My baby is 4 weeks old.
She is gorgeous and so perfect which makes this feel even worse.
I haven't been diagnosed with PND yet or even spoken to my GP, however I have a history of depression, anxiety and OCD so I feel like I recognise when I'm getting depressed again if that makes sense. I will be calling my doctors today, I just need to rant. I'm already on Fluoxetine and have been for nearly a year but it's not enough anymore. I've had counselling before I was pregnant but it's hard to get and it's too expensive for me to afford.
I feel so empty. I feel like I'm starting to feel numb and I can't cope with this anymore. I feel ridiculous because my baby sleeps amazingly and wakes every 3 hours for food and is straight back off to sleep again, yet I'm still struggling.
I want to get away.
I feel awful typing this but I want her to go away and I'm starting to feel annoyed at her. This hurts because I love her so much and I know it's not her fault.
When she cries, it goes straight through me.
I've become lazy. I don't want to change her nappy or feed her. Of course I do, but I do not want to.
I feel like a teenager saying this but I want to be drunk. I don't want to feel my feelings anymore. I want to lose control and be completely reckless.
I'm so tired. I can't be bothered.
I would never hurt my baby, but my OCD is in forms of intrusive thoughts. These started after an abusive relationship and have haunted me ever since. I get awful thoughts about hurting my baby, myself etc. I get horrible visions and I hate it, but my brain loves to make me think about hurting the ones I love.
I'm also hating bedtimes because I'm so scared of her dying. I'm terrified her breathing isn't normal because it's so fast and she gasps. I'm scared she will slip under the blanket.
I'm just so fed up and done