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Postnatal health

Experiencing PND baby is 5 months?

1 reply

IsthisPND2022 · 20/03/2022 04:10

I already have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder so am unsure if what I’m feeling is bipolar depression or post partum depression.

I had a pretty traumatic time in the last 6 weeks of pregnancy. I had severe preeclampsia and my baby had to be taken out at 33 weeks by EMCS. Baby spent 20 days in NICU, she done so well and impressed everyone with how fast she was able to come home. I was proud as punch but I don’t feel I bonded or had that “obsessive love” feeling until baby was about 6/7 weeks old. I knew I loved her but it didn’t feel real IYSWIM?

We live in a 1 bedroom, top floor flat so getting out with baby has been really difficult. I feel guilty everyday that she doesn’t get much fresh air. We bought a house in January, got keys last month and have basically had to rip it apart, it’s still not ready. We’ve all been very unsettled by this.

Baby used to sleep for a good 7 hour stretch, wake for 1 feed and then sleep for another 4 hours. She’s started waking up twice (or more) in the night now and I am absolutely exhausted by it. I get lots of breaks as my family are very hands on but I’ve started to dread spending all day every day with her.

We all had Covid which has set us back a couple of weeks with decorating. This has made me feel pretty crap because the house stuff seemed insurmountable in the first place and this has just made it worse.

Over the past couple of months (before we got the keys so I don’t think it’s to do with the house stuff), I’ve started having thoughts like I regret my choice to have a child. I had to take time out from my studies and everyone in my class is currently receiving job offers while I’m stuck in a tiny flat just trying to survive the day until my partner comes home to do bath time and give me an hours break. (Although that’s not been happening as he’s working ok the house) Should also mention that we had an agreement that he would do the 1 night feed so I could get a good chunk of sleep (I suffer insomnia) but since I took time out of uni, he decided that I should do all the feeds.

Since having Covid and trying to care for my daughter while ill, I’ve just felt like giving up. I was so exhausted and I was getting irritated that I had to care for her while I was sick, we stayed in my mums for over a week isolating together. I came home a few days ago and I literally can’t face life anymore. I’m crying at everything (I’m not a tearful depressed person so this is new for me), I already felt like I was a shit mum as I’m finding the baby stage so difficult. My daughter deserves better. I feel so guilty that my family have been caring for her for the past few days as I just can’t. And she’s started holding things and bringing toys to her mouth. She’s already learned a new skill since I’ve been off the radar, this to me is proof that I’m shit and she deserves better. I think about the fact that I was denied the whole pregnancy experience at least once a day. People think I’m lucky that I didn’t get stretch marks. I didn’t get them because my baby wasn’t growing properly, my body didn’t nourish her the way it was supposed to. I feel sad every day that I didn’t get to see her movements on the outside. That I didn’t get to experience Labour or contractions. I won’t have another baby so I feel cheated out of the whole experience.

My baby is healthy, beautiful and smart and I’m just not enjoying her right now. I don’t feel the joy that I felt in the first couple of months of her life. I just feel like I’m waiting for the day to be over to put her to bed for some peace but I don’t feel at peace because I know I’ll have to be up a couple of times in the night and then have no energy for her in the day.

Since she’s been looked after I’ve literally been sleeping 14/15/16 hours every day but I don’t feel rested. I know I need to feel better and take care of her but I’m just dreading it.

I’m already on medication for bipolar but it doesn’t seem to be making me feel any better.

This has been really long and I’m not sure it makes much sense, I’m sorry. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Flittingaboutagain · 20/03/2022 04:24

I'm really sorry to read this. I think your depression about life and general house stress, Covid recovery etc is sabotaging your experience and making things seem harder with the baby.

I think it's a good idea to access perinatal mental health services for support for the birth side of things.

From the four month leap by baby has been up at least four times a night for the boob; it's totally normal to be up loads. Don't think this means you've done anything wrong at all!

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