Hi all,
I'm not really looking for advice, as I'm not really sure there's much advice I could be given. I'm just needing a safe space to vent some feelings away from the judgment and rescuing, unhelpful behaviour of my friends & family (I know they're trying to be supportive, but I just really need someone to hear my feelings). Here goes, it's a long one...
So, single, first-time mother over here! I have a beautiful 8 month old daughter who is a full-on, energy filled, curious, adventuring, fire work in a tin can soul; loving and excited, permanently roaring with mad energy and ready to go as soon as her wee eyes open (actually, sometimes when they're shut too!).
My ex didn't want to have anymore children (I was his second wife, he has two with the first) and tbh, I didn't think with having PCOS that I would have any either. But, here we are! As soon as I found out I was pregnant - Bang! End of relationship. And that's OK, it's his choice. I'm long over that scenario.
We are a tiny family; only me, my daughter and my dad. My mother died when I was sixteen, complications of MS, sadly. A brutal age lose a parent.
When my marriage first ended I genuinely didn't think I'd make it BUT I've got my ducks in a row and I've been lucky enough to finally purchase a house of my own - yes, ladies! I'm going out and doing that independent woman shizz (it's terrifying but rewarding). But just to add a side note - I wouldn't be in this position if it wasn't for my dad. When my husband told me our marriage was over because I was keeping our child, I was naturally devasted, but my dad - who btw, is FANTASTIC, stepped right up and has been there 100%. I had a C-section; and he was there, he was the first person to hold my daughter when she arrived, he let us move back in with him until I got back on my feet and stayed up every night for weeks while I healed after surgery. He took early retirement so he could help out as much as he could. He adores her and she loves him in return. It really is a beautiful relationship and I am I'm incredibly lucky.
I was feeling absolutely on top of the world;
Moving out of my dads home and moving on with my young daughter and starting our lives up together. That's exactly where I envisaged our lives going and I thought they were there until,
out of nowhere, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. Literally, a week ago.
Ouch.
Completely out of the blue, absolutely no symptoms. He's still a young man(ish, we joke) - 56. Ex army and still fit (out jogging and walking the Pentlands with the dogs etc), relatively healthy but for the odd fish supper, never smoked, never been a big drinker. But cancer? What in the world!?
He has it in several places; a huge mass in his large intestine, a 10cm growth in his liver and also his spleen, having been spread through the lymph nodes. I mean... what the fuck, right? Well, I'm devasted. Terrified, anxious, worried, I'm doing the old secret crying at night buisness and trying desperately to keep it together through the day. My daughter is lovely, but I am mega-stressed, as you can imagine. And I feel like I've been distant, and a bit detached from her, which in turn fills me with guilt from the pit of my stomach.
I've never regretted having my daughter, ever. But, to have such a young and energetic baby during such a frightening and stressful time is seriously hard work. I've been pulling back on some of the household chores, not cooking half as much as I used to, the place has been a bit of a mess, I feel guilty for that too. But I know deep down we can't do it all. I know self-care on my own part is needed. And I'm very much in the present, I know what's happening with dad and where this is likely to end up.
It might sound stupid to say, but I'm only thirty. In fact, not even - I'll be thirty in a couple of weeks. And to think I may end up without any parents at all at this young age! What is that all about!?
Eurgh, what can be said? It's a shitty situation. I just wanted someone to hear me. Life is tough sometimes isn't it? My friends keep saying "just try to be positive" but I feel how I feel and that's the end of that. I won't be incongruent and put on a front if that's not how I feel.
Can we all just agree that life fucking sucks sometimes?
Honestly, when it's good it's great. But sometimes it comes at you like a wrecking ball and destroys absolutely everything in its path and gets you right in the torso while it's going, doesn't it.
Anyone got any good coping strategies which doesn't include crying into your pillow at 3am?
Thanks for reading and apologies for being absolutely miserable x