Depressed after birth

[iamonmo]

Hi everyone sorry if this is in the wrong section didn't know where to post. I don't really know what I'm expecting from this just feel like writing it down.

Ever since I got pregnant for some reason I had an overwhelming sadness, I did and do want my baby of course. Baby is my world, so I don't know where it came from.
Anyway, I ignored it and thought it was just me being anxious because I was going to have a baby. It slowly got worse, my baby is 9 months old now and not a day goes by where I don't think of death. I don't know whether it's maybe because I stopped working.
But now I'm stuck between feeling guilty about leaving my baby to go back to work and feeling awful everyday of my life. I think everything has changed me.
My body, my birth, how demanding everything is. I avoid the mirror because I can't bare to look at myself anymore. My schedule is very similar everyday, I wake up and do the same routine and get to the end of the day and tidy the house because it's a mess. If DP is there I put on a happy face when really I just want to get in bed and curl up. When he's not there I just tidy, eat, then go sit in bed because I don't know what else to do. It sounds really pathetic, I know. I just wanted a place to feel like I can write it down like I said. I hope I don't sound self centred because I put so much effort into being a mum and my baby is happy. No one really knows how miserable I am, I don't talk about it.

I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling this way. I’m no doctor but it sounds like postnatal depression. Do you know much about it? I had it quite badly after the birth of my first baby. My guess is that perhaps you had antenatal depression whilst pregnant, which has now escalated to pnd as it’s not been treated. Have you spoken to your GP about how you’re feeling? If you feel uncomfortable doing this just write a letter to them detailing everything.

First of all, you need to stop being so hard on yourself. Having a baby IS a life changing event. For everyone who has one. Your old life as you knew it has gone and you feel like a complete beginner at this motherhood malarkey. Give yourself some time. And some space to recover. How was the birth? How has feeding been going? And sleep dare I ask. All of those factors will be contributing to how you’re feeling. That’s not my opinion it’s a matter of fact. This is not your fault. Be kind to yourself and if you can, open up to one person about all of this. I’m sure your partner would support you if he knew? The reason I say to maybe share some of this with him is so the weight is lifted off your shoulders and also so that you can have a much deserved break. Just 30 minutes a day is all you need to feel a bit better. A bath, dinner with both hands, a class (yoga is great when you feel low).

Have a read of the book about parenting by Anna Mathur I don’t remember what it’s called but it’s amazing and relatable. With regards to the thoughts about death - my guess is because you feel depressed that’s naturally where your mind will go. I’ve been there and it’s not nice it’s bloody scary. Again, be compassionate to yourself. My inbox is always open xxx (coming from someone who fell into the black hole and somehow pulled myself out!)

Thank you I really appreciate that. I don't know all that much about PND but have heard of it. I don't really know how to bring my feelings up to the GP, don't know what to say. The birth was an EMCS it was pretty awful. Thing is baby is really good with feeding and everything and sleep is okay. I just find how demanding baby is is really hard. I've only had a couple breaks since baby was born it's exhausting. I really appreciate your reply.