PND OCD

[poochie9]

I have been diagnosed with PND and also maternal ocd. My little girl is 10 weeks old and to be completely honest, so many of what should be precious days, have been spent under a cloud of misery and worry and panic.

my little girl is perfect. I don’t like to use this term but she really is a ‘good baby’ and I feel very lucky that during these mentally exhausting few weeks, she has been an absolute dream to look after and care for.

I knew from early on I was suffering with depression and sought out help at around 6/7 weeks. Tomorrow will be my third full week on sertraline and I have noticed and Improvement with my general mood. However the intrusive thoughts are still absolutely torturous and leave me spiralling even on a ‘better day’ and feeling like this cycle of depression and worry is never going to end.

as I have mentioned in a previous post, my sadness has left me questioning whether It means I don’t love my daughter. And this thought alone has troubled me enough. It’s a horrible thought to have. I’ve now found myself almost ‘testing this’ thought - questioning if I would miss my little girl is she went away for a few days, would I have the separation anxiety other mums have?
my mind tells me no.
has anyone else had these kind of incessant worries
i hate this. I hate that I’m having these kind of thoughts. I hate that I don’t know what’s real or not anymore. I just want this to be over because I honestly want more than anything to just enjoy my life with my little girl the way I dreamed I would before I got ill.

Hi OP. You are not alone 💐 I had this. It was torture. I can’t explain how terrifying and distressing it was. I ended up as an inpatient in a Mother and Baby unit which saved me and got me back on my feet. Could this be an option for you? I never thought I would get better, but I did. The sertraline will make a big difference after a couple of weeks when it’s up and running in your system, but you also need talking therapy. Once you say your ‘fears’ out loud they lose power over you. Sending you hugs and understanding - 3 years on from my breakdown and I’m in a better place than I ever thought I could be, but I know it won’t feel like that right now 💐

@PressedWhiteShirts I’m so sorry that you went through this as well. I don’t think it would be for me. It breaks my heart the thought of taking my daughter away from my partner. I feel like I’m already ruining fatherhood for him enough by being like this. I also hope that the medication will work and I can stay at home. I do have better moments but the bad moments are BAD and they make me forget the moments where I’ve felt more hopeful that things will improve.
how long were you in the mother and baby unit for? I am glad that it helped you x

I felt bad too, he was devastated but we both knew it was the right thing to do. And actually his relationship with our daughter really improved as he wasn’t spending all his time worrying about me. I was in for 6 weeks in total, which now feels like the blink of an eye. He visited us every evening so didn’t see much less of DD than if we had been at home. Our family life has been so much better ever since xx

@PressedWhiteShirts i think it’s really brave if you to have made that decision. I have found myself almost dreaming about going into one, sometimes it’s the only thing that gives me any form of relief. Knowing that there’s a place I can go to that has a team of professionals all there to try and help to make me better.
at the same time, I also find it terrifying that that is what it might come to.
I really hope to heal at home.

can I ask how many weeks PP you were when you were admitted? X

Op, what you say really resonates. I immediately didn't feel 'right' after the birth, and felt very disconnected and like I was in a dream, no bond with my baby at all (literally couldn't believe he was mine).
It spirralled into horrible OCD and what you said about 'testing' your love really brought it back. I'd have horrible thoughts (almost make myself have them) of him dying, just so I could see if I 'felt' anything for him. It was truly awful, a horrible time of my brain punishing me. I was very ill for a while.
Good news- I got better! I was under the perinatal MH team, have you seen them? They really understood and helped me work through my guilt and obsessions, and to bond with my baby. I took a high dose of sertraline and quetiapine, and switched to bottle feeding so I could sleep. Tbh, my mental health had to be the priority for a really long time, and I still feel sad to have missed out on that time with my son- but now it's just part of our journey together.
Please get help, it will get better. Therapy, meds, sleep, bonding help, fun times with friends, that all helped me so much. Four years later im about to have another one, which I never thought I'd ever want to do.
Also, just a note- one of my obsessions became 'reassurance' seeking, so trying to find and Google stories of people who had OCD worse than me who had got better. Naturally I never believed I'd get better and bond with my son, so no amount of reassurance was ever enough! If you think you're falling into that try and be strong and cut out the internet a bit. Lots of love xx

I was admitted later than you, when DD was about 4 months old. I had been battling with the intrusive thoughts pretty much since she was born but was too ashamed to tell anyone. I thought people would mistake them for my ‘real’ feelings and put DD into care. Once I went into the MBU I met with the most incredible consultant who knew all about this horrid form of OCD, even the most shocking parts, and to just be able to speak with somebody who understood and knew how much I loved my daughter was HUGE. At first I couldn’t even hold my daughter - I didn’t think I was ‘safe’ to do so. By week 2 I was holding and cuddling her, week 3 I was nappy changing and doing her baths, by week 4 I had her all the time and just leaned for support when I needed it. Week 6 we went home, which was a very special moment. I look back on the MBU with fondness now - it was an amazing place which worked a miracle on me, and DH has ‘happy’ memories of seeing me getting better in there. We’re forever grateful.

@Thetractorjustmoved I’m so sorry. The thoughts are truly torturous and make me feel like such a bad person for having them.
I am under the perinatal mental health team yes. I had my first visit with my assigned worker on Friday and she will be visiting me weekly now. Can I ask what they did to help you bond with baby? Or was it just being able to speak with them about your thoughts and obsessions that helped you.
I have done therapy in the past but I paid privately. Being on maternity now and with the cost of living, it’s just not something we could afford to do and the waitlist is pretty long for nhs. It was the first thing I tried to access when I knew I needed help.

unfortunately I have also fallen into the trap of ‘reassurance seeking’. My Google search list is frightening but i just want to try and find some sort of comfort. It never gives me that though. That’s why I’ve started posting on here because hearing from people like yourself who have been here and got better gives me some hope. Although, it does really feel like it’s never going to happen for me.

thank you for taking the time to reply to me and congratulations on the news of having a second baby - wishing you only health & happiness x

@PressedWhiteShirts it sounds like the mother and baby unit was exactly what you needed to heal and feel better for yourself and for your family x

Sending so much love. I had very severe perinatal OCD and found the early days very hard. I felt I was going mad, it was a dark time. I started sertraline and had weekly talking therapy and it helped so much. I am now the very proud and happy mummy of a lovely toddler!