Struggling with birth memory even though it wasn't traumatic

[onefour]

I gave birth to my DD 11 months ago. My pregnancy was fine and, on paper, so was the birth. But when I look back on it I feel nothing but negativity, and I’m struggling to move on from this. The birth actually went exactly to my preference, except that I wasn’t given gas and air when I really needed it and I tore quite badly. I can just quickly summarise:
• Got booked into the MLU at 10pm, 3cm dilated but 5cm when having a contraction. Because I was technically 3cm the MW should have sent me home but said I could stay if I had a sweep, so I agreed.
• I asked for gas and air but was told it was too early, given codine and left for 4hrs – MW said she would re-assess me at that point
• She came back at 2:30am, I was practically delirious with the pain of contractions and 8cm dilated – MW transferred me to the birth pool right away and I finally got my gas & air. It was such a relief
• About 4am I started to feel the urge to push – MW said I was in transition and not to panic – I said no my body is definitely pushing and she said ok go with it
• I tried as hard as I could but it felt like my DD couldn’t fit out – MW kept saying push as hard as you can and I did
• After 1.5hrs she was born, safe and well
• But I tore in 3 places and all needed stitching
• The stitching lasted an hour and was excruciating – 6 injections of LA and G&A did nothing to help with the pain
• I had to stay in on the main ward all day and overnight because my daughter couldn’t latch. DH was sent home because of COVID restrictions, expect for 2 hours 2-4pm.
• DD didn’t settle in the night because she was hungry – I had barely any sleep at all and eventually gave her formula, even though I had wanted to EBF. Five different MWs/feeding consultants couldn’t get her to latch. We never found out why (she was referred for TT but there was none). I’d laboured through the night and I just needed some sleep.
• I was in agony from the stiches – I sobbed everytime I went to the toilet/showered/sat down. It was hell – worse than labour. This lasted about 2 weeks, then the pain started to subside. By 4 weeks I could walk to the shops.
• One of the tears was on my labia, which split completely in two close to my clit. The stiches there didn’t hold beyond day 2, so it is still split – I am awaiting surgery to correct this.

I don’t know why I’m posting this. I guess I need to talk about it. I feel traumatised by what happened, but I don’t think I should be. I feel guilty when I read or hear about other women’s extremely traumatic births and wonder how I can feel so bad when I compare my birth with theirs – and it was so clearly easier. I guess I’m wanting to know if there are other women out there who feel like I do – like they are traumatised by their births but can’t figure out why?

I’m sorry for such a long post – thank you for reading if you got this far.

Don't feel guilty, you've been through a heck of a lot.

First of all, trauma can't be compared. Secondly, I've had 3 emergency csections including one that left me with ptsd and two had life threatening conditions for me, and one was a premature birth and baby was scarily ill afterwards, but I find your post birth stuff scary/upsetting! Your birth was "fine" overall, but you've obviously had quite nasty injuries from it, you're waiting for reconstructive surgery, that's fairly high up there in the trauma stakes don't you think? Go easy on yourself, maybe find someone to speak to about your experience.

I would argue your birth was traumatic since you have trauma from it.

You were coerced into having a sweep.

Your request for your preferred pain relief were not listened to.

You left alone when maybe you needed guidance and companionship.

You went through a lot of pain.

One thing you can do is book a birth debrief. It can be a good way to digest the difficulties you have encountered. Don't minimise your feelings, fear and pain. They are valid.

I would certainly say that sounds traumatic. No wonder you feel upset. It’s hard to process birth trauma. Who do you talk to? You have had a rough time, give yourself time and space to recover.

I don't know what it is that makes us accept some things and not others but I think counseling would help you.

I had a few issues with birth (third degree, no catheter put in so pushing on a full bladder). Also, coincidentally, DS didn't latch and I had every midwife and thier dog try and latch him. So I understand maybe a fraction of what you have been through. Your feelings are very valid and understandable but I think counseling might help you move on and find positive things to take from it. I mean, look what you did!! All you went through! Are still dealing with. You are amazing!

This sounds very traumatic to me, and you’ve been left with trauma to a very personal area. I agree your feelings are very valid

Hey that sounds rough. Your feelings are so valid

It must have been a huge challenge to get through all that post-birth pain; and the split labia, ouch.

Sending you supportive thoughts.

I am just going to mention that tea tree oil was amazing when I had stitches following tearing. Some people are allergic though. A few drops on my pad bought huge relief.

I agree with others saying to get a birth debrief. Yours wasn't an easy birth experience xx

Your birth story sounds horrific. You're still suffering 11 months on, thats horrific! What a total headfuck that you've been longterm physically and mentally damaged by this experience and you don't feel you've a right to be traumatised. A total bullshit world we live in that women just have to put up with this! I'm traumatised reading your OP. Sending loads of positive thoughts your way and wishes for a speedy recovery from your next surgery. Maybe see if there's someone you can speak to about your feelings? My good friend went through an horrific birth and wrote a letter to the hospital to explain her.feelings. She said it helped.

That absolutely IS trauma. If you are traumatised by it then it's trauma. What other people have suffered doesn't affect that.

I'm so sorry you went through that. Is there a listening service through PALS (patient liaison service) near you? They can often help you work through it all.

Your birth sounds traumatic to me.

I was practically delirious with the pain of contractions
The stitching lasted an hour and was excruciating – 6 injections of LA and G&A did nothing to help with the pain
I had barely any sleep at all and eventually gave her formula, even though I had wanted to EBF.
I was in agony from the stiches – I sobbed everytime I went to the toilet/showered/sat down. It was hell – worse than labour. This lasted about 2 weeks, then the pain started to subside. By 4 weeks I could walk to the shops.

