Breastfeeding guilt

[Mimba1]

DS was boorn 50th centile for both height and weight and I exclusively breastfed him for 6 weeks after he was born apart from 2 bottles of formula I was told to give him in hospital (we were there a week after he was born due to sepsis). In that time he fed and cried constantly 24/7 and was regularly latched 16-20 hours a day. My whole family kept telling me to give him formula because he was hungry and I stuck to my guns explaining about supply and cluster feeding and that bf was for comfort as well as milk while I slowly lost my mind from lack of sleep. Eventually he was measured and he'd grown to 91st centile for height but dropped to 9th centile for weight. My family were right - I'd been starving my poor little baby out of some misguided notion that breastfeeding was always best and I just had to push through the pain. They could see what was happening but I couldn't.

No one has been able to explain why I couldn't feed my son.

We started giving him a bit of formula and almost overnight he became such a lovely baby. He slept well, he smiled all the time and was so interested in the world around him.

That was 7 months ago and he is thriving (on formula and some pumped milk) but I can't let go of the guilt. I still have sleepless nights worrying that underfeeding him has caused brain damage and thinking that I'm the worst mum in the world for not having realised that the only reason my baby was crying all the time was because he was so hungry all the time when it was so obvious to others. I don't trust my judgement anymore.

What can I do to let go of this?

This breaks my heart reading this.

You did amazing and you should feel proud you fed him for so long. Not guilty. You gave him so much goodness and love - all things needed for brain development.

If your baby still had wet nappies, growing in height etc I honestly don’t think he would have had any brain damage, I think dehydration is more of an issue for brain damage and your baby would of been extremely poorly. But do speak to GP / health visitor if you’re really worried.

Iron is a big thing for helping brain development so now he is on solids maybe make sure he has plenty of foods high in iron?

Can I ask about the support you received? Did anyone suggest a lactation consultant / how to increase your milk supply / tongue ties / latching / hormonal conditions? Personally I don’t feel like there is anywhere near enough support. Less than 1% of mums stop breastfeeding by 6 months and quite often not through choice.

Hi OP, I have a similar story with my DS.

I wanted to breastfeed so very much and just thought if I was determined enough it would work. DS was so fractious and dropped a centile and I was instructed by midwives to give formula top ups. Literally as soon as he had formula he was like a different baby - content, good sleeper and he thrived.

He's 19 months now, but I still feel simultaneously dreadful that I gave formula at all and that I didn't give it sooner, which I know makes no sense but is how I feel.

I don't have a solution, but please know you're not alone.

As mums, we can only do what we think is best at the time, based on what we know at the time.

@LincolnshireLassInLondon that's exactly it - I wanted it to work so much and tried sooo hard but still feel like I did something wrong that meant he didn't feed properly. And at the same time wish I'd given up sooner. Not sure how to reconcile those feelings.

@BumbleBeeBumbum we had support from the infant feeding team and extra help from midwives and nurses - they were really worried about his weight and my mental health (that much lack of sleep really affected me - sure I'm not the only one). We were referred for a tongue tie but at the hospital the Dr said there wasn't one. So still a mystery.

Oh god op, similar here. DD dropped down to 0.2 centile . She was small overall so probably similar levels of skinnyness to yours and I couldn't see it. I feel guilty for not giving her formula, for giving her formula, and for obsessing over feeding do much that I didn't really bond with her and completely forgot about wake windows etc. So worried about having damaged her DD is 16 months now and I'm only just beginning to address it (counseling lined up). My only advice would be to address it sooner rather than later - if you've under a year PP then I think you get priority with MH services. Is suggest speaking to your GP.

Hi OP, I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this. From what you’ve written it seems like you’re done your absolute best- you tried and tried to breastfeed because you’d been told it was best for baby and as soon as his measurements showed he needed more you gave him formula.

I think it’s unfair on yourself to say everyone else knew what was happening. It seems to me that they were really worried about you getting no rest and how fussy baby was, so we’re trying to suggest things to help. You were all finding your way. It’s bloody hard.

