Feeling like a bad mother

[coffeewithmilk]

My son is nearly 9 weeks old. He was wished for and we had such a hard time up until he was conceived (through ivf)
I did suffer from what I think was the baby blues but it wasn't immediately after he was born, it was probably around the 2nd or 3rd week.

Now I just feel constantly stressed, his crying stresses me out, I don't feel the overwhelming love that people talk about and having to 'soothe his cries' just makes me annoyed.. not annoyed at him, but just generally feeling out of character for me. I'm constantly snapping at my husband and he said this should be the happiest time of our lives.. which I want it to be so I don't know why I'm struggling so much.

I feel emotional at times.. I just don't know what to do, is it normal to feel this way?

I cant say its normal and I cant say its not normal. Being a mom is a roller coaster of emotions especially as a first time mom and especially during the newborn stage.

Its not easy at all. The sleep deprivation, the constant anxiety; I remember I was the same, although I was really happy that DS came into our lives and for the most part was coping alright but there were some days that I wanted to rip my hair out and I felt like a failure.

Take some time out just for yourself, give baby to your DH and just go out and clear your head. Do something nice for your self, go to the shops, get something to eat, do your nails etc...Trust me as daft as it sounds these little things did a lot for me when I was feeling like that.

You're doing really good X

@ISayItLikeItIs

I cant say its normal and I cant say its not normal. Being a mom is a roller coaster of emotions especially as a first time mom and especially during the newborn stage.

Its not easy at all. The sleep deprivation, the constant anxiety; I remember I was the same, although I was really happy that DS came into our lives and for the most part was coping alright but there were some days that I wanted to rip my hair out and I felt like a failure.

Take some time out just for yourself, give baby to your DH and just go out and clear your head. Do something nice for your self, go to the shops, get something to eat, do your nails etc...Trust me as daft as it sounds these little things did a lot for me when I was feeling like that.

You're doing really good X

Exactly this. Its not easy becoming a Mother its a totally different experience. At the beginning i had many weeks of tears thinking i was not good enough and that i could not soothe my baby but honestly as the weeks go by you begin to form a special attachment and bond so strong that you honestly don't even know how it happened. But right now you need to make sure you have time out for yourself to and get as much fresh air and sunshine and try to enjoy each day with your little bundle of joy. You are doing great and if you are struggling or need help do not be afraid to ask for help from family/friends. We have all been there x

I felt similar at this point. It's a really hard stage and most mums feel this way, having said that if you feel really overwhelmed and if it starts making you ill it's no harm link in with your Doctor to see if they can help. You're doing amazing, we don't talk enough about how tough it is.... we are supposed to be all in a newborn love bubble of gratefulness and snuggles which is not the reality for most new parents x

First weeks is hard is all i can say, cause they just NEED you CONSTANTLY, at least for me this is so draining, i love to be alone and in quiet. So i guess its overstimulation all the noise and clinginess. Theres nothing wrong with you if thats what youre worrying about, just tell your partner to give you 5 minutes alone x and really at so little weeks they dont do much ..to actually enjoy it, later on gets more interesting and all

The overwhelming love doesn’t happen to everyone immediately. I didn’t even feel like I was my DTs mum until they were around 12 weeks, and whilst I knew I loved them, I didn’t feel it until they were around 8 months and I’d started ads for pnd. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, and it felt great.

I’m not saying you have pnd, but I felt like you feel and it was pnd for me. I used to dread going to bed because I’d have to wake up the next day and deal with the same shit all over again.

I think your DH’s view of it should be the happiest time of your life is rather sweet, but mainly unrealistic - babies are hard bloody work and I didn’t find it to be a terribly happy time at all! There’s nothing happy making about chronic sleep deprivation, your body constantly leaking and some mini dictator screaming for what feels like forever for hours a day.

I’d definitely suggest having a chat with your HV or GP if you feel you need additional help. Contrary to what I thought, there’s no shame in it and SS won’t immediately take your children. Just for the record, you are not a bad mother, you’re awesome 🤩

Sending big hugs

I was very similar to you, much wanted baby through fertility treatment and I didn't feel that instant overwhelming bond and I really struggled for the first couple of months with motherhood as a whole. I constantly felt like a bad mother, constantly worried about our bond, struggled with her cries, struggled with taking her out and had bad mum guilt for doing anything remotely for myself and feeling happy about it e.g just taking the dogs for a walk alone!

My baby is now nearly 5 months and I still struggle with feeling like a bad mum, the mum guilt, and her cries but I would now definitely say I have a bond with her now and I feel a lot more confident and happier now.

Many people told me for some the bond just needs to be built with time. I was told that you have a new person in your house who you've never actually met before, if it were anyone else, you would need to get to know them to bond so this is no different. I know it's hard not to beat yourself up about it especially for a much wanted baby but the bond will come.

For me it was about talking to my health visitor who referred me to my GP for anti depressants. The anti depressants have then allowed me to build my confidence with my baby girl by setting myself goals. Like I would go for a walk with her around the estate, and then once I felt confident with that I would take her to Tesco to quickly grab something and so on.

I'd say the talking and the anti depressants really helped and I must admit I got very lucky in that I had a baby who's been sleeping through the night for the past month or so. Never underestimate how sleep deprivation can affect you! Well at least for me who loves sleep anyway haha. I would recommend if there is some sort of arrangement you can work out with your partner so you both get a solid block of a few hours sleep a night, do it. We ended up splitting the night in half and that really worked for us but its not for everyone!

I hope some of the above helps. Keep going mama you got this! All the best for your journey

I'm sorry you're feeling so exhausted...

It seems like you've been struggling for about six weeks now, which is quite a while. So please don't feel afraid to reach out for professional help. You might have PND (www.mumsnet.com/articles/postnatal-depression) - so please do give PANDAS a call, even if it's just to find out one way or the other, and set your mind at ease. If you do have PND, then at least you can get some support. If left, it can go on for quite a while...

I hope you feel better soon. Stay strong, and get help. If you feel up to it, let us know how things turn out.

Thank you everyone for your replies and I'm sorry I'm only coming back on the thread now.

Things have massively improved and it's almost like I'm a completely different person now.. it's amazing what a month can do.
We've gotten into a little routine and are getting a lot more sleep, getting out for walks during the day and being a bit more sociable.

I look back now and feel like I was going crazy in the beginning, even though it was only a month ago.

Thank you for all of your replies. They really helped me at a low time

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@coffeewithmilk I am so happy that you replied I had wondered how you were doing and I'm so glad to hear that you're feeling back to yourself.

I remember going through the exact same thing and feeling like I was losing my mind.

There needs to be a more realistic dialogue about the reality of the 4th trimester newborn stage and so many women can feel so alone and think that things will never get better.
Hopefully a new mum who is struggling finds your thread and sees that there is hope and things will get better xxx

What a lovely update OP. You will notice your routine becomes better and you will know what works and does not work as time goes on. Its all a new experience for all of us and so many different stages to experience and enjoy. The main thing is that you are enjoying each day, getting fresh air and having time to rest when you need it. Good luck with everything!