DH struggling

[PurBal]

DS is 3 months. DH told me when he was born that he felt nothing towards him. The HV reassured us that it would come. It’s no better. DH says he hates his life and wants to turn his back on it all. He says he misses the old me. His sex drive is at rock bottom.

He says DS is being unreasonable when he grizzles sometimes referring to him as a dick or a bastard. He occasionally shouts at him to “shit the fuck up” (this language is out of character). DS is 3 months old, he cries sometimes ffs. I told DH it wasn’t DS fault and that he’s just trying to communicate and DH said “I know it’s not his fault, it’s my fault for having him”.

The HV is worried. To the point of asking if DH is violent, he’s not. I’ve asked him to contact the GP but he’s too proud and stubborn. I’ve told him I can’t carry him and look after our son.

I’m exhausted. I’m treading on eggshells and I’m miserable. I don’t know if I’m getting Jekyll or Hyde from one day to the next.

I’m trying to be supportive but DH just thinks DS is shit and that his feelings are normal. He knows he’s depressed but he can’t process it all together.

I’m at a loss. For better for worse in sickness and health is feeling hard right now. I can’t help him if he won’t help himself.

Please be gentle. I don’t know what to do to make this better. It’s so obviously postnatal depression from where I’m standing from. I can’t issue and ultimatum or leave someone who is unwell. But I am finding it impossible. So as not to drip feed DH lost his dad about 5 years ago.

It's not normal, and if he is refusing to seek help and accept help i'd be making moves to leave

I think regardless of whether this is some sort of mental health issue or not you and your son need to remove yourself from this situation as your dh sounds horrible and unstable.

I can’t issue and ultimatum or leave someone who is unwell.

You can. Because it’s not about punishing DH, it’s about getting your baby son away from someone who shouts at him and makes it clear he dislikes him.

If you leaving for a while makes DH face up to this being a problem and means he gets some help, then good, but you can’t do it for him.

Sorry it’s such a tough situation for you. I think sadly he does need tough love, if it was just the two of you fair enough but if he is displaying uncontrollable feelings towards a tiny baby you can’t 100% rely on its actions. Your HV will be concerned because sadly parents in crisis can snap and shake or hurt a baby.

You would never forgive yourself if anything happened. If you were one having these feelings and you got better you wouldn’t then feel badly of him for taking care of the baby would you? You would be beside yourself once well that there was any risk at all. He can’t see that risk or a way out at the moment. What does your HV advise?

Your dh needs to seek help or leave.

There are many men who are "too proud" to see a GP but not "too proud" to take out their mental health issues on their family.

There may well be therapies that can help him so he has options but you continuing to live like this shouldn't be one of them.

Your son has to come first, your his mum and he needs protecting from your DH. He needs to leave and seek treatment, this is not normal behaviour and is no way acceptable, and I would not take risks with my child, no matter how much your convinced he's not violent.

You need to protect the little vulnerable baby who knows no better and clearly only has you to rely on. Your DH may be mentally unwell but you need to prioritise your son. Do you have somewhere else you could stay?

He's jelous of your child.

There is no other reason why he would refer to an innocent 3 month old in such a vulgar way.

If someone called my baby names and had this terrible attitude towards them, they'd be out in the street picking up their teeth. Get rid before he hurts your baby.

I seriously hope you never leave them alone together op..

Can men really get postnatal depression? Like, sure he might be depressed because his life has changed, but postnatal depression is much more than that and involves women’s bodies too. I feel like calling it postnatal depression is letting him off too easily for some really nasty behaviour. Regardless if he’s depressed or not, he knows what he’s saying and the way he’s acting aren’t okay.

Personally, I think I would have to put my son first and leave (or make him leave) even just temporarily until he gets some help. I wouldn’t want my child around this, it’s not their fault snd babies aren’t like a cat or a hamster that just lives alongside the family.... he will have more awareness of his fathers hostility than you think.

I think you’ve got to put your child first here. Your husband needs to get help but in the meantime you need to keep your son safe. I’d worry that he’s on the verge of becoming violent tbh.

Agree that you & your baby are not safe.

Mental illness and particularly post natal depression are awful things.

It's not all or nothing, you can remove yourself and baby from the immediate situation without abandoning your husband or family.

You need to stay elsewhere & he needs to seek help urgently.

Can he go to stay with family or a friend while he gets help? You can & should tell him to seek help or remove himself.

I'm sorry you're in this situation & I hope things get better for you. You sound like an excellent mother and wife in extremely difficult circumstances.

It's not postnatal depression it's reactive depression following a significant life event.
He needs to go, frankly. His attitude towards the baby is harmful at best, dangerous at worst. He has a part to play here and if he can't acknowledge his issues and get help he's going to harm your baby.
He has to go and live elsewhere until he's ready to get help.

It would be interesting to know:
What does he suggest you (as a couple) do to sort this?
He doesn't have a time machine so can't turn back the clock so what does he plan to do?
It would be interesting to see what he thinks.. Where his head is at...

I am concerned for your DS safety. Your child is helpless and must be your priority. Do you have family help.. His mum? Your parents? Siblings? You need help.
Ring your GP.. Explain... Tell them HV is concerned.. They can talk...
This can not go on.

