Could I be suffering from PND?

[T33MVY]

My son has never been the easiest baby since he was born. Since he was around 2 weeks old he suffered from reflux and cried almost all the time. My husband and I have always found him tiring (despite people telling us he is so laid back and a great baby).

I found those first few months horrendous and spoke to my HV about my feelings. I did two PND assessments and scored low on both. The HV put my feelings down to lack of sleep.

Fast forward a few months (my son is now nearly 11 months) and yes things have got a lot lot better however I still can't shake the feeling that somethings not quite right.

I've never felt it's been bad enough to speak to my GP or contact the HV again (to be honest I feel like she thinks I'm a pain) but I don't know if I should.

Most days I count down the hours till nap/bedtime. I feel like my son is just on the go all the time which I know is completely normal but I have no energy or patience for it. I feel like my days are spent battling him to either get him fed, get a nappy on, keeping him away from things in the house he shouldn't be touching etc.

I take my son to lots of classes and play dates but to be honest this is more for me to get out and also have some sort it goal or structure to my day.

I find it hard to engage with my son and when I do I feel like most of the time he isn't interested anyway. He just climbs over me and is more interested in taking my phone or the remote for 2 minutes of entertainment.

When he sees my husband or my parents his face lights up and he gets really excited but I don't ever get that. I don't blame him to be honest. They love spending time with him play with him but I feel like I don't have the energy or desire to do this.

I look at other people with this children and babies and think they must love them so much more than I do. Don't get my wrong I love my son and wouldn't want anything to happen to him. He is more than well cared for and probably a little spoiled!

I just wish a could be a better mum and the mum I thought I'd be before reality hit. I just don't want my feelings or behaviour to impact my son and his development. I worry that because maybe I don't speak to him enough or play enough this will affect him progressing.

I genuinely feel like motherhood wasn't meant for me. I find the whole thing tedious and it's like Groundhog Day.

Sorry if I sound like an awful human!

You don't sound like an awful human.

I can relate to what you're saying. My DS is 4 soon and when I look back on the baby days I feel sad as I didn't enjoy them at all - it was just gruelling and the lack of sleep made me miserable.

However - things are a lot more enjoyable now - DS is so much fun and I really enjoy his company! So what I'm really wanting to say is, don't beat yourself up and I'm sure things will get better with time

I think from what you've posted it does sound like it could be a possibility. I've had 2 bouts of depression since having DC and both times I've found that I don't want to interact with them and am counting down the hours until they go to bed.

Both times I've sought support abs have been back to my usual self pretty quickly.

Have you heard of the PANDAS Foundation? Their helpline opens at 11am, it might be worth giving them a call

I can relate to a lot of what you have posted - without over simplifying - do you ever get much time to yourself? I found this very tough. I used to count down to nap or sleep time so I could have a break.

I found the baby stage very hard and just felt I was very good at the baby playing. And actually once they get to toddler stage the playing and activities gets easier - ie sit at a table with play dough, build train tracks.

Also I think with baby getting excited for dad/grand parents - I have two theories - they love to see someone new and those people swoop in and do focused play for a finite period and then are gone. You will be doing caring and play all day long. So it is different so don't beat yourself up.

So sorry not answering the question about depression but a lot of what you wrote feels normal to me.

Sorry meant I wasn't good at baby play

Are you going back to work ?
Sounds like you need to put him in nursery and have some adult time where you are you again. I’m sure you’ll find that you appreciate your time with him more then 💐

Are you going back to work ?Sounds like you need to put him in nursery and have some adult time where you are you again. I’m sure you’ll find that you appreciate your time with him more then

If you did go back to work full time, you wouldn't be the first to go back early and you won't be the last. I know a few Mums who went back to work full time because they hated the baby stage.

Could it be anaemia? I was anaemic for months after my first and felt dreadful.

Are you still on maternity leave? I thought I hated work but was itching to get back after a year!

I'm quite an introverted person and find the company of having a toddler quite full on - sometimes I have to remind myself not to sit and look at my phone while he plays around me and to interact with him more. I definitely look forward to naps and will make sure they never fall on a car / pram journey etc as I want to make the most of that time alone.

I wouldn't rule out that it is depression so I think it's definitely worth talking to a professional. But I also think it's normal to be knackered / processing a huge life change of becoming a parent / not enjoying this particular phase of them and to feel ok about it.

@welshladywhois40

Yeah I do get a break. My husband takes my son out and I go out too without him but I still find it exhausting! It's like no time out is ever enough :(

@GoodnightGrandma
Yeah I am back at work now so he is with his grandparents the 3 days I'm at work.

On my days off I take him out to classes and play dates but just feel like everything with him at the moment is a constant battle. It's exhausting.

@mayblossominapril

I think it maybe could be. I went to the doctor last week because I was feeling breathless and tired so I'm getting blood work done to check for anaemia and check my thyroid too.

@Crimblecrumble1990 no I'm back at work now.

Equally cannot be bothered with work which makes me think it must be some sort of depression or something as I don't like being at work but equally don't like being at home. I don't really have any other option though

I have my HV coming out tomorrow to wee me.

Sending support as this is me too. I'm counting down the days until I can go back to work and feel a bit more human again. I've often wondered if it's PND too but it's not like I can't get out of bed in the morning or have feelings of resentment towards him. I think I'm just so bored and really stuck in a rut.
I read an article from a journalist about something called maternal ambivalence a few weeks ago and that seemed to resonate with how I feel, it might be worth a read for you too? I think you can find it if you google maternal ambivalence.