Postnatal Depression Relapse

[faded07]

Hello, I'm hoping someone might be able to offer some advice. I have a 9 month old daughter and suffered from postnatal depression during the first weeks and months of her life. I had a difficult IVF journey to conceive her, a tough pregnancy and a traumatic birth, all of which have made this journey harder.

I started to get a little better around the 4 month mark and then much better at around 6 months. The past couple of months have been pretty good and I've found parenting much more enjoyable. Then, bam, over the past couple of weeks I've started to feel low again. I am so worried and frustrated that these feelings have returned and don't understand why.

My daughter can be a bit challenging. She is the loudest baby of all the babies I have met and is at that stage where she wants to be physically independent but struggles. She was a large baby at birth (10lbs6oz) and has continued to be very large in height and weight. She is unable to crawl or hold herself up which means I have to carry her quite a bit and it is physically exhausting as she is the weight of a 2 year old. Weaning is also difficult. She throws most of her food on the floor and is easily distracted. I appreciate this is the case with most babies but she does tend to get quite hysterical (LOUD hysterical) so feeding in public is just becoming a drag.

My sister recently had her first child and I wonder whether that has knocked me a bit. She conceived in the first month of trying, had a good pregnancy, a much smaller baby (6llbs120z) and has bounced back very quickly. Her baby is only 5 weeks and we are now on maternity leave together. I thought this would be an amazing experience but it is difficult for me to see how well she is doing and how quickly she has adapted to motherhood compared to me. Her baby seems much easier than mine was as a newborn and everywhere we go people tell me that I look tired and she looks amazing. I guess it's just knocked my confidence again, just when I thought I had got through the worst of my anxiety/depression.

My body has changed so much since the birth and that also makes me feel pretty down. Most of my clothes don't fit me from before my pregnancy and I feel like I always look early stages pregnant now.

I have an amazing support network around me and know I am super lucky. I just don't really want to talk about this with them as I feel they just don't get it. They want to help me but they aren't living my life so they can't really understand.

I fear my partner is getting frustrated at me again (perhaps understandably) as I'm losing my patience with our daughter. Of course I am going to more so as I am the one with her all day, every day, but I hate myself when I feel like this. I shout at our daughter and throw things around (not at her - more like hurling bags on the floor as if the floor has personally offended me) because I just feel full of rage.

I hate the thought of PPD creeping back into my life. It terrifies me. I hate feeling like this.

I go back to work early next year so perhaps that will give me more of a balance. I just want to feel better now.

I don't want to take drugs - never did before and don't believe they help situations. I did reach out to my Dr and had one discussion with someone there but they were useless and I'm not into therapy.

Anyway, appreciate this is mega long. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Please be kind.

@faded07 hi I don't have much advice other than if you needed anyone to talk to I'm here. I don't know about you but I've found I can be quite lonely in this process.

My daughter too was ivf, had an uncomfortable pregnancy and a traumatic birth.

My baby is 14 weeks and I've found it a struggle even though I'm a second time mum
My daughter is 11 years and a complete joy and I've found it hard adjusting to no sleep and the relentless ness of a newborn!!

I know you said you don't want to medicate but it may make you feel better ?

Also what would you like to happen in order for things to be better ?

So for me it would be to feel well - don't feel recovered and I don't feel like myself
And also for my little one to sleep better! Because that goes hand in hand if you have rubbish sleep course you're going to feel rubbish. It might be worth looking at
What will make you feel better ?

I would like some real life mum friends to talk to but I don't know how to go about that. Too nervous for baby groups and all my friends have kids much older and I don't feel and don't really want to admit to them I am struggling x

Thank you so much @chocsaucestrawb - it is really kind of you to reach out considering you are feeling low too. I’m sorry you are also going through a tough time. The newborn stage is definitely the worst - even though I’m having another rough patch, I can safely say I still feel much better than I did in the earlier months. I therefore hope you will start to feel better as time passes. As you say, sleep deprivation is torturous and well-being improves once sleep improves.

When my daughter just passed the 3 month mark, I started to meet other mums. I used my own initiative and started a local group (I used the Peanut app which was a great help). It took a while and many of the people I initially met drove me loopy but, with time, I got to know them better and now we meet each week and I feel I have a great little network of friends. It has made a difference so maybe try and push yourself to reach out? Meeting new people helps and there is no pressure if you don’t want to see them again!

You have posed an excellent question about what would make me feel better. I will certainly give it some thought. I do feel hormonally imbalanced and would really like some blood work done to assess this. I used to think that time away from my daughter would help. In some ways it did but I’ve come to realise it can also hinder. I think I just need to force myself to have a break and let my partner take over sometimes in the evenings. I also think I need to learn to let go of the past. I think about the IVF and traumatic birth every day and I just wish I could erase it all from my mind. We suffered 4 miscarriages, including my daughter’s twin, and I think it has made it difficult for me to love fluidly and freely. I think, deep down, I always feel my daughter will disappear. Guess that’s the scars of a difficult fertility journey.

I really hope you start to feel better very soon. Please feel free to reach out to me too if you ever need to talk. Postnatal depression is bloody hard but it does get better. Even though I feel low now, it’s still incomparable to how I felt in the ‘fourth trimester’. Take care of yourself xxx

Meds saved me. Ask yourself if trying them out is better or worse for you than how you currently feel and taking it out on your DC. That’s what pushed me to try ADs, I felt it was unfair on those around me who needed me and I couldn’t manage it by myself. If you can that’s great but don’t feel bad about medicating PND