@TruffleNoir. Yes I get the jealousy feeling 100%. Sucha hard thing to admit so thank goodness for spaces like this. I can’t speak any platitudes into that, I still experience it BUT I have found heaps of skin to skin, baby wearing and quality time has helped me manage these feelings. You can still experience all that lovely oxytocin being realised by skin to skin, I do this in the dark at night whilst giving her her bottle and it’s just quality. This is my third baby and honestly breastfeeding grief has made me a far more present mum than I was with my first two. Obviously I had to get through the deep pain that made me withdraw from her initially but now I’m just trying to soak up every minute in a way I didn’t with the other two and I honestly believe I have a stronger bond with her than I did with her older siblings at her age. Good things can be brought forth from pain as deep as this. On a practical note, I don’t visit the Facebook /Instagram pages which may trigger and spend less time with my friends who are doing extended breastfeeding. It’s sucks that I have to do this but I’m putting myself and baby first.
I’m glad journaling as helped and overtime you find peace.
I just want to share a little bit more incase it helps and selfishly because it helps me. I breastfed my first two til 12 months and 14 months respectively. I haven’t reflected heaps on this because there was no trauma and I simply moved onto the next stage with them.
With my 3rd, there were issues from the start. She had a broken clavicle and although this healed quickly, it meant she could only lie on one side to feed as she’d never known anything different and after 8 weeks of doing so, I could not break this habit. Then there was the nipple shied - she never weaned off it, I tried desperately hard as I’d weaned my other two off after a week or two but she would scream and scream until I put it back on. In hindsight I should’ve called a IBCLC but I felt I should know better, thinking about it now, it seem ridiculous. At 6 months we started mixed feeding and by 8 months my milk dried up. The irony is that the mixed feeding had allowed the space and time for me to have a break and at the same time, the weather had improved and the dark haze I’d been living in was lifting. I started to feel happier and this was clearly down to more sleep, better weather and (controversially), losing some weight, also getting outside more. I had other personal issues that had affected my mood but at least some things were easing. Once I started to feel better, my milk dried up and I was left in a horrible situation of wanting to breastfeed but couldn’t. So to be clear I’d been very depressed when feeding during the first 8 months and it hadn’t been a beautiful peaceful experience. I feel it’s really important to highlight this as even if you’d managed to breastfeed longer, it may still have been very difficult. In my case, I do believe it was about to get better as I was feeling much more myself when my milk dried up. I had her on formula for a month and then started relactating. This was horrific as I lost more sleep and hormones went crazy but after a month I had 75% of milk back. I did everything to try and get her to relatch but she just screamed every time and I wept and wept. So from 9 to 12 month I fed her pumped milk and topped up with formula. She was very ill from the moment my milk dried up (a cruel coincidence) and I couldn’t comfort her because she’d smell my milk, want it desperately but not latch so the screaming would start and I’d hand her to my husband and pump frantically. I was never quite making enough and it was constant anxiety. When my husband was away during the day and I was managing our other two also, it was horrendous . My story is messy and bitty and yes I know I breastfeed for a good stint but the fact I didn’t enjoy the first 8 months, the abrupt stop, coupled with her being so ill and refusing to relatch completed broke me. She had virus after virus from 8 to 15 months and it’s been a constant guilt trip for me. I’m not saying that the milk would definitely have been the cure but I wanted to nurse her during this time. Thankfully she is well now. She is our last baby and I’m just sad it had to end like this but I do believe healing will come. My other two are super affectionate at 3 and 5 and once she is through her super independent baby stage, I think that the cuddles will increase and it’ll help heal my heart. It’s a hard phase when peers are falling pregnant and breastfeeding but this phase will pass and onto the next when the triggers will be far less frequent and there will be more peace.