Crippling PND/PNA - Is there hope for me?

[Firstttimemum2021]

I write this as tears stream down my face whilst I hold my 8 week old daughter. I wished and prayed for the day id have a baby, when I found out I was pregnant it was the happiest day of my life and being pregnant was sheer bliss. But since DD was around 5 days old I have slowly defended into a pit of darkness and regret. Having a baby is absolutely nothing like I imagined, I can't believe how ignorant I was walking into this.

I am SO tired my legs barely move to keep my body going, DD suffers with terrible colic (prescribed gaviscon and tried every remedy possible) and cries day and night. At the start her cries made my heart ache but now they just fill me with rage, I have to put her down in her cot numerous times a day and walk away for a few moments because the rage and frustration I feel is overwhelming.

I miss my old life, all I do is fantasise about seeing my friends and going out dancing and being free. I miss being able to shower when I want and eat a full meal and do my hair and makeup.

People ask me "isn't being a mother absolutely amazing, the love you feel is indescribable" and I just nod and agree but deep down I don't really have that bond with my daughter. It seems like I can't make her happy or take the pain away shes feeling and it's making me feel utterly useless.

I am barely scraping by every day I just sob and sob. Will this ever get better? Am I going to hate my life forever? I feel like such a terrible person for feeling like this, I don't know how much longer I want to live if this is what life is like.

Please help me :'(

Side note I am on antidepressants, I have been since 10 days PP but they don't seem to be doing a great deal.

Im assuming this is your first child? Its a huge change in your life and i think most people have no idea how hard having a baby is until they have one. Being sleep deprived doesnt help and its torture. The one thing that stood out to me was you mentioned that your baby screams and is on gaviscon. My baby (10 weeks) screamed for the first 8 weeks, it was awful and gaviscon wasnt working. It turned out he had a cows milk protein allergy. Hes now on different milk and is a total different baby. Im not saying your one has that but if the gaviscon is not working, I would ask your doctor for some omeprazole which is much better for acid reflux.

Things will get better, honestly it does. Do you have any family or friends that can give you a break?

Big hugs
You are genuinely doing an amazing job. You've obviously spoken to your GP and have some medication, keep taking it, it will help. Colicky babies are such hard work and you again are doing exactly the right thing in taking a breather when it gets too much.
I promise it will get better. The first 3 months of a new baby can be utterly brutal (look up the 4th trimester) you're still healing and adjusting, plus working incredibly hard on very little sleep.
Believe me, you are far from alone, many women struggle with babies.
Take any help offered, don't try and do it all. Hang in there!

Are you doing counselling alongside the medication? I was told a combination of both works best.

@Sorryichangedmyusername

Im assuming this is your first child? Its a huge change in your life and i think most people have no idea how hard having a baby is until they have one. Being sleep deprived doesnt help and its torture. The one thing that stood out to me was you mentioned that your baby screams and is on gaviscon. My baby (10 weeks) screamed for the first 8 weeks, it was awful and gaviscon wasnt working. It turned out he had a cows milk protein allergy. Hes now on different milk and is a total different baby. Im not saying your one has that but if the gaviscon is not working, I would ask your doctor for some omeprazole which is much better for acid reflux.

That's a good shout, I'm seeing the health visitor again on Thursday due to my mental health so might mention it then and see if she can help put a word across to the docs x

@Sorryichangedmyusername

Things will get better, honestly it does. Do you have any family or friends that can give you a break?

I have my mum but I get severe anxiety when I'm away from DD that I can't sleep anyway! My partner is no help at all but that's a hole other can of worms x

@Beamur

Big hugs You are genuinely doing an amazing job. You've obviously spoken to your GP and have some medication, keep taking it, it will help. Colicky babies are such hard work and you again are doing exactly the right thing in taking a breather when it gets too much. I promise it will get better. The first 3 months of a new baby can be utterly brutal (look up the 4th trimester) you're still healing and adjusting, plus working incredibly hard on very little sleep. Believe me, you are far from alone, many women struggle with babies. Take any help offered, don't try and do it all. Hang in there!

