Postnatal Depression & Insomnia - Should I Return to Work Early?

[anz07]

I have a 3.5 month old daughter after a turbulent IVF journey (lots of drugs, 4 miscarriages and £35k spent on treatment - just to put the journey in brief perspective).

The birth of my daughter was quite traumatic. Induction at 41+3, 36 hour labour, lots of pushing to no avail, attempted forceps delivery and eventual emergency c-section (she was 10lb6oz so there was no way I was pushing her out!). My daughter didn’t cry when she was born and was taken away quickly and I didn’t see her for another day. I found the recovery pretty brutal on top of all the sleep deprivation.

I have unfortunately become more and more depressed as the weeks have rumbled on. I know I am immensely lucky but I struggle with the day to day challenges of being a parent. My partner is fantastic and works from home so I have a lot of support around. I even have my mum who lives on the same street as me and takes the baby for a couple of hours every day. I really do have the most amazing set up.

I don’t understand why I continue to feel so low. I keep thinking I’ll suddenly adjust to mum life but it just doesn’t happen. My baby is fairly good but a big screamer. Last night she had a crying fit (the one that sounds like she’s being murdered) at 4am. She is inconsolable and the crying can go on for a good hour at a time. I don’t think I fully realised the impact a baby would have on my life. I miss my old life so very much and would do anything to just be back in it, if only for a few days. I am suffering from terrible postnatal insomnia and scream into pillows most nights. My baby is sleeping, why can’t I? I also find it impossible to nap during the day. My insomnia is getting worse at a time in my life when I need sleep more than ever. It’s the most brutal mental torture.

I’m not sure if the rocky road to get to my daughter is playing catch up on me. All I know is it’s been nearly 4 months of feeling physically and mentally drained and I feel like an utterly shit parent. I feed her, I change her, I clean her, I do tummy time, I take her out, I talk to her…but most of the time I just wish I was back at work. I’ve never been a baby person - always wanted a child/family, but babies have always utterly bored me. Now I’m living with a screaming baby day in and day out and I just don’t know who I am anymore.

I’ve done all the usual things - plan trips out, met with some local mums etc…but often this makes me feel worse. All the other mums appear to be loving baby life and are already talking about a second. The thought just makes me shudder.

I was meant to be on maternity leave for a year but am now contemplating returning to work earlier (at 8 months) to try and get some normality back. I want to return part-time at 3.5 days a week and my daughter will be both in nursery and looked after by my mum. It’s ridiculous as I’m struggling so much but find the thought of her going to nursery so upsetting. I don’t want her to think I’ve abandoned her.

My job is demanding but I’ve always loved it. I have a killer commute (110 mile round trip) which concerns me due to the level of sleep deprivation I’m enduring. I guess what I want to ask is if anyone else has found their depression has improved after going back to work, or did it make it worse?

I haven’t gone to the GP as I really don’t want to be on antidepressants. Not my preference at all.

I appreciate this is a long and rambling post. If anyone can offer some insight or supportive words, it would mean the world at the moment. Please be kind.

Hello. Sorry to hear you are struggling. I don't have experience of going back to work but my first child is 7.5 months and it is now MUCH easier than the first 4 months. Once they get through all the tummy aches of the first few months and learn how to self sooth it is a whole different ballgame. Instead of constantly trying to stop them from crying it's now all about the giggles and learning to talk etc.

When do you need to decide by? These babies change so much from week to week so don't make any rash decisions.

What do you think is the root cause of the insomnia? If I were you I'd focus on tackling that first. Everything is much more manageable when you aren't sleep deprived.

@anz07
Sounds like a terrible time for you.