That all sounds absolutely horrific. Would examining why you feel it's not traumatic help? One of my friends had a similar sounding experience that had all of us crossing her legs when she told us and she struggled with calling it traumatic because the three of us listening all had emergency sections. She'd picked up the idea that a reasonably straightforward vaginal birth couldn't be traumatic because it was the gold standard from somewhere. Whereas we all thought it sounded horrendous and traumatic. Conversely multiple people have questioned how I actually feel about my second emcs because of their assumptions (it was actually amazing). I think it's also worth remembering that trauma is subjective. My dc1's arrival was traumatic to me but whenever I tell people the saga the bits they assume the trauma arose from varies dramatically.

It was traumatic. And it takes time to process. Don't feel guilty for feeling traumatised because you don't feel it was "bad" enough to warrant it. It sounds similar to my second DC birth, 11 years ago, and to be honest I still don't really like to think too hard about it (same with my first DC which was also awful but EMCS). But I acknowledge now that it was OK to feel upset and traumatised, even if I am fine, baby fine, etc and enough time has elapsed that I've moved on. Bringing another life into the world is HARD. Well done, and I'm sorry you feel like you do right now.

Adelyra summed it up perfectly.

Your wishes were not respected and you suffered significant tears which were painfully repaired and continue to cause you concern. Also you did not feed as you wanted.

You are grieving for the birth and 4th trimester you wanted and what you went through should not be minimised. I too think a debrief would be helpful followed by some therapy/counselling to support you through what sounds like PTSD.

I had a very similar experience I asked for a meeting with the head midwife where we went over everything. It did help me get some closure the apology I received from her regarding a small matter also really helped.

I second the advice to ask for a debrief with the midwifery team. And in particular to ask them why the hell they didn’t perform an episiotomy to prevent those horrific injuries.

That sounds traumatic to me op

Trauma is very erratic - sometimes a person who received a serious injury ends up not getting PTSD, whereas a bystander who simply watched them be injured suffers terrible PTSD symptoms. Feeling lack of agency during the incident is an important risk factor, as is not talking about it afterwards - you don't mention this but it's almost inevitable that this will happen because a newborn takes over your entire life. In short, don't compare or feel guilty, if you are feeling traumatised then you are traumatised. Find a good therapist - I believe EMDR is particularly effective for trauma - and I really hope they can help you through this.

It does sound traumatic, that really comes through in your post. I had planned C sections for all of mine so can't compare but my cousin had a textbook home birth, no tears, no issues at all, everything went to plan. She was traumatised by it, just said it was shockingly painful and won't have anyone dismiss her feelings about it. And rightly so.

You've done fantastic. There is some good advice here.

Sounds traumatic to me. Check out birth trauma awareness on Facebook. It's a closed group of women and some men, really friendly group. They also have a website and Instagram with some resources.

Jesus, that sounds v traumatic! I don’t think you can say your birth went well when you’ve torn in 3 places and need corrective surgery. You had a traumatic birth. It sounds awful. You poor thing. No wonder you need to talk about it, you’ve been though a lot. Have your considered a couple of counselling sessions? Might help just to have someone listen and validate your feelings.

Thank you so much for all your kind comments and advice.

To the ladies who mentioned the debrief service - I actually already did this because I wanted to understand more about my tears. I knew about the one on the labia and knew that I had a perineal tear, but didn’t know the degree and was worried it was severe because a dr stitched me up instead of the MW. Thankfully it was a 2nd degree, but at the debrief I also found out about an internal tear - which wasn’t mentioned to me after the birth even though it was also stitched up. The MW who did the debrief told me it was a very good birth and that I’d done “really well” for my first. I actually remember her exact words "you did really well hun" and I thought - then why do I feel so shitty about it? I think she was trying to reassure me but looking back this probably added to my feeling that I had nothing to be upset about.

After the debrief I requested my notes. I found that the second stage of labour had been recorded as starting at 2:30am, when I was already 8cm. No mention of the four hours prior. No mention of the sweep. No wonder the debrief MW thought it had been a good labour - on my record it lasted 3 hours.

I had 2 midwives assigned to me for the birth - one who was a community MW but had been called in because of covid-related staff shortages. One student MW who had never attended a live birth before. I can’t help but wonder if their lack of experience contributed to my issues, eg would a more experienced MW have offered an episiotomy to prevent the tearing? Would they have realised I was progressing very fast and offered me pain relief earlier? I feel let down by this, even though I know it’s not their fault really. But the lack of record in my notes makes me angry - I can’t help but wonder if they are incomplete because the staff were so busy, or if information has been left out on purpose to cover potential mistakes? Either way I feel let down. I thought about making a complaint but decided not to as I’m not sure how it would help me to move on.

I did also join the birth trauma page on fb and this is where I first realised the extent to which some people suffer - I really felt like a complete fraud in comparison and never posted anything because of it.

I definitely feel I fell into the trap of thinking that a vaginal birth that didn’t end in an EMCS is a success not matter what. I had no idea how bad vaginal birth injuries could be. I also suffered a (thankfully mild) bladder prolapse and the physio pointed out that birth is the only major operation for which informed consent isn’t required. I definitely didn’t go into it feeling informed of the risks, and was actually terrified that I might need a CS - it never occurred to me that the recovery from vaginal birth could also be so brutal.

Actually having 20 people on Mumsnet tell me that it’s understandable to feel how I feel after what I went through has helped more than anything else I’ve done in 11 months. I didn’t have the worst birth experience ever, but that doesn't mean it was a good one, and having other women tell me that has helped so much. I really thought it was all in my head, and I had blown everything out of proportion. I take your advice to heart - I think counselling is what I need. The consultant who spoke me through the surgery also suggested this, but I was too afraid to accept the referral. I’ll speak to her.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to help a stranger on the Internet. You are angels.