Thank you for your kind words xxx

@alindkwn

Are you doing counselling alongside the medication? I was told a combination of both works best.

There's a 6 month waiting list for counselling unfortunately and I can't afford to go private x

It will pass. I had a dreadful time with dc2 and it seems like a bad dream now, looking back.
It would have been over a lot quicker had I been reassured that it WOULD pass, that it wasn’t /isn’t my fault so please hear that.
Tell the HV that the ad’s aren’t helping and you need to try another-Setraline didn’t do anything for me but switching to venlafaxine did- and press for any help you can get, like a referral to perinatal mental health support who may offer groups where you and dd can go together.

It's absolutely fine and perfectly normal to want to be with your baby, it's best for them too. Help with the practicalities of life are great - cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc. Maybe your Mum could help with that? My Mum basically did all my ironing for about 7 years! Plus hoovered and dusted once a week. That was such a help.

It takes time but it won't last forever. It took me around seven months to accept dc1 was mine and to start to bond with him. Is there a local Home Start near you? You can self refer and the support they offer is varied. Plus having someone to offload to who isn't your mum/a friend can be invaluable.

By the sound of it, you both need a medicine review as neither seems to be working atm. Lack of sleep is horrendous and definitely contributed to my postnatal issues.

Do you have any friends with young children? As hard as it was, going to baby groups and meeting other mums who were also struggling saved me. It made me see that I wasn't a failure/the only one who couldn't cope. Plus I made some amazing friends who with time I did trust with my dc. Also have you tried a sling? Dc1 was colicky and wearing him seemed to help.

Be kind to yourself. I don't know anyone who sailed into motherhood without almost sinking a few times.

It takes time. I had horrific PNA after DS. I cried pretty much none stop for about 4 months. Took a long while to heal from it but I have done and when I look back, I can’t quite believe how I felt. It consumed me completely. Being a mama is the hardest job. The first three- four months are the hardest. I found in this time I forgot I was still healing from birth, was getting to know my baby and I also mourned my old life. It is completely life changing welcoming a baby. It sounds like your are doing amazing though so know that, the fact you have already on something means you haven’t kept quiet. You can do this I promise. Speak to your health visitor as they should be able to offer some more help. Also know it is normal to find motherhood hard, we all do. Xx

It gets better. My user name is reference to my post natal days. Please keep asking for support. Take it hour by hour. Get outside everyday even if it's for ten mins. No matter how cold. Give your self small daily tasks like shower and wear clean clothes. These will make you feel better.

It's ok to cry. Keep talking. Keep posting here.

If your partner is shit I’d honestly consider asking him to move out. He’s got two options - support you properly, or fuck off. It makes things 10 times worse when you’re also dealing with the resentment that there is another adult in the house who could be helpful but won’t. You sound like you desperately need some sleep as well, for me this was directly linked to how angry I felt. You could maybe ask your mum to come and look after the baby downstairs while you sleep? Then you’re not really away from the baby but you are getting a rest. Definitely look at CMPA and/or lactose intolerance, mine was like a different baby after a change of formula all the inconsolable screaming stopped.

Please hold on. It really does get better. You will feel like yourself and have fun again.

Others have given good advice above, all I will say is take one day at a time. 8w is still incredibly early.

It is OK and necessary to cry. Keep posting here, we are here for you.

@Firstttimemum2021 I'm going through PND right now, I feel like I'm not being perfect , I feel like a loser, I have social anxiety and felt agoraphobic to go outside to an appointment but my doctor referred me to perinatal help, I think that is what they are called. I still am waiting to hear back from them. Have you spoken to your health visitor? Or spoken to your doctor? They can refer you to these services. I was in denial about my PND for four months, but now I cannot hide my PND, I tell people around me I am struggling, I am depressed, I do feel anxious. I don't just bottle it in inside anymore. You would be surprised that people are willing to help out, there are good people out there. I have anxiety and depression for other reasons too but I also have this PND which I did not expect was going to happen as well.