Scared to leave house, baby 5 months old

[Aria28]

Hi there, my baby is 5 months old and I stress about leaving the house so I end up always staying at home. I hate driving and we don't live in walking distance of anywhere. It doesn't help that my baby cries when in the pram or car seat so anywhere so that stresses me more (anywhere I have been is really close!) But now I've given up going out. I don't really have any friends where we live, and husband works a lot so I'm pretty lonely. I feel like other mums go out lots and I'm being useless. Did anyone else take a while to get used to going out with their baby? I am part of an NCT group but I've stopped seeing them too.

Ah bless you, OP. It sounds really lonely for you! Can you pinpoint what it is that makes you anxious? Is it the getting organised to leave the house? Your baby crying when out? The logistics of getting places? Seeing other people?

Getting out of the house was so important for my mental health when I had babies that age. I would think you'll go mad staying in all the time. Try to identify a couple of places or ways you feel ok about getting out per week. It doesn't have to be massively social or groups or anything, just a walk in the fresh air or popping to walk round a shop ? No family nearby? You say not many friends - is that no friends at all? Is there anyone you'd feel comfortable visiting?

I feel your pain. I was exactly the same and it was horrible ☹️ Things got better for me from about 6 months. I started carrying baby in baby carrier (Tula free to grow is great) and building up my walks each day so each time I’d go a little bit further along the road and back. (No pressure to run errands etc) I was terrified but I realised that I was capable and baby was fine if I forgot x in the bag. Slowly the confidence comes but man it’s a struggle. You’ll get there! Now baby is 16 months I’ve nailed the routine and don’t think twice about leaving the house!

Also with the baby group thing, there is that pressure that you ‘should’ be going. I didn’t go til baby was 10 months as it took me that long to build confidence to leave the house to go! Take things in your own time and when you get there it will be great and you’ll make friends. But it’s not the be all and end all. It’s a good goal to have but don’t feel like you are doing a terrible job just because you don’t attend it every week yet. Facebook group and mumsnet did make me feel less alone!

Going out can feel daunting . Following on from Hugasaurus post, can you list the first 3 or 4 things you feel are the most stressful about going out with your little one. If you can tell us what the main worries are, we can try help with ideas/tips to make it feel more do-able. If you can think of actual issues but it feels like a more general anxiety or stress then what's your HV like? Are they approachable? Do you have the contact info for the NCT group? What you are going through isnt unusual and I wonder if you could let anyone in the group (or the group as a whole on WhatsApp etc)know how you're feeling ? I'd like to think that you'd get some support and encouragement. I bet even those who are now getting out and about with their babies can relate to how you are still feeling. And you might well find other members who still find going out and doing stuff really hard. I can say that the more you go out, the easier it gets and you'll do it on autopilot after a while. Right now well done for posting on here. I think that's a great first step. You'll get there

A friend of mine got some support from postnatal mental health team and they sent a support worker first thing in morning to help her get out of the house and attend a baby class. Maybe worth seeing if there's something similar? Is there anyone who could help you get up and out?

That's a good thought Hugasaurus.

Thank you so much everyone, you're so kind and helpful! I don't know if it's stress or just feels overwhelming to leave the house, feels much easier just to stay at home. Even if I'd like to be able to even just go out for a coffee. I've only spoken to my health visitor a couple of times when they came for the home visits, I could try calling tomorrow though see if maybe just speaking to someone may help. I think I just feel a bit isolated. And exhausted which I imagine I'll feel for a while!! And feels like baby getting harder to settle etc which I worry about being on my own and out and about. All my family live elsewhere but have come to visit me, and when they do it's been a great help. Comforting to know others have gone through similar.

I would definitely speak to your HV. It's something she should have experience in helping with because it's such a normal thing to feel. If you've not got family or anyone close around youve not had much of the practical and emotional help that can ease you into getting out.

I'd recommend starting with a very small goal. Something like a 20/30 minute walk round the block. You could aim to set off after a feed so hopefully you're not going to have to deal with a hungry baby while your out. When you've got a bit of time , pack a backpack or changing bag with a spare set of clothes , a few nappies, wipes, a bottle of water (or milk if your baby is on formula. At first id get some of those ready to go bottles that you can just pour into a feeding bottle. Then if It's not needed you can just keep it in the bag for your next outing), Spare dummies if used. Keep the bag stocked up so it's ready to pick up and go

.Take a few toys that can go in the pram or hang off it just in case. Maybe a small goal like a local shop if you have one in easy walking distance. I'd then do no more than that until you feel confident doing it and then try something that involves you being out 5 or 10 minutes longer. And do that till it feels ok. Once you get a bit more used to getting out and when you feel up to it you could look in on your NCT group and see if there's anything you fancy joining in with. The main thing is not to put yourself under pressure to do more than you have the energy and inclination to do. There's no right or wrong way of doing this. Some mums will want to be out asap joining in loads of activities. Others are happier with one thing a week and some just aren't into doing much at all . Go at a pace that feels ok for you.

I am a first time mum and my LO is almost 7 months old now and although I love him so much I’m really finding being a mum incredibly difficult. I really struggle with feeling competent and enjoying the days.
We didn’t have the easiest start as he had really bad reflux (we didn’t know this at the time, the HV just told me it was normal and that babies cry and to get used to it) which meant he was crying uncontrollably most of the time he was awake and it was really hard, mostly impossible to get him to settle. We didn’t get the reflux diagnosed until he was well over 2 months old and by then I was a nervous wreck. I developed really bad anxiety and struggled to leave the house because if he was awake he was crying and it would be inconsolable and for hours, until he would finally accept a feed or until he was so tired he would go back to sleep. It was just easier to stay in the house. I would see other mums out with their babies playing with them and having fun and I just couldn’t do that. I was just on edge the whole time knowing he would wake up and the crying would begin. The doctor also said he had a cow’s milk allergy so we had to change his formula. The medication for the reflux and new formula started to help and the crying reduced considerably, which was great. He would be awake and not crying! We were even getting smiles!
However, I still struggle going out with him as he still often has inconsolable meltdowns that just happen out of nowhere - he will be so happy just seconds before. Because of this I’m so scared to go out as I’m just on edge the whole time. I just feel like a total failure. Whenever I do go out and meet with some of the mums from the NCT group their babies are all chilled and happy and my DS is just so fussy and on the verge of crying, or does cry and get himself so wound up into total hysterics. I feel like it must be me as the other mums don’t have this issue and I’ve asked them about it. I just really feel deflated and lost as I’m really struggling with getting much joy from my days and I worry this will impact my DS. I just wish I had some mum friends going through something similar so I could relax a bit when I’m out with them. Has anyone experienced anything similar and how did they cope?