Postnatal depression

[Colorfulspirit]

Hey, so all I have ever wanted is a baby. I have had 5 miscarriages. I now have a beautiful baby boy who is 9 days old. I feel awful for feeling like this, but I'm just so sad, emotional and I just don't know what to do with myself. I feel lucky but at the same time, my son is just there, like there is no connection and I hate myself for it. Please tell me what I can do to change this and if I will come out the other side

Please don't make yourself feel bad. There's a lot of pressure for that special bonding moment that you should get the moment you hold your baby but it doesn't always happen! It took me 6 months to have the moment of overwhelming love. I actually really didnt like my child to begin with! Felt absolute nothing towards her until that moment.

There's nothing wrong with you, you've just been through a life changing experience that, no matter how easy the actual birth was, it's tramatic on the female body.

Just make sure you talk to the people around you. Let them know how you're feeling. It feels like the worst thing in the world to admit it out loud but people will understand and some might even be able to share their similar experiences.

I hope you feel better soon and trust me, the time will come when you will suddenly realise what all the fuss is about!

Hi OP, I suffered dreadfully with PND with my first. Like you, I had no connection with my son, he almost didn't even feel like a human if that makes sense. It really freaked me out and I felt so guilty and terrible. I started convincing myself that I had never been pregnant or given birth, I became really unwell.

I wish wish wish that somebody had told me that not everyone bonds with their baby right at the start. Even when they did tell me I didn't believe them, all I saw were mums saying how they were so in love, and how happy they were. Actually, since talking to a lot of people after the event, lots have told me that they didn't feel any special connection with their baby at the start. It's just something that people aren't completely honest about because there's this huge pressure.

I don't know if you have PND or not, but just try and do a few things to help. Can you go to the GP to tell them how you feel? Are you feeling low in general?

For bonding with the baby, could you try baby massage? Or just having a bath together? Or just chilling naked in bed? Just spending time, no pressure.

Don't worry you WILL get there. For lots of us it takes time, but it's worth it

Thank you I hope so. I just want to be a good mum x

So many people are posting about how in love with their babies they are, I just want to feel like that!
I'm scared that if I go to my gp, they will judge me and take him away.
I feel sooo low!
I'll try absolutely anything!
Thank you x

@Colorfulspirit I am so sorry that you are feeling this way at the moment.
Please be assured that if you speak to your GP or HV they will not judge you or take your baby away. This is something that they will have helped many new Mothers with. My GP and HV were both amazingly supportive and listened carefully to me in order to help.
Sometimes things take a while to fall into place. I found baby massage classes really useful (not saying this is the cure for PND, wouldn't be that flippant).

• The classes themselves were weekly over the course of 6 weeks so it gave me a routine as I hadn't wanted to go to any of the traditional Mother and Baby stuff.

-The massage is very repetitive and process driven, which I (and DS) found soothing amongst the chaos.

• I felt like I was doing the right thing for my child and being a good mother when I carried out this one simple act.
• The skin to skin contact and face to face interaction really did help to forge a bond between us

Thank you, I will try massage classes. I'll do anything to change the way I feel x

Things will change and you will feel better. You are doing so well by reaching out and vocalising how you feel, even anonymously on MN x

I felt a bit like that after having my DS. We had tried for years and the he was there and I was unhappy. A student midwife helped me. She was ace. She talked about how normal it was and hormones etc, and after a few more days of trying to look after myself and allowing people to help with the baby, it all made a bit more sense. It wasn't perfect. I did a lot of walking which helped. Pushing the pram miles and heading out and about and to baby groups. It was so eye opening to speak to friends with babies and strangers with babies. It all felt better knowing it's ok not to feel right for a while.
I hope you start to feel better soon. I recommend putting on a song you like and dancing or lying next to your baby, even if it brings a tear or two. Good luck

@Colorfulspirit
Hi OP, how are you doing? I just wanted to check in with you. It's absolutely fine if you are done with this subject and don't want to talk about it anymore, but the door is open if you want to say anything else.
There is no shame in feeling the way that you do. A newborn baby (especially someone's first) is pretty much an assault on your day to day standard of living. There is no preparing for it - even if people warned you I don't think you can really understand the practical changes that you will under-go, let alone the emotional stress that you will feel due to the awesome sense of responsibility and hormonal disarray.
The fact is that people don't warn you anyway! Mothers have all been fed this line that they should feel overwhelming love and that should be enough to get through the lack of sleep, lack of peace, lack of self... belief is that if you admit to feeling differently people will judge you.
That is of course bollocks, none of your friends (especially ones who have gone through the newborn stage) will judge you.
If you have some friends who have young children please try to speak to them. They will understand the stress even if they didn't suffer from PND themselves. You might be surprised when they share their own experiences. You might mis-remember how they were when their children were babies, as you weren't living it then. It is probable that they presented things in a more positive light because they didn't want to grumble to you about the challenges of motherhood whilst you were having such a terrible time trying to start your own family?

They will not take him away. Really really important to realize that and reach out for help. I asked my husband several times if we could give dd up for adoption. I made plans to run away from our family. I had suicidal ideation. I sought help and got CBT very quickly through self referral. No one even vaguely suggested taking away my baby or that I was an unfit mother, they just gave me help.

for me it took several months to like her, more to love her. Now she’s 4 and when she’s not having a tantrum, I just want to squeeze her little cheeks off I love her so much.

How much sleep are you getting? I had PND with my first and it improved dramatically when I started to get better chunks of sleep.

Speak to your midwife/health visitor. Getting help early can make a huge difference and they will be glad you sought help as that will benefit your baby's well being not hinder it.

I didn't bond straight away either. I had a very angry, uncomfortable baby and so when he wasnt asleep or feeding he just screamed! Very hard to bond but things did get better and they will for you too.