Is this PND?

[The3rdWatermelon]

I had my baby just less than 2 weeks ago. It was a hard birth (13 hours with no progression, then epidural and drip and pushed for 90 mins - no progress, sent for c section and managed to move the baby pushing on the table, forceps delivery in which she turned halfway through and her shoulder got stuck, placenta got stuck, I lost nearly 2l of blood). I then got an infection and was moved to a side room because I was hallucinating my cat walking round the ward. I had four catheter insertions because the swelling was so bad I couldn’t wee. Finally got home with no catheter, had an awful visit from a midwife I’d never met before who made me feel so small and useless, and spoke about me to her student like I was a prop in a lecture. I tried all day to feed the way she told me to, but it didn’t work, and I was whisked to hospital with mastitis the same evening. Been in there for almost a full week and only came home the other night.

This was after an IVF pregnancy in which I really struggled with anxiety and was repeatedly fobbed off while trying to get help.

Baby won’t settle for me. She wants to feed and feed but my milk never satisfies her. If I give her a bottle she’ll relax and sleep, but my milk might as well be water. I don’t think she likes me very much.

All the things I was looking forward to, that people reminisce about, just aren’t happening for me. New baby smell? Can’t smell anything. Breastfeeding bonding? No, it feels like a huge chore and I feel disconnected from my own body. Every time I do it I’m reminded I’m not enough for her. A rush of love? This feels awful. No. I keep saying it and telling her the things I want her to hear from her mum and hoping if I say it enough it’ll come true, but at the moment I feel totally cut off from the whole world. I don’t know what to say to her either. I chatter away to myself and to animals, even inanimate objects. I always assumed that bit would come naturally to me, but it hasn’t. I don’t know what to say apart from begging her to sleep or apologising for being so shit at this.

Family are being really supportive, but they keep telling me I’m doing a good job and I know it’s all an act and my heart isn’t in it.

This is how shit I am: I quite enjoyed the night I was rushed in with mastitis, shivering, burning up, vomiting and hallucinating, because baby went home with her dad and grandma and I was alone in hospital, pumping milk, and it was enough.

I can’t even talk to the midwife when she comes tomorrow because it’s the same one who made me feel worse. My husband is running himself ragged to look after us, and I’m trying to give him time to sleep, because he’s really good and I just sit here like a useless lump.But it’s so hard when I’m slapping myself in the face to stay awake at 3am while feeding her my pathetic watery unsatisfactory milk for the 4th hour running.

Is this PND or am I just a genuinely shit excuse for a human being?

Is this PND or am I just a genuinely shit excuse for a human being?

Please don't say this OP, you have been through so much. First IVF, then PG, then a traumatic birth followed by blood loss and now illness, added in all of the hormone swings you get after the birth.

I do think though that you've recognised that there may be more going on than Baby Blues and that you might need some extra support.

Please speak to Pandas Foundationn* today. They are non-judgemental and will know who you're feeling. They can also talk to you about what to say to your DH and the GP.

Secondly, I think you need to get on touch with the Birth Trauma Association. They can help you make sense of the birth and can put you in touch with specialist Counsellors.

As for the BFing, I'd think about whether you want to continue. Blood loss and illness can both affect milk production. I think if you are wanting to continue you need some RL help like a Lactation Consultant.

Could be but they can be quite dismissive of the first 2 weeks as baby blues. If you are worried I would go to the GP and keep them in the loop. You've been through a lot take care.

I’m sorry that you’re feeling the way you are but it is honestly completely understandable given what you have been through.
I think if you’re even questioning whether it’s something more than the baby blues, it probably answers your question. I just knew in my gut that something wasn’t right but kept hoping it would get better as the weeks went by. The fact you’ve picked up on feeling this way early, means you can get help to feel better sooner!

If you don’t feel comfortable speaking with your midwife, maybe wait to speak to the health visitor? I would hope that they will be due to visit you soon.

In the meantime, I hope you’re family and husband continue to support you as much as you need them to. You’ve been through one of life’s biggest changes and you deserve to be looked after too.

Im in a similar position to you currently, and I guess I’ll say to you what people keep saying to me, it’ll get better. Keep the faith x

Thank you @PritiPatelsMaker @SpookyPanda @poochie9 . I had an awful night last night, 45 minutes’ sleep all night, and ended up in bits this morning. The fear that I’m not good enough for her and the horrible feeling that she’d be better off if I just quietly faded away is horrific. I don’t want to hurt myself or anything like that, but I feel like anyone else would be better at this than me. I’ve got an appointment with perinatal mental health on Friday and my GP on Monday. Feeling at least pleased with myself for managing to make the calls.

Making those calls is the first step to healing. Really hope they go well for you and you're right to give yourself a pat on the back for making the calls

Yes good shout making those calls. I felt similar to how you describe. It will take time to get better but the right support from your HV and GP will help. All the best OP take care x

Please make the call.

She would not be better off without you - this part is so incredibly difficult even without the awful birth experience you had.

I felt the same with my second child, she is now 7 and I could not love her more if I tried. It doesn’t matter that there’s no rush of love, it will come.

How do you feel about stopping breast feeding? Bottle is fine and it sounds like it would ease some of the stress and pressure you’re feeling?

Please know this will pass and it does get so much easier, but please speak to your GP.

Oh, and ask for another midwife x