Can't bond with my younger children

[Pebstk]

My older son (19) became a nightmare teen - drugs, violence, anger, school refusal and expulsion, rows - horrific. He near enough destroyed me and our family. He stays with mum now and she is broken by his behaviour and we are in process of getting him somewhere to live. He is completely disfunctional and the little boy he was has been destroyed by years now of marajuana and other drug use which has impacted completely and uttlerly on his personality. My daughter (16) is not quite as bad but she has a lot of issues and a lot of teenage rebellion.

I feel totally broken - I do love them both but I feel so so ashamed and embarrassed and a total failure. I did lots and lots for them when they were children - games, stories, outings, beautiful holidays, parties, sports but I feel all my efforts were completely wasted and totally pointless - I feel I wasted my whole life on them,

I have two little ones (5 and 1). They are beautiful and precious little children but I struggle to be the parent they need. I am so broken and depressed about my older children I cannot parent the little ones the way I did the older two. I struggle to want to spend any time with them. I do love them - I want them to be cared for and looked after, (my husband mainly does this while I work and actively avoid too much time). I force myself do some small things (reading or playing) with them each day because I feel guilty but I do have to force myself. They are lovely children and anyone else would adore them- I am so sad and feel so worthless I cant be the parent they need but I just cant.

I have no idea what to do so I just work all the time.

Hi @Pebstk👋
I couldn't just read this and not comment. I don't have any experience with teen children (yet!) so I can't completely relate but I wondered if you had considered whether you have some kind of postnatal depression with your younger children being still so young so to speak. The feeling of not being able to/ wanting to bond can be a sign of it. It also sounds like it could just be a coping strategy because you're scared of history repeating itself which could be a form of PTSD.
I know its easy for me to say but you can't control how your children turn out, there are things that as parents we have no control over (who they hang out with, places they go, choices they make about life decisions etc) we can guide them but inevitably it's down to them. Please don't beat yourself up plus they're still "young" themselves this is not going to be their forever!
Have you thought about talking to your doc about how you're feeling or even your health visitor. Please don't lose precious time/memories with your children out of fear of something that may or may not happen in the future

I second that. Talk therapy and journaling even if it is angry. You need to let it out not hold in too it and heal

Thank-you so much for your comments. I do think I have some sort of PTSD and I will try to seek some support.

You need more emotional support. I know I’ve had cut. For mental trauma for a lot of abuse from family over forced marriage issue. But, anyway that’s a separate thing. I think you’re mentally capable it’s just ton’s of emotional trauma. Maybe your mum would benefit too?x.

Cbt*