Really struggling

[firsttimemama1994]

Hi, long one

I have several posts about this but I'm reaching out again because I'm really struggling. Not sure what to expect from this post but please be kind, in extremely sensitive/vulnerable.

My DD scratched down her cheek when she was 4 weeks old. I didn't expect it to but it has scarred as she's been left with an indented scar 6 months later and I'm heartbroken.

I can't move on from this, I feel like a failure of a mother. I feel like I'm stuck in the past, I'm full of so much remorse, guilt, hate for myself. I think about it constantly, it's on my mind from when I wake up, to when I go to sleep at night. I can't believe I have allowed this to happen, to my beautiful and perfect baby girl that I have been so blessed with. No other mothers have done this to their child?

I've had counselling and hypnotherapy sessions.
I've been prescribed antidepressants, but haven't taken them as I'm afraid it will effect my breastmilk, my supply mainly. Breastfeeding feels like the only good thing I know I have done for her. If it stopped I'm sure I'd feel worse. I enjoy it and feel like it helps our bond.

Honestly I just feel so lonely, hopeless, desperate and I'm running out of options. Nothing is going to make the scar go away and I can't see me changing the way I feel about this. Should I just start the antidepressants and hope that things will get better. I've felt like this for 5 months and I'm not sure how much longer I can take it.

I'm dreading Christmas, everyone saying how special it will be for us with our baby. It should have been special, but I am so sad. I know there are worse things to happen but this is my life and what I am dealing with.

I've read your posts before and you are really struggling aren't you

Did the Dr know that you ate BFing when they prescribed the antidepressant and did they discuss any possible effects with you?

There are some that you can take whilst BFing, have you read this article from the BFing Network?

I've breastfed both of my children while on antidepressants.

You are very very unwell and I'm concerned that if you don't get the help you so desperately need then things are only going to get much worse.

I've read your posts too. What you are feeling in completely normal it is postnatal depression. You've done amazing taken the first step and seeing the doctor. You have got the prescription that is the second step. The third and final step is to take them. As for worrying about the breast milk that is the post natal depression talking, that's what it does to you. Take them as prescribed by the doctor and in a few weeks you will feel differently and the worry of the tablets getting into your breast milk will be a distant memory and you will feeel so much better

I just want to say I know exactly how you are feeling. It all started when my son scratched his older sister on the face. It didn't look all that bad the time. Just a fingernail scratch. It didn't even bleed. 7 months later she still has the scar. It's about 1.5cm long and indented. It looks deep...like a bit of her skin has been gouged out. She is starting kindergarten in the new year and I'm devastated. She's 5 and doesnt know it's there and I want to keep it like that. I'm just so full of regret and remorse...wishing I could go back in time and stop it from happening or give it better first aid. I think about it all day. Everytime I look at her i feel incredibly sad. I wish I could have the scar instead of her.
I'm thinking of starting antidepressants too. I'm breastfeeding my 6 month old daughter but I've heard it won't affect my breastmilk.
I just want you to know you aren't alone. I've heard these things can take years to fade so I'm just hoping it does. Try to be kind to yourself. Being a mumma is hard work! You're doing a great job.