Struggling

[Nat4392]

I don’t know what I’m expecting by writing this thread but I need to get things off my chest and hope to hear if others have felt similar.
I had my first baby 10 days ago after what ended up being an emergency csection and I was home the following day.
I was struggling to breastfeed and she was diagnosed with tongue tie which was sorted when she was 4 days old. I then had a couple of days trying and failing to breastfeed well and after many tears, came to the decision to formula feed.
She has since been feeding well but I’m struggling with her crying and not sleeping. It feels like I’ve done everything at any given time yet she just screams or will be so unsettled. Myself and my husband are burnt out already.
This was very much a planned pregnancy but I already have feelings of regret. I’m mourning my life before she arrived. I can’t fathom the thought of continuing with such lack of sleep for the foreseeable. Don’t get me wrong, I love her, but I hate being around her. I’m not enjoying being a mum at all when it’s been the one thing I’ve always wanted my entire life.
Everyone keeps saying it gets easier. I’m scared that my stress is overshadowing the love for my baby. I’m terrified of PND. I’m terrified of getting in bed as I have anxiety over how she will sleep. I honestly had no idea it would be this hard.
Again I don’t know what I’m looking to achieve from this but I need to write my thoughts down somewhere.

You've been through a lot in a short space of time, and it sounds as if you need some time to recover. Is your DH at home today? If he is, leave him with DD fir a few hours and go to bed or go out and get some fresh air. If he's not home have you got anyone else who could help like DPs or siblings?

Sorry, pressed post too soon.

If she's unsettled at night, it's pretty normal behaviour at only 10 days, try tag teaming with DH. My DH did the early part of the night and I did from about midnight onwards. That way you both get a chunk of sleep.

Do you think that she may be picking up on your feelings of anxiety as well?

I would ring the PANDAS Foundation this morning, they are open from 11am.

If you haven't already, I'd tell your DH and HV how you are feeling.

PND is only scary if it's left untreated

How are things tonight @Nat4392?

Just wanted to say you’re not alone feeling the way you do - I felt very similar after the birth of my son 2.5 years ago. It felt like my life had ended and I was trapped in a nightmare cycle of (very very little) sleep, feed, nappy change, repeat. I’m happy to say it didn’t last forever (though I know it feels like it at the time), and I love being with my son now. It doesn’t make you a bad mother to be feeling how you feel now - you’ve been through a lot and newborns are exhausting and don’t give you much back at all.
Bunny has given great advice re shifts - it really helped my anxiety about being so sleep deprived to hand my son to my husband in the living room at 9pm ish, go to bed with ear plugs in so I wasn’t listening out for crying, and for him to do the next feed at 11/12 then bring baby to bed. That way I could get a 4 hour block 9-1 ish and 4 hours solid sleep seems to really help.

Thank you both for your kind words. I’ve had such a better time since I wrote this, it amazing what a few hours of sleep can do for you. I feel like a different person. My mum has been taking her for an hour or so in the day so I can get a few things done and fortunately she was slept well the last few nights. I know I’m going to have good days and bad days and I’ll just have to deal with them as they come. I definitely had a wobble when I wrote this. Today is a new day and I’m so thankful for my beautiful baby girl.

Glad you’re feeling better OP. Everything you wrote is exactly what every new mum goes through in the first few weeks! It’s so bloody hard. You just have to try and find your rhythm. You’ll get there eventually, it only gets easier! Enjoy your baby girl