A lot of how you say you are feeling is very familiar to me. I was diagnosed with PND and anxiety and had severe insomnia. I also thought about going back to work early. I can't give you advice as everyone has their own journey and needs, but for me it was a lot of counselling combined with an antidepressant called mirtazapine on a low dose of 15mg that helps with sleep and I reacted very well to that. I felt very strongly that I wanted to recover 'naturally' but I had a breakdown and decided it was time to try medication (absolutely not trying to tell you to try medication and plenty of people get there without it too). The counselling also worked wonders over time for me too. I have been back at work for two months now and it's brought back a huge part of my identity that had been missing since becoming a mum. My baby (well, toddler now!) is thriving at nursery and that's been a very big but very positive step for me. I feel mostly recovered now but it was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with so far. Best of luck to you and take care x

Hi,

I feel pretty similar (mum to a 5 month old) . Really wanted a baby for years but I'm longing for my old life back and feel so guilty as I love my baby so much. I also have insomnia and being exhausted really takes its toll on your mental health. It is frustrating as people tell me to get medication for it but even if they did get me to sleep easier, my baby would wake me up several times a night while I'm groggy from the meds and I think I'd end up feeling worse.

Like you, I feel like I'm alone in my struggle and that other people are coping and loving it while that's far from the reality for me.

If you did want to talk about things, I'd be happy to. Might make us both feel better knowing we're not alone and maybe we could even help each other with tips on how to get through this rough period. I'm assured it gets easier but I'm wishing my child's life away instead of making the most of him and that's the most upsetting part.

Please see your GP. There are dedicated mental health teams for new mums. This can include talking therapies as well as medication.

@anz07

How are you doing love?

I am doing okay - thank you for checking in. Had a much better week last week, mainly because my daughter improved so much. Hardly any crying and better at self settling etc. Unfortunately had a bad day yesterday and looks set to be a bad one again today as she is crying a lot and seems grumpy. Can’t see any teeth coming through but am worried something is wrong that I otherwise can’t see. Days like this make me spiral down again unfortunately. It’s such a tough job and wholly unenjoyable when you have a baby constantly screaming at you. Hopefully things will get better again xx

@feellikemyselfagain

I am doing okay - thank you for checking in. Had a much better week last week, mainly because my daughter improved so much. Hardly any crying and better at self settling etc. Unfortunately had a bad day yesterday and looks set to be a bad one again today as she is crying a lot and seems grumpy. Can’t see any teeth coming through but am worried something is wrong that I otherwise can’t see. Days like this make me spiral down again unfortunately. It’s such a tough job and wholly unenjoyable when you have a baby constantly screaming at you. Hopefully things will get better again xx

@anz07

@anz07
Firstly good to hear things are on their way up. Secondly, sorry to hear you're having an extra rough couple of days. I hear you! It can be really stressful when they're unsettled for no apparent reason. I hope you either spot some teeth or she goes back to herself asap. I promise you will get through all of this and you'll feel so so much better. All the little things you can do for yourself really add up. Like all the pieces of a picture lighting back up again. Sending loads of love to you and your family x

@feellikemyselfagain Thank you so much, that is such a good way to look at it. 🤍 We coincidentally had an osteopath appointment booked for her today and they’ve said she is definitely teething so at least that explains it. It’s horrible to see her so unsettled. I had to walk with her in the buggy in the pouring rain today earlier as she was inconsolable in the house. I am dreading the continuance of teething…makes me feel anxiety-riddled again. Not much that can be done other than going through it. I can’t wait for the day where everything feels completely normal - I don’t think that will happen until she’s much older. These babies are too unpredictable for me!! 😄 Thank you again for taking the time to write to me, it really does mean the world xx

@anz07
My post natal anxiety was TERRIBLE! It's gone now and I do not miss it one bit. I'm at the stage where I'm so used to things being thrown at me like teething or a temperature that I'm able to adapt much better now. I like to think of each thing that comes along as another thing ticked off my 'baby bingo' card. I did not have this outlook a few months ago though and just getting through the day felt like such an uphill struggle. Do you get the chance to do anything nice for yourself away from your baby?

@anz07
Also if it helps at all, then I've found that the teething is ok once they've actually broken through the gum

@feellikemyselfagain Thank you, that is very reassuring. I definitely have a mental bingo card too!! Yes, I am lucky in that I am able to have time to myself every now and again as my partner and mum often take the baby. I will keep soldiering on. I guess that, the older my baby gets, the more settled she will eventually be. I think she is quite a frustrated child - desperately wants to sit up and move about but is a little behind as she has a bit of an issue with her back. Hopefully happier times are ahead for all! Thank you so much for your supportive words, they have helped immensely xxx

I am currently in similar situation. High anxiety and insomnia . How are you doing now ? When did it start getting better