OCD intrusive thoughts/PND desperate for hope and advice!

[RainbowMamaThree]

Hello! I have spent months and months suffering with what I understand is Pure O and PND. Following an incredibly stressful pregnancy, and a previous late-term loss, my anxiety spiralled after having my baby and I started getting the most hideous intrusive thoughts.
I couldn’t actually put food in my mouth. I couldn’t bear to be alone, but I was so terrified to be with my baby too. I felt like my life literally changed in an instant and I became a monster. Even though I know all of this now, the OCD has made its way into so many aspects of my life, attacking what I love the most (fear of loss, I think).
I have received talking therapy and I take sertraline (Breastfeeding). I’m still stuck in the rut, as it took me so long to admit what the real problem was. I literally feel numb and desperately sad that this has happened to me, and that I’ve lost out on a time I’ve dreamt of for so long. Bonding is an issue for me - anyone else had this? I feel so so sad about it.

I am going to seek further psychological support (NHS support stopped when therapist left and I hadn’t had long working on the real problem - my intrusions). Can anyone recommend someone who is really experienced in OCD treatment? I’m so desperate I will do anything to regain some sense of myself and to feel joy again. At this point, I will happily pay privately and lucky that I can do so.

Will this really go away one day? So so sorry that others have this too.

Hi- whilst I cant offer advice, I can offer solidarity. I have struggled with intrusive thoughts for so long (my baby is now 14 months) and have had CBT. The only thing I can suggest that genuinely helps is distraction. The sole thing that keeps my thoughts there is the FEAR of them being there and the FEAR of never feeling like myself again. Having this issue during lockdown has been, at times, numbing and impossible, but getting out and talking to people, making plans and engaging really does push you into your old life again.
It was repetition of thoughts that got us here and I strongly believe that it’s repetition of positive actions that get us out!

I'm so sorry that you're suffering like this.

I've previously done some reading on intrusive thoughts as they were becoming an issue for me postnatally too after I had DD. The key bit of information I remember is that the more you try to fight them the worse the problem gets. Everyone has inappropriate thoughts. They only become a problem when we latch onto them and are overly horrified by them, attaching more importance to a fleeting thought (that has no basis in truth!) than the next person would.

Generally with mental health issues I find that it is incredibly helpful to be as open about them to selected friends/family as possible. If you try to deal with everything on your own and think of it as something you need to keep secret it perpetuates the problem.

My OCD improved noticeably when I started telling friends about it. I suppose it kind of normalises it in your brain and makes it less of an issue.

Roughly whereabouts are you? I haven't seen this specialist myself but a friend of mine had a hugely positive experience working with a therapist in St Albans (or thereabouts - definitely somewhere on the north bit of the M25).

Thank you so much for the replies. @KateEC91 I definitely agree that fear fuels the thoughts and the horrible feeling inside. I try every day to be positive, and to do the things that make me ‘me’ even though I don’t feel like me at the mo. From the outside, no one would notice that I feel so terrible inside. I do have lots of support, I’m just sick of it now and want to get my life back!
@INeedNewShoes thank you - I know - the problem is even though I KNOW these thoughts are not real they just won’t go away and the feeling I’m left with won’t go away. I guess it’s the depression! It really is horrible and so unlike me. I’m in the midlands, but I know so many do zoom sessions at the mo so I’m willing to contact therapists who are not local if they are known to be good with ocd thoughts. Thank you xx

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4181957-Intrusive-thoughts

Hi op
I have linked to the above thread that was started a while ago and is still running. The OP of that thread has received alot of good advice and suggested books on this subject.

This is much more common than people realise and it can be overcome. I am really sorry you are suffering like this, it is very familiar to me and I had an awful time for years before finding a good degree of freedom from it after reading a fantastic book 'Overcoming unwanted intrusive thoughts'.

Thank you so much @Blackopal that’s really helpful, I found that thread and I’ve read through and commented. I have also ordered the book you recommend. Really reassuring to know you have found some freedom from the thoughts.

