Not enjoying newborn stage

[shilohsmum]

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First post on here so just getting used to MN.

I'm struggling with my 2.5 week old baby. We had a difficult delivery via forceps and episiotomy after a brutal and invasive induction. Definitely a bit of a traumatic birth.

I never felt the rush of love that everyone talks about and still don't really feel it. He's cared for, breastfeeding going fine, tongue been ruled out by IBCLC. He seems to scream so much and be so unhappy the majority of the time he's awake. It's super distressing for everyone. It's hard to feel anything more than the need to just take care of him as best I can. But no big motherly love yet. I feel like a terrible person, a bad mum, plus we're so so so exhausted - he's up every hour at night.

I have people messaging saying "oh I bet you just can't stop looking at him! He's amazing, so gorgeous" etc and I feel like I must be missing some kind of maternal gene because I don't really feel that way about him yet. I don't even feel like he looks like me!

I don't have any friends with babies tbh apart from one I made while pregnant and her baby seems to be very settled and doesn't cry. I know you can't really compare one baby with another but it's hard not to feel a little jealous!

Oh OP. This is very very normal. I absolutely hated the newborn stage (also had traumatic birth, unsettled non sleeping baby) and so did many of us on MN. Doesn’t make it any less miserable but at least you know it’s normal. It doesn’t mean you don’t or won’t love your DC. Took me till about 6 months before I felt properly connected.

The big benefit of an unsettled baby stage is that it makes the toddler years seem a breeze.

Just keep getting through the days, it will get better. Big hug.

It's completely normal not to "see stars" or "fall in love" immediately. You had a traumatic birth which makes bonding harder and ultimately he's a very demanding stranger that you are in the process of getting to know, please don't beat yourself up over it. It gets easier. The waking hourly thing is sooo hard, but as his tummy gets bigger he should be able to sleep for a bit longer. I found wrapping mine up slightly more than I thought necessary helped with mine (mine was born in July, I know they say dress them the same as you plus a layer but the weather was SO hot I worried about him over heating so only gave him the one layer plus a blanket, turns out he needed 2). Mine seemed to be constantly screaming too (although mine had a tongue tie we found out in the end - got it fixed but he was still often crying loudly for a couple of weeks after, albeit not quite bad enough to be termed as colic). The fact that you're worrying about it shows that you care and that you're a good mum. It'll get better, and in the meantime if there is anyone that can help, accept the help. Hugs for you. Xx

From people that I've spoken to, this seems to be the norm rather than enjoying the newborn stage! was so surprised because I love newborns - i guess it's the sleep deprivation. My daughter is now 3 months. It feels quite a bit different because she smiles heaps and seems to like me and find me comforting. She's quite gorgeous and makes adorable noises when she interacts with us. Feel a lot more maternal and how I imagined i would feel. But i think the key thing is she started sleeping so much better!!!

When she doesn't sleep well overnight these days (like last few nights) it feels almost like jumping back to the newborn stage.

Please believe us, what you are feeling is normal. You are Not A Bad Mum. You are Not A Terrible Person - don't say that to yourself any more, okay? 😘

Xx

Thanks so much everyone. Weirdly enough I've had a slightly better 24 hours with about 6 hours of (very broken) sleep.... it makes such a difference. The love thing is such a slow burner but it helps a lot when he's not screaming.... seems slightly more settled today?!

Had a very Similar birth and went through the same motions at times. It's normal. Of this don't change do speak to your HV. You doing amazing in everything you said Mama be proud. It's absolutely exhausting at this stage and so many people glamourise it. You'll get through this. Mines 5 months now and it's completely different

Oh OP.
Firstly you are not a terrible person. You are a new mum, gone through a difficult birth, had close to no sleep and don't have many friends to get the real deal from.
Basically it's the hardest thing most of us have ever done. Don't listen to the people who say what you should be feeling- there are no rules to feelings- this is survival. Feed, try and sleep and keep clean and respond to their cries as best you can and that's all for now. Doesn't matter about cute photos, comparisons to anyone else- just survival and feeding yourself too.
It will get better and you will get feelings just in your own time and in a different way to everyone else and especially all the influencers out there.
Sending much sympathy. It does get easier!!

Similar birth story here and similar feelings re the newborn stage.

It gets better with time. The first time they smile at you is such a big one. Then when they start getting their personality.

My favourite time is currently now and my daughter is 2.5! Shes such a proper tiny human now and her cheeky personality is such a delight.

They are such potatoes when they are younger and while I obviously loved my daughter, I had so much more fun when she started showing glimpses of who she is growing up to be.

Don't worry about not loving the newborn stage. It's not uncommon.

I had a similar birth to you and my DS cried pretty much non stop for 12 weeks! Looking back on it now, he had a scar on his head from the forceps and as I was induced, didn't want to come out! No wonder he wasn't happy!

There are no magic short term cures, just be really kind to yourself. I found slinging my son as much as possible was the only thing to calm him. Look up the fourth trimester, there is a lot of sense in that 💐

OP I could have written this when my son was that old. Also had a traumatic birth and really struggled at first. I’d imagined life with a newborn to be so much different than it was. He’s 5 months old now and things are so, so much better. We’re in a little bit more of a routine and the love/bond is growing everyday xxx

Not feeling a ‘rush of love’ is honestly so normal, you’re really not alone in this. I definitely hadn’t felt it at 3 weeks, it came on gradually over time. From all the mums I’ve talked to about this I think that big bolt of love thing is the minority, and the media.

Babies have such different temperaments from the get go and there’s really very little that’s down to you. Most babies want to be held a lot so a good comfy sling is a great way to help both of you. Lower your expectations, it’s ok to just sit in front of the TV holding them all day. If in doubt, stick a boob in. Getting in the bath with them or getting outside can help too (if you’re up to it, even just the garden) If baby is really upset all the time it might be worth exploring CMPA as I’ve known a few very unsettled babies where this was the issue, but also they’re getting used to a big new world, and so are you.

Exactly that the same with first baby!

Second baby - LOVED every second. It's totally normal.

Yea it's never felt the rush either. I'd die for my kids but the baby stage is boring as anything.

Don't worry it will get better. I had a horrific long forceps delivery and my baby's head was deformed from being stuck so long. She cried for weeks and I'm pretty sure she had a headache and pain during that time from the birth. It was awful.

It’s totally normal. I had a similar birth first time around, and it took months for me to be able to spontaneously tell my baby I loved her.
Second time round was a planned c-section, much less traumatic and it still took ages. I think I’m not just a ‘love at first sight’ type.
And no one really says it before they’re born, but newborns are demanding, you’re exhausted and they’re not giving a lot back.
I went into it second time around knowing that I just had to get through the first six months and things would improve. Now they’re 5 and almost 3 and (the majority of the time) so fun and interesting.

I had a straightforward birth and I still think back to the newborn stage with disgust, fuck I was miserable. But the phrase “it gets better” is true, it just varies person to person as to when that is.
my sons nearly 2 now and my god I love him so damn much I could cry just thinking about it, I love being his mum now! Just take a day at a time and don’t make things any harder for yourself than they need to be!

@shilohsmum I'm two weeks in and although I feel the love, it also seems to cause an overwhelming sense of anxiety and responsibility as well. So I can't say I'm doing that great even though ky baby is pretty good atm.

Everyone saying it gets better, was there a tipping point or rough time when you felt you got a handle on things?

@Fortuny it's growing but very slowly. Doesn't help he's been so unsettled, cries all night and a lot of the day with gas pain, seems like indigestion. I still don't feel a deep sense of love for him but I care very much for him and don't want him to be in pain