Marriage post-natal

[beansprout55]

Baby is 6 days old and I'm struggling big time with exhaustion and the baby blues.

Exhaustion aside, I'm grieving hugely for my marriage. DH and I were so close, inseparable and lived for each other - 6 days in and although he's always here I miss him so much. It's all about baby with these 3 hour cycles and little to no sleep. Cluster feeding and expressing due to a crappy latch... in every 3 hour cycle I have 1 hour where baby is in his cot asleep before it starts again.
Mum is old school and said she BF fed all of us (5 kids) every 4 hours - so only 6 times a day, and I should consider that to get more sleep in - but everywhere says 2-3 hourly feeds for a newborn?! I don't think I want to take the risk of him not getting enough. How did you all cope ???

When will we be able to spend our evenings together watching crap on tv and cuddling again? It's making me cry constantly that this is a thing of the past.

dont Worry! Totally normal to have this feeling, we went through it too, it’s such a big change. we only got to hold hands in bed for an hour or so before the next night feed in the beginning 😅

we got our boy into a bedtime routine around 8 weeks, and one of us would go to bed at the same time as him. But when he was about 12 weeks we braved leaving him in his crib in our room while we watched tv downstairs for an hour or so, it was great once we’d got over the fear of it.

from 4 months his bedtime has been 7-7.30 and then we have dinner and watch tv together, and he sleeps through until 6am. The days are still hectic but unless he’s poorly we always know we have our evening to chill and be together. Don’t worry it will come ☺️

it worked for us to get him into a routine, he responded really well to the familiarity. He loved napping in his crib from about 8 weeks and that helped him go down easily at night. We think it helped him sleep through but of course we have no idea if this is just the type of baby he is, or if it’s to do with the routine.

Your LO is so tiny still and things will get better I promise.

As for the crappy tv, have you tried keeping LO downstairs with you in the evening if you manage to stay awake?

It's definitely not a thing of the past. Tbh we've done it during newborn phase both times as they don't really do much except feed and sleep so prime TV watching time!

But if you're married then your relationship is hopefully strong enough that a few months of spending less time together won't really matter in the grand scheme of things. It's such a short time really.

I wouldn't bother with the cot personally. DD is 16 days old and she just stays downstairs with us, either on one of us or in her sleeping pod, until we go to bed. We just watch TV, etc. with her around. DD1 was the same.

It's so hard to start with but it will get better. Cycles stretch out to 4 hours pretty quickly. 3 hourly feeds are advised to help baby gain weight but once they've regained birth weight and are piling on the pounds you can just feed on demand.

Can you feed baby downstairs in the evenings so you can share time with DH? You'll soon be snuggling him instead of the baby 😊 give yourselves time and be kind to each other. It's just a blip where you have to put lo first for a time, but in the grand scheme of things it's very short.

Hot baths/showers, chocolate and sleep can help with the hormones. If DH or DM can take the baby for a bit get your head down.

Also be wary of all the 'advice' from everyone- listen and then do what feels right for you. People forget exactly what their babies did when and give you toddler advice for a newborn etc.

Thank you all, especially @catsnore and @Cafeaulait27 xx really encouraging and has made me not despair! Thanks x

I had a baby that never slept unless I held him. So I pretty much spent the first six months of his life on my arse watching box sets whilst holding him.

It's really early days OP. I didn't get home from the hospital with mine until after five days.

It will get better, I promise. You are in the thick of it right now and the days (and especially nights) can be very long. But the weeks will pass much quicker than the days if that makes sense. Before you know it you will be a few months down the line and have some alone time in the evenings.

Oh and regarding the feeding cycles - every baby is different but it sounds like you're in a good routine. Your mum may have managed feeds every four hours.....to give you another perspective, my babies shortest feeds were over 4 hours with a 10 min break til the next one (tongue tie). It honestly nearly broke me. So from my perspective you're doing amazingly well! Hang in there, and ask for all the support you need from your midwives/breast feeding support groups etc.

People forget exactly what their babies did when and give you toddler advice for a newborn etc.

This is so true, I experienced it many times. Classics included my mum being surprised that I couldn't just put my 3 month old down wide awake to go to sleep and my MIL thinking 6months is an average age to potty train.

You can still watch crap. I remember binge watching 24 with my Dh when ds1 was newborn. Dh was doing the nappy changes and bathing so he was still around. Maybe get Dh to sit with you so you don’t feel you’re alone or missing out. Express a bottle so you can unwind a bit and let Dh feed so you’re not doing it all yourself.

We couldn’t watch anything when our boy was a newborn as he had colic, we couldn’t hear anything over the screaming! Our days were - feed, hold upright, pace about, repeat for 3 months 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