Tips on getting over a traumatic birth

[dg93]

Hi, I'm wondering if you have any tips on getting over a traumatic birth? It's still early days for me, as my csection was last Friday, but I already know I'm going to struggle with this, and I'd love to know what to do.

Brief back story

Csection was planned at 37 weeks

My request for steroids was denied by the senior doctor - I was told baby didn't need it

Baby arrived at 9:40am, barely able to breath for herself - then put on breathing equipment and then onto a ventilator as she couldn't breath at all

She's still in intensive care now, but I've been discharged so unable to stay with my baby

My entire stay at the hospital I was put in a ward with screaming babies and happy families whilst I sat there counting down the seconds to see my little girl, wondering if she would still be breathing or not, and then knowing she wasn't when the intensive care team came to get me in front of everyone saying my baby wasn't well and I needed to see her urgently

I had asked for a private room which was denied (they had 4 private rooms available) but for my stay Friday to Tuesday I wasn't allowed to use any of them

And to top it all off, to be discharged from my hospital you have to watch a 35 minute video which starts with 'congratulations, your being discharged with your newborn baby', the entire video pretty much said the same.

And my postnatal checkup with my midwife has been cancelled as the senior midwife said 'we know you don't really need it as your baby will still be in hospital', so now I have no idea who is taking my stitches out, or even when!

Rant over sorry. But as you can tell I've been through a lot and sat here without my little girl, all I'm thinking about is how I can calm down about the situation so I can care for my baby when she's home in a few weeks. I don't want to hold anger or resentment when I think about her birth but I'm really struggling.

I spend at least 95% of the day crying
I didn't eat or sleep for days on end
And I just feel so confused and disconnected from reality right now.

I just need my baby home with me, and for me to be over this as much as I can and I really don't know where to start 😔

Fuck, I am so sorry you’ve been through that (and you’re still going through it).

I had a rough birth though not to this level and the things that helped most were going over my labour notes with the gynae who diagnosed my prolapse, and loads and loads of time.

Hassle your midwife for some emotional support: you would be a robot if you didn’t need it, and you deserve it.

Really hope you have your lovely girl home soon.

Oh bless you, this is such a tough situation.

I have been through a similar though not as horrendous experience. My baby had to be resuscitated at birth as wasn't breathing, 10+ agonising minutes with them trying to intubate and he then started to breathe.

I didn't get any help/debrief etc as I didn't feel I deserved it.....after all my baby started breathing, he was fine...so what was my problem? I now know we had a traumatic birth and I was so wrong.

It is perfectly natural and normal to be so distraught at this point so in a way feel it (as awful as that is) but ask for any support the NICU can offer you in terms of access to counselling/psychological support/new my support/bonding support etc. Ask for a debrief if your ready for that however that may be more sensible with time and when you ready.

I do have lasting issues from not getting help. I excessively checked on baby until 2+ to check they were breathing, I have images and intrusive thoughts that he's stopped breathing or I'll go in and find him lifeless on a morning. This is really quite disturbing at times. I also then developed excessive worry about him choking and still do (4+). I do honestly believe that had a got support through the first year after the birth things would have been very different so please reach out for that support.

If you feel strong enough tell them you do need follow up, you are going through a horrendous time and if you don't feel able then ask partner/parent/friend to do that for you. You need input from the team who should be around you.

As for the video and being on the ward - wait until your stronger then give them some feedback/complain as that is torturous and cruel.

Hugs.

You poor thing, what a horrible experience. I agree with previous posters but would also say that when you feel up to it, it might be worth putting in a complaint to PALS, at least about your treatment postnatally, which sounds horribly insensitive at best. It might make you feel a little better that you’ve highlighted to the hospital how poor their treatment is of mothers who aren’t having the “usual” postnatal experience, and possibly helped prevent other mothers from experiencing the same. That’s not a substitute for getting good counselling and support for your mental health now though (speaking as someone who needed that for a different kind of birth trauma). I wish you and your little girl all the best!

You poor thing. That sounds really traumatic. I hope your DD is doing OK. Totally agree with PPs but also wanted to make a few suggestions.

1. Hassle the midwives for post natal checks and visits. You are still a patient. You should have had community midwife visits - contact your GP surgery if you don’t have contact details for them (you would normally have seen them for routine appointments prior to the birth). Can your DP/DH/a family member hassle them on your behalf?

2. You would usually be booked in with the health visitor, maybe around ten days after birth and definitely around six weeks. If the midwives aren’t helpful, contact them. Again, your GP surgery should be able to direct you but you might also be able to find details through the local children’s centre.

