Sorry, this is a very long and probably quite confused post. Grateful to anybody who can read to the end and offer their thoughts or advice.
I had my beautiful DD 3 months ago and think the world of her, but I feel like I’m struggling to manage day to day and that we are both living a half life. I feel that she deserves so much better than to have me as her mother. I’m not sure how much of what I’m experiencing is normal for a FTM and if I’m a bit naive in thinking it should be easier. I’m also not sure if it is issues I have with anxiety and OCD making things much more difficult than they need to be.
For some background, I fell pregnant with a much-wanted baby a couple of months before Covid hit. Sadly, I had an early miscarriage. I didn’t really access any proper help at the time, and no reading up about how common miscarriage is helped me - I became convinced that it was going to keep happening or that I wouldn’t be able to conceive again, and I was scared to try. By the time I was considering TTC again, Covid hit and I was devastated, thinking it meant I couldn’t possibly TTC. A number of people outside my immediate family knew about my miscarriage, so I felt I would be judged if I deliberately fell pregnant again during a pandemic, despite my husband telling me we should just try and see what happens. I sank into a depression, and after several months I realised that I had to TTC - I had to know if I could get pregnant again and I felt like time was ticking. Fortunately I fell pregnant straightaway but my anxiety went into overdrive - I had a really difficult time telling people or feeling any sort of excitement. I also couldn’t shake the guilt at having got pregnant deliberately during a pandemic and felt a massive responsibility to keep baby safe. I developed anxiety about Covid and germs being brought into the house. As I was able to work from home, I became a hermit for my whole pregnancy. I had CBT at the time to try to overcome my anxiety but unfortunately I didn’t get on very well with this and ended up making out to the therapist that I was feeling better about everything, just so we could finish the sessions. My anxiety continued right up until the end, and the whole experience of being pregnant was just miserable. I told myself that I would feel so much better once I had baby safe in my arms.
Well DD arrived, safe and well, but I feel just as miserable now as I did throughout my pregnancy. I think there are two things driving this - my anxiety, but also the fact that I have always struggled to juggle and am easily overwhelmed. The things I struggle with are:
- Preparing formula
I switched to formula after two weeks of breastfeeding due to issues latching on, sore nipples, nipple shields apparently ‘affecting take up of milk’ and worries about DD’s weight. I feel incredibly guilty that I didn’t try harder, and also because I know one of the reasons I switched to formula was because I felt so embarrassed having different health professionals watching me breastfeeding and anxious about them coming in and out of my house during Covid. DD took quite easily to formula, but preparing bottles just seems to dominate my day. With the powder being non-sterile, I worry about getting traces of it on my hands, on the outside of the bottles etc. and making her ill. I batch-make day and night bottles in two separate batches (the next best way I could see to do it other than preparing fresh every time when she was feeding constantly and very unpredictable). It just feels like a military operation - constantly taking apart and washing used bottles or they build up next to the sink (no room for a dishwasher), sterilising bottles, washing my hands quite obsessively so I can handle sterilised bottles, wiping down kitchen worktop, waiting for kettle water to cool, making up bottles quickly to avoid water cooling too quickly so it kills any bacteria in powder, flash cooling bottles to go in fridge, cleaning worktop again as powder has been spilled. In the morning I have to do this during one of her naps and in the evening husband has to cuddle DD (she can be fussy in the evening) so I can concentrate on it. My husband works shifts and it is a rush every evening for me to grab a shower, for him to get dinner done (he’s so much better at cooking and I can’t seem to manage it when on my own with DD), for us to take turns eating and comforting DD and for me to make bottles. When husband is on the early shift, we have to rush so I can take over looking after DD and he can get to bed early. When he’s on the late shift, he gets home late, everything is then late and we have to rush so we can all get to bed at a reasonable time. Quite often there is no time to wash up after dinner so there is a pile of dishes waiting for me in the morning.
I also end up frequently chucking formula away if a whole batch isn’t used within 12 hours, as I decided that that was less risky than leaving it in the fridge for up to 24 hours, like NHS website said you could. So then there is the pressure to make sure the next batch is ready on time. I feel like it’s always going to be this much of a headache with preparing formula and we will never get a spare moment in the evening.