Listen to the HV
My experience is that it’s unusual for them to be worried. If they are, then they can see red flags you don’t see.

As fir thé ‘in health and sickness’, yes I did agree to that too.
What that doesn’t include us accepting to support him no matter what, including if this makes you ill or puts your baby at risk.
Atm all your energy should be directed towards your baby. Because it’s still tupi you and needs you to be fully present.

I think you need a chat with your DP. He goes to see the gp or he leaves. There are some improvements within x weeks or he leaves. Fir his, your and the baby’s sake.
By leave, I dint mean divorce/packing your bags but living separately until he has regained his footing. By that time, you might be happy to start living together or you might not. But this would be another store later on to be evaluated and decided upon then. Nit now.

@Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel

If someone called my baby names and had this terrible attitude towards them, they'd be out in the street picking up their teeth. Get rid before he hurts your baby.

Exactly this. I couldn't bear to be around anyone who was cruel about or to my baby.

@TrampolineForMrKite

Can men really get postnatal depression? Like, sure he might be depressed because his life has changed, but postnatal depression is much more than that and involves women’s bodies too. I feel like calling it postnatal depression is letting him off too easily for some really nasty behaviour. Regardless if he’s depressed or not, he knows what he’s saying and the way he’s acting aren’t okay.

Personally, I think I would have to put my son first and leave (or make him leave) even just temporarily until he gets some help. I wouldn’t want my child around this, it’s not their fault snd babies aren’t like a cat or a hamster that just lives alongside the family.... he will have more awareness of his fathers hostility than you think.

I think you’ve got to put your child first here. Your husband needs to get help but in the meantime you need to keep your son safe. I’d worry that he’s on the verge of becoming violent tbh.

I absolutely agree with all of this and also happytoday73's comments.

I hope everything is okay OP.

This must be enormously stressful for you. Do you get an opportunity for respite? Is there anyone trustworthy that could care for DS while you are able to take time for yourself?

Sorry you're going through such a hard time OP. Postnatal depression is very common and is so difficult to get through as I had this briefly whilst having my first child in May.

Whilst it's not uncommon to not always have a connection or feel anything for your child straight away, it isn't okay to act in this way.
Calling a 3 month old horribe names or shouting at a baby to 'shut the fuck up' really isn't okay.

Parents are often encouraged that if/when they're having a tough time, they should put the baby down somewhere safe (on a playmat/in the cot,) go into another room and scream into a pillow if they feel this well help. I've done this quite a few times followed on by a long cry as I've felt utterly exhausted. However I think the most important thing is recognising your feelings and acting on it or getting help.

Having a child is hard and definitely shifts the coure of your life but your DH really needs to try and work on this. Please encourage him to contact his GP or carry on confiding to your HV so they may be able to provide him with some help. As a PP mentioned, it can get to a point where a parent can shake/hurt a baby.

If your DH is using such vile language to refer to your DC in front of you, how would he act if it was just the two of them together? Please put your child first and make sure they're out of harms way. If your husband isn't willing to get help then you should consider leaving as this doesn't sound like a healthy environment for your DC at all

Can you leave and go and stay with your parents or a friend? Your DH's behaviour sounds awful, for you and your son. to you, sounds incredibly tough

He says DS is being unreasonable when he grizzles sometimes referring to him as a dick or a bastard. He occasionally shouts at him to “shit the fuck up” (this language is out of character).

All of this should be a complete dealbreaker. He should be out of the home and away from your baby. Anyone who thinks this way and says these horrible things is dangerous.

He's jelous of your child. There is no other reason why he would refer to an innocent 3 month old in such a vulgar way.

I think it is unwise to say the reason for the mans actions are X. None of us can guess what is going on inside his head.

It sounds like he really does need help to work out what is going on and it might be wise if OP can move out for a while or get him to move out.

Now I appreciate this might be a difficult question but it is one that probably needs asking. You mention DH says he hates his life and wants to go back so did DH really want this child in the first place? If the answer is not then it might not be something other than a case of postnatal depression.

You NEED to be doing what is in best interest and right by your son. And that is by protecting him. You have recognised your partner isnt acting the same, his behaviour at the moment isnt usually in his nature. That means he is unstable. I'd be worried op that if you are seen to be doing nothing in terms of putting g your son first that the hv may start to question you.

You need to be thinking of your son and yourself. You cant help someone that doesnt want to be helped. But you can protect that helpless son of yours.

I would tell your partner that until he recognises his mentality and gets the appropriate help that you will both not be around him.

Unstable people = unpredictable people

You wont want to think the worst of him op but if he is already verbally abusing at DEFENLESS 3 MONTH OLD ( and yes it is verbal abuse because you wouldnt accept your partner talking to you in that way so neither should your baby) just because he doesnt understand what daddy is saying doesnt make it any better. Than who is to say one day he wont lash out, out of frustration. Sorry op but you just dont know right now. As a mother your son is your responsibility, not your partners mental health.

Who knows, maybe you leaving for a while will be the thing he needs to get a kick up the ass and register that is not okay anymore. Either way you cant stay complacent and enable this any longer.

Do not leave your baby alone with him. Sorry op if that sounds harsh but your DH needs help and needs to take responsibility for accepting this help. I would be asking him to leave (or I would leave) if I was in your situation.

Are you OK, OP?