3. Have a look for the Birth Trauma Association - they have a website and a brilliant closed Facebook page (just ping them a membership request and it will be actioned quite quickly). There are lots of other women who’ve had traumatic births on there and it can be a great place to offload and to get ideas about where to access support.

4. In slower time, you might want to consider a birth reflections appointment where a midwife goes through what happened with you, based on your notes. I’d recommend you leave it a while before asking for this but you can do it at any point.

5. If, further down the line, you’d like some therapy or counselling to help you process things, there’s a London-based organisation called Parenthood in Mind which are very good.

Do you have any support in real life? My child’s birth wasn’t anywhere near as traumatic as yours in that he was physically fine, but I was traumatised and I really needed to talk about it. I also needed help earlier than I got it as it took months before I realised my reaction wasn’t normal and had terrible issues with anxiety.

Thanks everyone 💖

My section was at a hospital 45 mins away, but all my appointments were at my local hospital. So whilst on the way to see my baby, my local hospital rang to see how I was as they saw there were a few issues, and that baby was still in intensive care.

I'd been really tearful all morning, but was pretty under control (not fully crying), until the lady asked how I was and I completely broke down. I couldn't get any words out, I was an absolute mess, unable to answer her questions, or tell her why I was crying.

She ended up saying she needed to get off the phone as she couldn't understand a word I was saying, but that she could see I needed further help. I don't know what help she's talking about but I said I'd call her back when im less emotional, so im going to give her a call tomorrow morning, im just hoping I can control my emotions a bit!

I did mention to her about the video they made me watch, and she said I really ought to email the head midwife and tell her, as she may not have realised how insensitive it was, so im going to send that email shortly.

My partner is so amazing, and has helped me through all of this - but at the same time he's been trying to keep it together for me, and I hasn't seen him cry about anything so I think he needs to speak about what's happening as well. I just hope he's ok.

We both have amazing family members, but we haven't really told anyone the whole situation. I asked him not to tell everyone the full story yet as I don't have the strength to explain to everyone why baby is in intensive care. Instead we just said we aren't sure why it's happened. I think we need to tell them though so we both have someone to speak to about the situation.

My baby girl is doing really well, and I managed to feed her for the first time this evening. She's being fed by bottle (expressed milk) which was so nice. She's doing so well, the doctors have said the only thing they are still concerned about is she forgets to breath when she eats and cries, so they are just monitoring this.

Once they are happy I will stay in hospital with her, doing everything for her for 3 days. If there's no medical issues during those 3 days I get to bring her home and I can't wait!!!

Thank you all again, I'll see how the call goes tomorrow x

How terribly you have been treated. Keep notes and later, when things are easier. complain. Now just rest as much as possible and share with your partner as you are both traumatized. Soon you will all be home as a family. I wish you peace and happiness

1) Hassle the midwives for post natal checks and visits. You are still a patient. You should have had community midwife visits - contact your GP surgery if you don’t have contact details for them (you would normally have seen them for routine appointments prior to the birth). Can your DP/DH/a family member hassle them on your behalf?

2) You would usually be booked in with the health visitor, maybe around ten days after birth and definitely around six weeks. If the midwives aren’t helpful, contact them. Again, your GP surgery should be able to direct you but you might also be able to find details through the local children’s centre

GPs have no control over midwives or health visitors (I'm a GP). Midwives sometimes borrow a room in a GP surgery to see patients but we do not manage them or have contact details, beyond the same call centre that patients use.

There should be a number in your maternity pack, though OP (the big yellow book here, though I don't know if it's the same colour in all areas). And sorry you went through such a crap experience. When you feel stronger and your DD is better, it would be great if you could feed this back via PALS. It was incredibly insensitive to make you watch the video, or to cancel your MW visit. New mothers need care, not just babies!

Hope your lovely DD is home with you very soon.

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow, thanks for clarifying - I know GPs don’t have any authority over midwives or health visitors but I thought they might be able to provide details of how to contact them in your area. I’m sure that when I was first pregnant, it was the GP surgery who facilitated the first appointment with community midwives.

You’ve been treated fucking appalingly.

I’d be starting with a complaint to PALS, but beyond that I don’t know.

[quote MacaroniCheeseCat]@MissLucyEyelesbarrow, thanks for clarifying - I know GPs don’t have any authority over midwives or health visitors but I thought they might be able to provide details of how to contact them in your area. I’m sure that when I was first pregnant, it was the GP surgery who facilitated the first appointment with community midwives.[/quote]
We have a contact number but these days it's just to the call centre that patients use too. Even with emergencies, we end up having to ring the hospital midwives on the same number as the public use (am not having a pop at midwives for this by the way - obviously it's not their fault). So, in the OP's situation, we would only be able to give her the same number she's already got.