I'm the world's worse mum

[MakunaHatata]

I've never posted on here but I don't know where else to turn and hoping someone can give me advice or reassurance, sorry in advance for the long post/ rant

I'm a FTM to the most beautiful little girl in the whole world, she is now 15 weeks old, and I couldn't love her more if I tried..

However, my partner basically doesn't help me out with her ever, he's obsessed with his gaming computer and will think nothing of coming in from work when he hasn't seen her all day and plonking himself down in front of it with barely an acknowledgement and then he will sit on there the whole night and I'm left to deal with her 24/7 by myself it feels. She is generally a great little baby, she sleeps well most of the time and I can't usually fault her. However, there are times when she just won't sleep or wakes up in the night for a feed but then thinks its party time.... I realise she is a very young baby and this is normal , but sometimes I find myself losing patience with her and the fact she won't sleep. And I feel disgusted and ashamed to admit there has been a few occasions where I've lost my patience and handled her a little too rough, picked her up a little roughly or place her down a little harder than I should or normally ever would 😔 I am so ashamed to even admit this on here, she is my precious baby girl and I would never hurt her but sometimes I just get annoyed and I can't seem to stop myself getting angry with her, I know I don't deserve to be her mummy but I'm hoping someone can please help me and point me in the right direction of what to do, and anyone who judges me for this, don't worry because no one can judge me harder than I judge myself for being this way.... Thankyou anyway if you've made it this far

I should also add my partner doesn't help with night feeds, for nearly 4 months solid it's been me doing everything day and night, he doesn't bath her, barely ever feeds her, he's never done her bedtime routine. I've not had a full night sleep since the night before she was born, even when I had an emergency c section it was me doing everything for her from day one, I literally might as well be a single parent ✌️

My first advice would be get to the GP as you may have PND and medication may help with your feelings of irritation.

If you find yourself losing it, put her down as gently as possible somewhere safe and leave the room - it's ok for her to cry for a short period if you need a few minutes to calm down and the alternative is being angry with her.

A new born with no support Is just the worst so I don't blame you or judge you at all.

First, are you cosleeping? If not, and you feel confident you can do it safely (please research) turf partner out of the bed and cosleep. You may find you get a lot more sleep this way and it may be a good start.

If your partner is not going to change (is he a lost cause? Have you discussed it?) then you need to find another support system. Do you have friends or family close by? Anyone that you trust that can hold her for a while while you sleep? Are there mums groups near you if not? Any charities or other support systems? Are you taking every chance to nap when she naps in the day? No housework, cleaning etc, just take every opportunity to sleep. Does she have a swing or anything you can pop her in for 20 mins twice a day for example and get s small break? You'll need to sit down with a paper and pen and work out some options to get some rest. I'm so sorry and I hope things start to get better soon.