I'm sick of it (ex premature parenting)

[Pixnix]

Just that really

DS 1 year but born extremely prematurely and I'm just sick of it all. I feel like I never got to prepare for being a parent as I was in hospital from 23 weeks pregnant. I'm resentful of my friends that make it to term, who spend only a few hours or day in hospital, that can breastfeed their baby, who don't have to worry every step of the way etc.

DS had many health issues but as far as we know he's mostly fine now. But he got very, very poorly with RSV earlier in the year (back to hospital) and every time he gets a sniffle I'm just transported back. He had a fever last night and I've barely managed to think about anything else.

I'm sick of worrying about his development but we go to so many appointments where they say he's doing incredibly well but.... and then reel off 100 things I should be doing on top of everything I do already. I think hourly about whether his health issues will result in lifelong issues and whether he will have a normal life.

He goes to nursery now and they keep saying that he seems uncomfortable with reflux and he shouldn't still be having reflux at his age. I could tell that having an NG tube shoved into your stomach for 4 months causes trauma that means reflux is more likely and will last longer, but it's too difficult and I don't want people to pity me or him.

I know I have PTSD but so does DH and talking about my feelings about NICU/ pregnancy/ hospital triggers him massively and my support network of friends and family don't understand why I worry so much. DH is even more fragile than I am but deals better with these bouts of illness.

I just want someone to take away all the hurt and pain that I've had over the last year and let me be a normal mum. There's moments when I forget and then it all comes back.

Sorry, I might not come back to the thread but needed a space to talk about it.

You are right, prematurity and NICU are incredibly hard and often leave a long lasting scar. Have you spoken to your GP about some counselling? You deserve to take care of you and to have someone listen to your experiences, your fears and your hopes

I could have written your post @Pixnix at any point in the first 3-4 years after DD1 was born at 27+5 in 2005. There was so much to process and so much I couldn't even articulate. I don't think I had PTSD or depression but I was Not Right for a good 18 months or so. Every family's path is a bit different and out there in the community there are just not that many prem babies at any given time. It isn't until about 2.5-3 that the obvious timing differences in development fade (ie the ones obvious to a lay person) and even then you know....my DD has the veins of a street addict in her left arm, tiny scars on her hands and feet and lips and has only at 14-15 grown out of eczema on her cheeks where the tape holding down her nasal prongs was placed. I worried terribly about milestones even though her doctors were very positive. If it's any consolation I found that the emotional territory was quite similar to the one IVF parents are left in - once you are discharged with the right medical outcome, that's it. But you have experienced your own personal emotional car crash and need time and space to recover.

I wish I could take away the hurt and pain. It is an awful experience and one that can be difficult for others who haven’t been through the NICU to understand. Sending lots of love and strength, it can be a real test of endurance.