Anxiety

[Lou98]

Hi, this may be long but please bare with me!

For as long as I can remember I have struggled with anxiety. I first had treatment when I was 16/17, through my school I started seeing a councillor who taught me how to manage it better and talk through it. I found this really useful. When I was 18 I was raped and went on a bit of a downward spiral, my anxiety was at an all time high, I was having regular panic attacks and also became very depressed. After months of struggling I finally went to see my GP and started taking medication to manage the depression and anxiety. I found this helped and after 7 months I weaned off the medication and again felt in a better place that I could manage my anxiety better.

When I was 20, I started getting regular panic attacks again and could feel myself getting worse so I went to a private councillor for treatment and it helped massively.
I'm now 22 and had my first baby 2 months ago. I knew that there was a chance of my anxiety getting worse again after having him but I never expected it to be so bad. I have found it to be even worse now as I'm anxious both for myself but now also my DS, I worry constantly that something bad will happen to him or myself. My DP works away in a job that could be considered dangerous and every time he's away I get worst case scenarios running through my head of the possible things that could happen to him.
My DS has colic and during his hours of inconsolable crying I really struggle with trying to keep calm and not panic - a couple of nights ago I had a full on panic attack while trying to console him and I have been really struggling.

I really don't want to go to my GP, I can't explain why, I just don't feel like I can make that appointment and go. I feel like I could maybe speak up to my health visitor as the next appointment with her is via the phone and as I've met her a few times now I feel a bit more comfortable. Would she be able to help me though or would she just tell me to speak to the GP? Would I be judged as a mother for struggling?

Sorry that was so long, I wanted to get all the background down - if anyone made it to the end, any advice would be much appreciated!

Hi @Lou98 congratulations on your baby and I'm sorry you're having a tough time with anxiety. You go through such a big hormonal change after pregnancy and then of course there is the sleep deprivation so it's not surprising you're feeling anxious especially if it's something you've experienced in the past. I would speak to whoever you feel comfortable to and also make sure you are supporting yourself by eating a varied diet and getting some really good nutrition.

@rainbowninja thank you. Luckily my DS sleeps quite well now, he generally goes about 3.5-4.5 hours between feeds, I just can't seem to switch off my mind to get any sleep myself.

I would feel more comfortable talking to my HV but I wasn't sure if she would actually be able to help at all or if she would tell me I need to speak to my GP, which I don't feel I'd be able to do

Hi @Lou98 I'm sure the health visitor would be really sympathetic so it sounds like a good starting point and you only need to see the GP if you are considering medication or want to be referred for therapy on the NHS.

Have you spoken to your DP about how you are feeling?

@rainbowninja Thank you.
Yeah I have spoken to him, he is really supportive. With his job he works away for 2 weeks then is home for 2 weeks, it really helps him having the 2 weeks off because it makes such a difference having the help. He's offered to come home early but if he does that he won't get paid and we do need the money.
His family help me out a lot too but I can just feel my anxiety getting worse and worse and I don't want to be back in the place I was a few years ago

@Lou98 I know what you mean, when you've suffered with anxiety previously you can recognise the signs of when it's going downhill again so it's good you're thinking about what you can do about it.

What did you do before you had your little one? Are you planning to be a full time mum for the foreseeable?

@rainbowninja Yeah that's it, I can spot that I'm getting worse again, yet I can't seem to stop it happening.

Before I had him I felt as though I had it more under control, in the past I went to therapy for a while and she taught me techniques for breathing and ways to focus on other things when I'm feeling panicky. It worked for a while but when it was really bad I struggled and I was on medication (sertraline) for about 7 months. I decided to come off of that a couple of years ago, mainly because my partner and I had been talking about TTC and I wanted to come off of it first. I did and was managing well for a while, then after about a year I found it was getting worse again, I don't know what caused it this time, I think I was just struggling with how long it was taking TTC and I had a MC aswell but I didn't want to go back on medication at that point so I went to see a private therapist and talking it out really helped.
My partner was also amazing, he could really see when I was struggling, often before I could and he would take my mind off it by suggesting a walk, or putting on a movie etc. If I was having a panic attack he just sat next to me, he knew there wasn't much that would stop it but just having him there helped.

None of that seems to be working now though which is why I'm worrying so much and not sure how to pull myself out of it this time

I had postnatal anxiety too - it was triggered by my little one having "colic" type symptoms and inconsolable crying just triggered me so much I was in a constant state of fight or flight mode so I couldn't switch off or sleep and I felt I was doing everything wrong for my little boy

My GP was really supportive (more so than hv) and v sympathetic and I got the support I needed to feel better. I found it hard to reach out for help too and needed encouragement but it was honestly the best thing I did. No one judged I just got support. I talked to a few professionals and had different responses but my gp ended up being the best for me

Hope it gets easier for you soon. The crying stopped for us at about 3 months just like a light switched on and he didn't really do it anymore

There is also the cry-sis charity if you google them www.cry-sis.org.uk

And pandas support perinatal mental health pandasfoundation.org.uk

@milkieway sorry you've experienced it too, it really is horrible!

