PND (?) affecting me two years on

[Eloraa]

NC for this.

DS was born just before the first lockdown, and I found it very, very hard. He didn’t really sleep, DH didn’t really pull his weight, and by following the awful rules I was almost totally alone.

It was incredibly tough, but things are good now and DS (now nearly 2) is a total joy.

But I feel fixated on the bad times, I sometimes find myself sobbing about how horrific it was. I can only describe it as feeling utterly broken, facing total black horror.

I know that sounds melodramatic, especially two years on when things are good.

I don’t know if I had a touch of PND, or this was ‘just’ how bad lockdown with a newborn was.

Either way, and ideas of how I can stop fixating on it?

Slightly desperate bump

I'm sorry your feeling like this I also had a lock down baby and I know how challenging it was you definitley aren't melodramatic for feeling down about it.
Have you got someone to talk to? Maybe talk to your Hv or GP? I think I suffered for around the first 3 months with PND with my dc though never diagnosed looking back I think it was. I really hope you feel better soon and someone has some better advice

Sounds like it! PTSD is also possible, especially if delivery was challenging. But regardless, having a baby in a lockdown without a support system would actually have driven me over the edge (I did have PND, I wish I had done something about it at the time).

Speak to your GP - seems like accessing some counselling would be a good start. If you have an employee assistance programme through work that might also be a good way to start.

I'm also due my 2nd baby this week and looking back at my first few months with my DC1 I think I've accepted that it's hard and tiring and sometimes draining but the outcome is a little ray of sunshine and your there entire world. So the good outweighs the bad even if it doesn't always feel like.

Hi op, I'm a cbt therapist and we would diagnose pnd up until 24 months after birth so sounds like it could still be that. I'd talk to your gp or health visitors about being referred for therapy on the nhs, I think it'll really help you 😁 good luck xx

I wasn't a FTM but what you said about black horror during lockdown really resonates. People shouldn't be expected to raise small children with no support.

It sounds like you need some help to process what you went through during this period.

I’m sorry you are feeling like this. I experienced similar after the birth of my second. He was born well before the lockdown in 2017, but he had a complex health condition that wasn’t picked up antenatally. He had to have surgery and was in NICU for a month, it was such a shock. He was rushed to another hospital and I had to say goodbye in case he didn’t survive the journey (he did and is doing well now).

I still struggle every year on his birthday as I don’t have many happy memories of the beginning of his life. None of it was what I had expected or prepared for, and it seems like that is the same for you, although in a different way.

It has gotten easier with time for me. I’m more accepting of what happened rather than feeling angry still.

Thank you, all.

It really isn’t something I want to bother the GP with, it’s definitely sadness (now) rather than anything more sinister. And my HV is dreadful.

But I didn’t think of Employee Assistance Programmes! I have that, so thank you PP for reminding me of it.