I regret having my son

[Finch20321]

My son is 5 months old and I don’t love him, if I could leave him and my husband and go anywhere else I would. It’s only the shame of what my family would think stopping me. I wouldn’t care if I never saw him again. I wish I didn’t have him, it’s not his fault he’s just a normal baby but having him was a mistake. I keep waiting for the love and happiness to come but I know it never will. When he was a newborn everyone said by 4/5 months it will start to get better but it hasn’t. I want my old life back and know that I’ll never be happy. Sometimes I think I’ve only got one way out of this.

I'm not great at giving advice OP, but I didn't want to read and run as I realise this must be difficult for you. Have you spoken to your GP or HV about how you feel? It sounds like possible PND

Don’t pressurise yourself to feel overwhelming love or form an amazing bond with your son at this point- he is still at a very challenging stage so I think your feelings of regret and fatigue are normal to some degree. I know people who didn’t start to bond properly with their kids until they were toddlers. But I agree with the PP if these feelings are consuming you and affecting your life to the point you want to run away I would suggest seeking support from your GP as it sounds like you may have PND. Sending hugs your way

I think you need some mental health support OP. Many mums struggle with bonding, but to start thinking of one way out suggests you're not well. Have you spoken to your HV or GP already? Do they know how bad things have got?

I didn't enjoy being a mum until I had my second child. My eldest was two then.

It is hard being a new mum. It is a complete change that no one can understand until you've gone through it yourself. I also think there is a lot of expectation on new mums to get back to 'normal', to look the same as they did before kids and life the same life they did before kids. Mums are expected to work full time, keep the house immaculate and be sexually available and adventurous at times. Which just doesn't happen.

Do you get any time alone without your baby? Can you get this? An hour a day or afternoon a week makes all the difference. How is sleep? Again, can you find a way of getting some more sleep if you need it?

Don't discount PND, medication and counselling. I had a difficult birth with DS1 and I never really gave myself time to heal physically or mentally. I think facing and working on that while pregnant with DS2 was a huge reason why I felt much better second time around.

If you need to take some time away from your family, there is no shame in doing that either. What is right for others is not always best for you.

OP. I felt like this. Totally.

I didnt love own son. There is so much pressure to have an instant connection, but that doesn't always happen and that's okay.. please don't feel bad.

Was about 2 years before I was in love with my son
. .. 2 bloody years ! But it did happen. In the mean time care for him, meet his needs and everything else will follow

I’ve not got any advice op but just wanted to say I hope you get to speak to someone that will be able to help with these feelings. Take care xx

I just want to echo the opinions that you should speak to your health visitor or GP. I struggled so much when my daughter was born, and although I had counselling I look back and I know that I wasn't well. I didn't feel the way I thought I should either, but it did come. Please, please just speak to someone, it's not your fault, and it's much more common than you think.

Please do get help. If you don't feel safe with your son do confide in someone.

Thank you for all your kind words and great advice. I was really worried about what the response would be due to the nature of the post but I overwhelmingly felt your kindness, and sobbed whilst reading the responses. I have brought up the subject of PND with my husband but he is very dismissive of it and just says that I’m tired or having a down day. Before I had the baby he would speak quite negatively about people who had PND and suggested they were weak minded. I have no family here (I live in a different country) and I also hate my in-laws, so I feel very isolated.

I am ashamed to go to my GP and I just tell my HV that I’m doing “fine”

Part of this post was just being able to tell people how I feel, I think I would like to have counselling but shame, guilt, embarrassment and fear are a strong narrative for me.

I honestly didn’t think I would feel this way when I had a baby or that it would be so hard.

Been where you are. My son was exactly that age before I made myself go to the GP. I too had been telling the health visitor I was fine....I wasn't. I told my DH at one point our son would be better off being adopted than with me.
PND still has such a stigma unfortunately but it's a very real thing. I got help and was then a totally different person. I felt like me again and the bond with my son blossomed.
He's 15 now and has 2 younger siblings so it didn't put me off
You can do this.

It is hard, so, so hard, and nothing can really prepare you for it. Add in that you're isolated, in another country, and that your husband isn't being hugely supportive, and it's no wonder you're struggling. The parenting part does get easier, little by little! But it really sounds like you have PND, and that is something you need help with, you mustn't try to struggle through it alone ❤️

Please, please tell your GP and HV how you feel. I promise you won't be the first mum who has told them this. They can help you if you let them.

I don't know why some men have the attitude of your DH, but also your DH is not the only misguided man to think as he does.

The love will come, but please see your GP - you deserve to enjoy your baby and your life now.

Hey, I could have written your post. Please go and see your GP. My son is 4 months and I felt exactly like you for the first 8 weeks. Lied to the HV that I was just fine & just thought nothing would change, this was my new horrible life. Eventually I broke down to my GP. She was amazing and so supportive. I started sertraline and also an online CBT course. Now I am 8 weeks into treatment and like a different person. It’s not perfect far from it but so so much better. You don’t need ‘permission’ from your DH to seek help. Medication might not be for you or it might, talking might help who knows but the main thing is taking the first step to seek help and then things will start to get better.

I loathed the baby stage. I had PND and the sleep deprivation and constant crying from the baby meant I found him very hard to like.

He's nineteen years old now, but I never forgot how hard the early stages were.

Funnily enough, I recently met a lady who was holding her newborn. I told her that my baby drove me to such despair that I dreamed that someone would just take him away for me. She was horrified and I felt like crap. She then told me that her mother and husband do most of the night feeds so she gets a good sleep most nights

Don't suffer in silence. Speak to your HV. It is very common to feel like this, but you shouldn't have to put up with it