Feel like PND is robbing me of the new born phase

[sadmummy29]

I have a beautiful new baby who is nearly 2 months old. I have been diagnosed with PND.

I feel like the new born phase is being taken away from me as I am not able to enjoy it. I don't cuddle my baby as much as I should and I know I will regret it but I am really struggling to connect with baby.

Does any one have any advice? The baby stage goes so fast and it's slipping away from me.

Hi sadmummy29,

We're sorry you're feeling so low.

We're just giving your thread a bump in case any Mumsnetters are around to give you some support.

In the meantime we thought we'd post some links to the support that's available to you. We'd urge you to take a look at an organisation called PANDAS Foundation which was set up to support families through PND & AND. Their webpage is here and they have a free helpline, available Monday – Sunday 11am-10pm - 0808 1961 776.

Here too is a link to the NHS webpages on postnatal depression.

We really hope things start getting easier for you soon.

I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling like this. I didn’t enjoy the newborn phase at all, and didn’t feel a proper connection with my baby til he was about 3 months old. I felt like I was just going through the motions before then, and it still took time after that to enjoy being a mother. I’m totally in love with him now and adore everything about him - the second and third years were way better than the first and I love being his mummy.

If you’re meeting your baby’s needs - picking him up to comfort him, feed him etc - you don’t need to worry that you “should” cuddle him more. If he’s happy being put down, that’s fine. I know it’s not as straightforward as me saying something and it changes how you feel, but sometimes it helps to hear truths from someone else: you don’t need to add guilt for having PND on top of the horrible feelings of PND - it wasn’t a choice you made to have it, and it doesn’t define you as a parent. And you don’t have to enjoy the newborn stage to enjoy the rest of being a parent after that.
On a practical note I wish I’d taken more videos especially of my son as a newborn than I did. I did take quite a lot of photos but I wish I had more footage of those fleeting smiles and funny noises.
Above all, be kind to yourself.

Thank you so much for responding. I am meeting all of his needs, he's thriving and is always fed and cuddled etc. he is very chilled so is always happy to be in his bouncer for a bit etc I suppose I feel like I should be doing more.

It's really comforting to know that you didn't enjoy the newborn phase as well, sometimes I feel like I'm the only one and when you've really wanted the baby and been excited the whole way through pregnancy it's hard when you don't feel that rush of love.

The perinatal mental health team have been in touch this week so feel like I'm taking steps to get better and I think talking things through with someone will help

Thanks again 😊

Sorry your feeling like this op. I had PND with my first, diagnosed when he was about 6 weeks old. It does get better, the newborn stage is hard and as pp said as long as you are meeting his needs you are doing a great job. I remember just feeling a bit numb and in a bit of a fog at first but once I started to feel better when he was a little older it was great. Just take one day at a time and look after yourself. It's so important to take sometime for yourself, that really helped me when I was struggling.

I had pnd. I don't have any feelings of regret about not cuddling her more when she was tiny as I found that so boring I can't imagine it would ever have felt good if that makes any sense.
I had resigned myself to feeling disconnected forever, even though I was doing everything to ensure she was so well looked after. Then one day a switch flipped and I just felt " Ah ok, I do love her after all!!" and it was an almost overnight change for me. DD was about 6 months old.
You are doing brilliantly, admitting it is so hard and I couldn't for a long time. I'm glad you are getting the support. Try not to compare what is happening with what you think should be happening - you are looking after him and it sounds like he is thriving. Be kind to yourself

Hi OP. Wanted to offer as much support as I can at this time. My baby is just over 3 months now and I too have been diagnosed with PND. Up til around 2 months I felt very much the same as you and the guilt was horrible. I don't know if this is helpful but in my experience, the bond with my baby has changed dramatically in the last month. She is now so giggly and smiley and shows how much she enjoys my company and it has helped me to really enjoy hers more as well. My PND affects how I feel in my capabilities moreso than our bond, now. But I totally get where you are at at the moment. Try to relish in those times when your baby is in the best mood, soak up the eye contact, smiles and smell their head and kiss their hands when you hold them! It will all help to build that bond between you, I promise. And try not to be so hard on yourself. It's easier said than done (I know) but we are really all just doing our very best. Feel free to message me if you want to talk any more xxx

@MrsG010814 thank you. I've been trying to set aside some time for myself even just to have a bath etc and it does make me feel better and a bit more like my old self. Sorry you went through the same and glad you started to feel better. Did you take medication or have any therapy or did things improve by themselves?

@Itonlytakesonetree thank you. That's good to know that the change can happen very quickly like switching on a switch. I have a toddler as well which I think makes it harder as the toddler has a huge personality, is funny and charming and then you look at the baby and they just don't give you much back at this stage.

Hi @Hanflower311

Sorry to hear you are also suffering with PND. That is really helpful and I can see how as times goes on the bond will grow. I've been trying to set aside some time to play each day and when he smiles I do get a nice warm feeling so am hoping the more he starts doing the easier things will get.

Are you having any treatment for the PND?

Xx

I had PNA and didn't realise until quite late, but I loathed the first 3 months, it got better from there, 6months+ and I'm completely obsessed.
Those early days are harrrrrd! Barely any sleep, everything revolving around this little life ❤️.
But be patient, give yourself time, the bond will come. You are doing a fab job! ❤️ and you've got this!!

Also I look back now and can see that certain things are phases, which are fleeting ❤️

If he's happy, he's fine. But, you need to be fine too.

Babies are quite dull. You need to be out doing things with other mums with babies. Even if it's just sitting in the park or a cafe. All of mine loved sitting in the park under a low tree and watching the leaves.

And don't feel afraid of putting on the TV and jingling something at your baby at the same time.

Their needs are very high but also low at that age: They need feeding, changing, a nice smiley face and a jiggle and a chat every so often.

Oh and stay off bloody instagram.

Oh you poor thing. I was there, I posted on here a lot (under a different user) at the time.

I just wanted to reassure you that DD is 18 months now and we have a lovely bond. She’s my little superstar and we make each other laugh all the time. She doesn’t seem scarred at all by the fact I was just going through the motions for the first few months.

Keep talking, you’ll get through this

@tiredmummy198

Hi *@Hanflower311*

Sorry to hear you are also suffering with PND. That is really helpful and I can see how as times goes on the bond will grow. I've been trying to set aside some time to play each day and when he smiles I do get a nice warm feeling so am hoping the more he starts doing the easier things will get.

Are you having any treatment for the PND?

Xx

Hi lovely. Aww that's good, I'm sure you will get there, it's not always an immediate all consuming thing and that's ok! Babies are bloody hard work. My partner described our baby is a houseplant the first few weeks who just needed a lot but gave very little back sounds a bit harsh but it's quite true! When they start being responsive little people it's much nicer. I'm trying not to wish her little babyhood away but I can't wait til she is talking and cuddling and kissing me back, I think that will be amazing.

I was prescribed citalopram just over a week ago and I have them just in case I change my mind but I'm trying not to need them, just trying to change my perspective and use coping mechanisms. I get really overwhelmed and anxious when I can't settle her to sleep for example. I now put my earphones in, listen to shivers by Ed Sheeran (he is her favourite!) and sway and sing along to her. It helps keep me calm and also helps soothe her as well. I also have referred myself to the local NHS well-being service and have a telephone appointment next week to start some CBT. If you have access to similar I would recommend referring in. Obviously I haven't used it yet but I have friends who really rate it.

Xxxx