Is this PND? 9 month old

[LastStop30]

Hi everyone, looking for some advice as I am really struggling at the moment.

My wonderful son is 9 months old. He’s never been the easiest baby. Reflux, colic etc. He’s very active and always on the move so is particularly exhausting at the minute.

I’ve had some really difficult moments since his birth (which was also pretty awful). I’m not sure what’s the matter with me. I feel so lost. I feel like I can’t face days by myself with him at all which I feel terrible about because I truly love him so much. This morning I just lost it. I was panicking and shaking. It was like I couldn’t face getting through the day. At the same time I also really struggle even getting out the house. I rang my husband at work because I was so stressed and he suggested we go for a walk but I just felt like I couldn’t and I don’t know why. I’m really having trouble explaining how i felt. I felt trapped and stuck because I couldn’t face spending all day at home by myself with my son and I also couldn’t face getting out either.

There are other parts of motherhood which I find so hard. I’ve never been very good at cooking or meal planning so I’m really finding this hard to do for my son. We live rurally so it’s not easy to just pop to a shop everyday with a baby. I feel so ashamed to admit that and like I should have this down by now but I just don’t.

I’ve also never been able to crack the nap situation. If I put him down in his cot he will only sleep for 30 mins tops so I’ve just been holding him for naps since he was born. ( he does also sleep in the car, pushchair is extremely rare, never liked sling).

On days where we have plans I feel semi-ok. We do a lot of things with my parents but we can’t see them every day. I’m also back at work now so he goes to nursery 2 days a week.

I just feel so low and like I’m an utter failure. How do I fix feeling like this? I just don’t know where to turn.

Might be worth calling your health visitor for advice?

With my first I used to have this feeling of the walls closing in on me as I sat with my son asleep on me. So each week I had a plan of thing to do each day - even the supermarket was an outing.

It sounds like you are beating yourself up over 'normal stuff'. My son only used to do 20 min naps till about 7/8 months. My son also used to spit out my home cooked food but eat prepared pouch food. So we did pouches.

I used to tell people I enjoyed my son more when I had company as this lifted my mood. Spent to long alone I would feel down.

So I used routines - dressed and bottles done by 9am. Have an activity planned.

Hi welshlady thanks so much for responding.

Sadly not heard anything from health visitor since he was 6 weeks old. Not sure how they could help.

I’d love to have a plan each day but most days I hardly manage getting dressed. I just don’t know how people manage to put their babies down long enough to look presentable. If I put him in his cot after 5 minutes he’s screaming for me.

I feel so guilty with the pouches. I feel so pathetic that a grown woman can’t even manage to think up and be prepared to cook her baby a meal. I just never have the ingredients in the house. I just don’t know how people are prepared enough to always have nice fruit and veg etc in the house always.

I have PND and it sound like you do too OP. I called my health visitor (they don’t come to visit at the moment unless you ask I don’t think). She put me in touch with a specialist mental health team and I now get lots of support. Please call your health visitor.

@LastStop30 hey! Lots of hugs firstly. Your issues sound exactly like mine except I live in a city and my husband is wfh so a big help. He’s often come back to bedroom after his meetings for a break where he’s seen me crying and holding our now 4 months old baby. He has suggested me to be ready with a quick shower at 8am which has helped me a lot. I have sleep deprivation but I tackled that by sleeping next to my baby. That prevents him getting up before 2 hours and gives me rest in the afternoon post lunch. If he gets up earlier for example for a feed, I feed him / burp him and immediately go for a walk until my husband gets free at 5ish. I’m trying to make most of the sunny weather where I can. Rainy days are bad but I look forward to sunny days. 😊