- Getting out of the house
This was tricky in the first few weeks anyway as I was recovering from a C-section. But it doesn’t seem to have become any easier as the weeks and months have passed. I have tried to time it so we go soon after a feed but it ends up being stressful and I come home feeling exhausted. Firstly I have to wipe down the front door handles, as my partner has touched them coming home from work and we both have when we have taken in deliveries - it’s my Covid fears rearing their ugly head again. Our house is small so there is no room to store our pram (and I wouldn’t want its dirty wheels in the house). I store the pram in the car boot so I have to lift the heavy pram base in and out of the car and assemble the pram every time. DD often becomes fussy and cries when I am doing this unless she is asleep. She will also get distressed when I am dressing her for a walk and transferring her to the pram, and again when I bring her in after the walk. I’m having to take my shoes on and off every time I walk from outside the house and into the living room to get DD, changing bag etc. I end up wrestling with the pram’s parasol which never seems to cover her properly. I end up walking her in a semi-dehydrated state due to rushing out the door as quickly as I can after her feed and panicking during the entire walk that I’ve not dressed her right. I wear a mask and can feel people looking at me and wondering why I’m wearing a mask on a walk. The last few times, DD has been quite distressed on her walk for no obvious reason and I’m worried it’s because I’m not taking her frequently enough for her to be used to it? I manage to get out once or twice a week some weeks and not at all other weeks. If I look outside and it’s raining, that puts me off. If it’s too warm and sunny I worry she will burn/get overheated. Finding the right time is also tricky. Aside from her vaccination appointments, the earliest I’ve got out of the house with her, after feeds, bottle-making, getting us both dressed, comforting her when she’s fussing etc., is about 11am. In many cases I’ve rushed to take her at lunchtime and gone without lunch to avoid taking her when the school day finishes and unvaccinated schoolchildren are everywhere. I’ve only ever felt able to take her on short walks in my local area. I can’t imagine taking her anywhere further afield, like to a shopping centre or tourist attraction, as I don’t feel able to use public toilets and changing facilities. Aside from Covid fears, all my confidence with her evaporates once I’ve stepped outside my front door and I treat her as if she’s a stick of dynamite. The last few times she’s got distressed (definitely not due to hunger or dirty nappy I should add), my heart has been in my throat. I’ve taken her out of the pram and comforted her enough to quieten her before rushing home as soon as possible. I genuinely have no idea how other mums manage to get out to breastfeeding cafes, mum and baby groups, to the shops, on day trips, to do the school run and stuff for older children etc.
- Housework
Considering I don’t get out much, I manage to get embarrassingly little done around the house. I wash the bottles and dishes that pile up, wash and sort laundry (if I leave it for a day or two it seems to get out of control), clean kitchen worktops and sink, and empty bins. That’s about it. My husband does all the meal planning, food shopping and the bulk of the cooking. His shifts mean we only get a weekend together every other week, so usually on his days off he does the food shopping then takes over looking after DD so I can clean the bathroom, dust, vacuum, put away laundry etc. Between looking after DD and trying to keep on top of the house, there is no time for family time all together.
My daughter is clean and fed and I fit in ‘playtime’ and ‘tummy time’ on her playmat, sing nursery rhymes etc. But I feel she won’t thrive in my care. Her world is small as my world is now small. I know it’s not fair on her.
I also feel sad at how difficult I’m finding things, as DH and I had always leant towards trying for two children (obviously no guarantee we could get pregnant again). There are no only children in either of our families. But now I can’t see me coping with two and don’t know how anyone does. My mum told me she knew she wanted more as soon as I was born and I’m gutted I don’t feel the same way. I so hoped I would love this time with my baby. Instead I feel like I’m letting both her and DH down. I know there are women who manage more with much less help from their partners.
I just feel trapped in my house and so detached now from the rest of the world. I seem to make everything miserable because of my anxiety and I don’t know how to overcome it.
I know I have a big issue with my feelings around Covid, but is the other stuff like struggling to get out of the house and struggling to keep on top of things normal? Should I have developed more of a routine by now?
Would really appreciate people’s thoughts and I’m ready for people to tell me I’ve lost the plot, as I know it’s true 😔