Yeah I think it's been the colic that's pushed me over the edge too. It sounds so bad but I dread being alone with him because I know that the crying is coming and he's just inconsolable when it happens, I feel like I'm failing as his mum as nothing I do stops it. I've read all about colic and even though I know it's nothing I'm doing and there's nothing that I can do, I can't help feeling like I should be doing more and that I should be able to comfort him.
I spend my full day consumed with anxiety knowing that the evenings are coming when he's at his worst, then when he's asleep at night I lie awake worried about the next day and it's a continuous cycle.

Thank you, I'll go have a look at those charities now!

Hi @Lou98

The colic sounds really difficult and I think I can relate to what you are saying, it's one thing having coping strategies for anxiety when it's just you but when you've got a baby in the mix it becomes a whole other ball game!

Keep us posted with how you get on, my DD is 6 now and I had bad anxiety when she was very little.

@rainbowninja yeah that's exactly it, I've learned ways to help deal with my anxiety and that works to an extent when my anxieties are around things to do with me but when the worries I'm having are to do with my baby and something happening to him etc it feels impossible to cope with!

I will do, thank you for taking the time to reply to me x

@Lou98 I could have written your reply myself. I honestly felt exactly the same way, no-one can understand how it feels to have a baby cry like that a lot. I dreaded each day and especially the evening like you say when it ramped up (which makes me feel awful now but it's true). Our baby's cry releases a stress response in us mums - so it is absolutely no wonder you feel the way you do when your baby like mine had lots of inconsolable crying, over time that stress response just built and built for me and I thought this would never end (it did of course! And it will for you too!)

Any strategies pre baby that used to help my anxiety went out the window, I could barely have chance to brush my hair each day because my baby needed that constant soothing or input. Do you have any support locally eg family or friends? X x

@milkieway yeah that's it, I feel so bad dreading my days with him because I love him so much it makes me feel awful and I'm wishing away my time so that we're at a point where it stops but then I feel guilty for wishing away this time as I know I'll miss it when he's older. It's such a vicious cycle of me feeling guilty which then makes me anxiety worse too!

I do, I've spoken to one good friend about it as I know she suffers with anxiety too so can understand to an extent, although as I say the anxiety I feel now having a baby is nothing like I experienced before. My partner has also been amazing, he was before baby and even more so now but he himself says that he's never experienced anxiety and so he really tries and he's a great listener but I know he doesn't quite understand it, although he's read loads about it and made such an effort to learn about it.

We had planned on having more kids but honestly this has made me want to stop at one which also makes me really sad but I couldn't imagine having to cope with this with a toddler aswell

@Lou98 def agree it's like a vicious cycle isn't it. I think as it's not widely talked about you feel so much worse when actually a lot of mums have felt this way - and it does pass but so hard at the time. People used to tell me to "enjoy every minute" but how on earth can you when your baby cries and can't always be soothed ... I think it's completely normal to really not enjoy certain stages but that absolutely does not mean you love your baby any less, it just means it's hard and really the whole "it takes a village" saying is so true but we've been doing it on our own

I think the first 3 months were so hard with my little ones colic and how I felt, that then going forwards I felt abit like I could handle anything as nothing ever felt that bad!! And with time I can look back and see it was a moment in time.

Getting help for my anxiety was the best thing I ever did

That's great that your partner is supportive and even just someone trying to listen and understand can help massively.

I don't know if you already do this but I used to split the day up in my head into hourly chunks - this somehow helped me get through the long days somehow when things were hard for me. I felt the same re: baby number 2, that I didn't want to repeat the experience but I am starting to change my mind abit because I love being a mum now and either way it will be ok

X x if it helps to talk on here too I'll keep checking the messages

If you had a bad back through holding your baby you would seek medical help. Anxiety is no different. You have been on medication before and it has helped. I wouldn't hesitate to contact your GP and ask for help. That's what they are there for. Having a baby can be a very stressful time and add a colicky baby and anxiety it's a perfect storm.
Some mums breeze through, others don't and there is absolutely no shame in this. I would definitely talk to your HV as she may be able to refer you to the peri natal team but I would definitely pick up that phone to your GP. My daughter has been and is to a lesser degree now still going through this so I speak from experience. Sending you love and peace of mind x

Hi a similar thing happened to me after my first baby. I felt like I wasn't good enough for him and I was useless because I couldn't console his endless crying. He also slept really badly so I'd dread going to bed every night and obsess over how little sleep I was getting. I felt a shell of my former self.
I left it a bit long but I eventually went back to the private therapist I saw when my anxiety was bad before, Ive always wanted to avoid medication as I don't want to become reliant on it, I wish I'd called him sooner as talking through everything has made me a much more confident and happy mum!
As for coping strategies for colic there is no shame in using earplugs to quieten the crying if it keeps you calmer (obviously as long as you are still comforting the baby!) or alternatively I used to have some success with playing some heavy rock music (or any other music you're into) and walking baby around / bouncing to the music, it did used to calm baby down a bit eventually.
One of every mums favourite sayings is 'this too shall pass' colic is horrible and seems like it goes on forever but it won't be long before they grow out of it and are a much happier, smiler baby that usually only cries for reason! Good luck x