If it helps to know, I had one child that couldn’t gain weight through breastfeeding. It was a nightmare - going to hospital, seeing consultants/dietitians etc. I became absolutely obsessed and it really made me quite ill. My second child years later was also breastfed and was gigantic! It made no sense. Sometimes things just don’t make any sense at all.

My first is now much older, doing well at school and eats well. It’s not something I think about anymore. I suppose what I’m trying to say is it’s clear you’ve done your absolute best and how he was fed as a baby really won’t be important when he’s older and refusing to eat anything except burgers and sweets

Are you ok? I mean really, how are you doing? I absolutely tormented myself about this and it really did my head in. Maybe if this is something that is preoccuping your thoughts too much, it might be good to speak to the health visitor/GP.

I really wish you the best. You’ve got this

@BouncyMonk @ColdShouldersWarmTummy thanks for your messages and sorry you had to struggle as well. I am getting support thanks - it just sometimes feels like I'll never be able to move on. I look at DS and I'm looking for signs there's something wrong with him when I should just be enjoying spending time with him. The mental health nurse told me that loads of their referrals are due to breastfeeding issues - it's so sad. I'm not anti-breastfeeding at all but the pressure put on us to feed and the shame when you can't are pretty tough. Everyone seems to think you just weren't committed enough when nothing could be further from the truth - I was waking myself up to pump while my baby was sleeping and still had to feed him when he woke up for weeks! DS had sepsis, prolonged jaundice and then anemia. I'm pretty sure it was because he was malnourished and that's my fault.

My first experience of breastfeeding has left me scarred. I felt all the emotions that you’re feeling. My dd is older now and it’s not something I think about so much now that we’ve left the milk part of her life behind.

You’ve done your best and that’s all you can do. You will move on. Enjoy your little one, they grow so quickly.

Wow it sounds like you have it everything and I am not sure how much more you could give.

What I would love is for some professionals to come out and say that actually sometimes it just doesn't work and formula is best in these cases. It doesn't work and it's not the mums fault as she wasn't lazy.

I desperately wants to breastfeed my babies and it didn't work out. First time I was consumed with guilt and thought my partner would despise me for not being able.

Second baby we tried again and this baby latched well and it seemed to be going well but no milk by day 6, hungry unsettled baby and recovering from c-section - I just couldn't keep going. I felt about a week of guilt this time before drawing a line and rejoicing in the fact that the bottle fed newborn was sleeping 4/5 hour stretches (vs 50 min on boob, 20 min sleep cycles....

Lastly a great piece of advice I got from a hv - if your baby is happy and smiling their probably isn't a lot wrong. Passed on when I was stressing at first baby's low appetite.

I would say time is the greatest healer. I felt the same and thought I would feel the same forever. Now DS is a bit older and those first 6 months are more hazy, he met all of his milestones and is healthy- I don't think about it now. Formula was great for us in the end, but I do think it's important to acknowledge how you feel, and anecdotally lots of my friends have felt the same, so I don't think it's probably that unusual. I'd say talk to someone, be kind to yourself and hopefully a light at the end of the tunnel will emerge soon.

Hi OP, I just wanted to say that I totally empathise with where you're coming from.

I breastfed my baby daughter for the first month but had to transition onto formula as both MW and HV said she was not gaining weight as she should've been. She's 10 weeks old now and mainly formula fed. She's thriving and such a happy baby. I am in the process of trying to relactate so I can hopefully at least combi feed her but still have it in the back of my mind how terrified I feel that I still might not be able to give her as much as she needs, so will continue to use formula.

I have never gotten over the guilt of not being able to EBF as it was something I had my heart set on. It's a real struggle when I see a woman BFing in public and wishing it was me feeding my baby like that with such ease. Luckily I have a brilliant bond with my baby but the guilt is still very much there.

I just wanted to explain that I understand and you are not alone x

And just to add, formula is not poison and shouldn't be thought of as such. Having a healthy and happy baby is all that matters. However I do understand it is hard to move past that guilt re breastfeeding. Even though having a healthy and fed baby, regardless of feeding method is something to be very grateful for (this thought helps me when I'm struggling, hope it gives you so comfort too).