Mum guilt… baby less than 2 weeks old

[NorthernNewMum]

Hi all

i recently had my little one and I am struggling a lot with mum guilt. It sounds stupid but it keeps being triggered when my lovely attentive husband bottle feeds her my expressed milk in a morning so I can get an extra couple of hours of sleep. For context my baby lost 10% of her body weight in the first 3 days so maybe that’s a contributing factor.

He has only done this twice but it’s left me feeling awful for the whole of the rest of the day. I did have an emergency c section and I am currently struggling with a wound infection and so the rational part of my brain knows I need rest and sleep to recuperate but I can’t stop myself feeling this way.

Like I said my husband is brilliant and supportive but I think he struggles with reassuring me as I think that he thinks I’m being a bit unfair on myself.

Advice for getting my brain to stop sabotaging me welcomed… well any advice welcome!!

Your brain does some insane shit in the immediate post natal period, there are thousands of years of evolution tucked up in those brain cells and they make you have anxiety and guilt and euphoria and all kinds of stuff. You have the same survival instincts that we had when we were living in caves and fending off sabre toothed tigers. Your body is telling you that you should watch over your baby.

Rationally, you can say it's fine but that bit of brain chemistry is still there screaming at you. I had all these visions of strange things happening to my baby in the postnatal period - being dropped off a cruise ship, of all things. It's the protective bit of your brain trying to manage risks, weird but normal.

A CS also puts a lot of stress on your body, will set off stress hormones etc.

Would it feel better to feed her then give her to your DH to take off? Or learn to feed lying down in a safe co sleeping arrangement so you can nod off too? Or DH holds her in the same room while you sleep?

It will all calm down, it just takes time. If you can manage it, go outside even if for tiny amounts of time. Seeing the sky and trees and normal life helps to stop you feeling so bonkers.

Congrats on your baby!

They all sound like great suggestions. Going to look into the lying feeding positions in particular they might be a great solution xx

Great advice from pp there, would like to add that Tired, Middle of the Night You isn't to be listened to! She sucks, and she's tired and grumpy so she's not in possession of all the facts.

My son also lost a similar amount of weight after birth and it was feeding him expressed milk that got him to gain weight. It also made me very weird around feeding! But as long as you're happy to let your husband bottle feed, it's a really nice way for him and baby to have some time together to bond. We're 4 weeks in with our second and every morning his dad takes him for a few hours and I sleep in! I'm not good to them when I'm exhausted. If you'd prefer to feed her yourself, definitely look into lying down feeds and safely co-sleeping, or letting dad take her to nap/hang out once she's fed.

You absolutely need the sleep to recover, you're right, and it's NOT a failing to not change every single nappy and do every feed and nap, I promise. My boyfriend was so involved from the beginning and now he has an amazing bond with our 2 year old, and he's capable of doing everything I can with him. It's good for dads to be involved and it's not selfish to let yourself get the rest you badly need. Being a new mum is hard enough without infection and emergencies at the beginning!

Your baby will love you just as much when you've had some rest as she will if you haven't. It's really important to look after yourself as well, else how else can you look after baby? I'm sure you're doing a great job. This mum guilt gets to us all. It's scary when they're so small but before you know it she'll be eating all kinds of bits off the floor - I speak from experience!

Honestly, get some sleep. You'll feel better and your husband and daughter will have some lovely bonding time together. Enjoy your newborn snuggles! (after you've had a sleep 😉😉)

I didn’t even think about the benefits of him bottle feeding her! That is such an amazing point and has made me feel a lot more positive about things!! Wow this is the first time I have posted and feeling a million times better already. Thanks for your time x