I am not sure why I am posting or what I am hoping to get from this but here it goes.
I am 9 weeks post partum and I just feel so crap. I’ve put on so much weight over pregnancy and even since giving birth as have been breast feeding and am just so hungry all the time. I had hoped to lose weight but it just hasn’t happened. Some of our family took pics of me, my fiancé and our daughter in front of the tree today and I looked terrible, even when I had made the effort. It sounds absolutely pathetic but it’s ruined my day. And then I feel like a bad mum cause I think why can’t I just suck it up and try to enjoy Xmas for my daughter.
My partner bought me a coat for Xmas, it’s quite a daring style, I pretty much started crying when I tried it on as I looked so terrible. Then I felt guilty for being such an ungrateful person and if I think I am being a bad mother, I think I am being a bad fiancé/wife x10. I am so emotional, moody, and difficult. I can’t imagine how miserable I am to be around. My partner is not the most emotional of people and is very strong, he says everything’s ok and says he knows it’s cause of lack of sleep and hormones. But I don’t know if I believe him.
After 9 weeks everything is getting on top of me now. I do all the nights as breast feeding, she does take a bottle from me or her Dad. He’s doing a bit more over the Xmas break but normally he works from very early to very late as has his own business which is very demanding, sometimes in London, sometimes from home but on calls back to back all day. He pays all the bills including mortgage, car, food, and sorts out everything in terms of admin, plus cooks the evening meal most days / roast on Sunday. He’s made it clear that looking after the baby is my job during the week, and he’ll do as much as he can when he can. But it’s so hard. I do get a bit of help from a local lady a couple of times a week for a couple of hours when he’s in London, but often it might be me holding the baby for 12 hours straight. She doesn’t sleep during the day apart from on me. She’ll go down the cot for a couple of hours and the rest of the time she’ll be sharing the bed with me doing cuddle curl, which really hurts my back.
I’m physically broken, I have quite bad piles, a bad knee, just recovering from a month long chest infection that would not shift, have a rash over my back, and feel like I have another virus coming on now. And am really fat and have terrible stretch marks. Mentally I think I am just not fun to be with, and am quite sad from losing a good friend of mine to suicide recently. I have quite a lot of trauma around my own family and lots of stuff with a new baby is a bit triggering. This Christmas we have my fiancées family to stay, and it’s just quite full on, they wanted to go out for a Xmas walk today (in the rain) and I wasn’t feeling it cause baby was hungry, I felt ill, had no sleep and it’s hard enough leaving the house, it’s only worth it for something good. Anyway I managed to drag myself out with them but prob ruined it by being grumpy.
I really wanted baby’s first Xmas to be good but I think I’ve ruined it.