Hi OP, I can really relate to you, and offer hope.
I had terrible PND and OCD after my son was born, I couldn't bond with him at all, felt numb and like I was in a different world, and then started having absolutely awful terrible intrusive thoughts.i honestly thought I'd gone mad, particularly when mixed with sleep deprivation.

It all came to a head and I went to a and E in absolute crisis when I was about 11 weeks pp, convinced I would harm my baby and that I would never bond with him. It was the bleakest time, so I really really feel for you.

However, he's now two and a half and I absolutely ADORE him. Recovery was slow going- could you ask for a referral to your local perinatal mental health team? Most areas have them and they were amazing for me. I had therapy, bonding help as well as taking sertraline.

Things didn't get better overnight. The obsessional part of the OCD especially was difficult to overcome, and I still find myself slipping into obsessive thoughts and behaviours when I'm run down or tired.

But I wanted to offer hope. I'd literally written myself off for every being able to look after or love my baby, honestly, I thought he was someone else's, and I was a terrible human. I won't say I was suicidal, but I did think I wouldn't be able to survive it.

The bond we have now is glorious. I'm by far his favourite human, and vice versa. He's great company now he's talking, and I don't feel at all anxious when it's just the two of us (I used to have panic attacks in the same room as him)

Sending love. It's a shit start to motherhood, I know, and it crap that it's happening to you. But shit starts can be overcome. The first months seem so important, but now I'm through that time, I can see that my baby actually had no clue what was happening, and that now I have all the time in the world to bond with him.

Take care, and I really hope you get some good help. It will get better x

Also sorry I should have said, two other avenues for help- the maternal OCD website is a great resource. And so is pnd hour on twitter, every weds at 8pm- lots of women going through v similar scenarios

I feel for you!

I had this but pre-natal and it was so frightening! In the end, I booked privately for CBT and it quite literally saved me.

This doesn't explain it well, but she got me to run through a process of the difference between hard facts and evidence vs my thoughts catastrophising. It gave me coping strategies to force my brain to register my thoughts weren't real and I had very little hard evidence they would ever be, if that makes sense.

It honestly helped and I can say now I'm no longer medicated and very rarely suffer those awful thoughts.

Until I suffered, I didn't know it existed and it was so isolating and frightening.

Please find a good (private) if need be CBT therapist. Good luck.

@Januaryblue2020 thank you so much for commenting. It really does give me hope to know you’ve come through this.
I’m worried it’s gone too far for me, my little one is almost 11 months now and I still struggle with bonding and my internal feelings. I do absolutely everything for her and more, it just doesn’t feel as it should. I so so want to just get a rush of overwhelming love and for this fog of constant worry/intrusive thoughts to lift.
I’m totally willing to give it time. Was it a while before you felt the bond solidify?
I have had support from that team, but my therapist left and my block of sessions ended. So now awaiting CBT but would possibly rather pay someone who is really good, and who I can stay with long term.
Thank you for giving me hope xx

@Anon1544 thank you for your advice. It makes total sense, I just need help now putting that into practice and changing the way I think/the way things affect me.
You are right, it is so isolating, and so hard to explain to others how it feels when you appear to be ok. It’s the most horrendous, draining feeling, and I’m just desperate to just be even a tiny bit more ok, and a tiny bit more me! X

I've been there too OP so know how awful it is.
I want to reassure you that maternal mental health problems tend to have much better recovery rates than mental health problems at other stages of life because kf the significant hormone changes that contribute to them. So as your body gets back to your normal, it will help your mind too.
I found CBT and sertraline the most helpful. Totally agree with the above about talking about it to everyone and anyone, totally normalises it and helps you see how ridiculous it is. At least it did for me. I think its when things go round and round your own head is when they get most dangerous and damaging.
For bonding I did lots of baby massage which was good. I also, and this may be silly, but I also found I felt more bonded with ds when I had bought the clothes he was wearing (as opposed to second hand stuff we were given). I felt it made him more MY baby, it that makes sense.
Hope your recovery goes well. To give you some hope, I was discharged and fully recovered before ds was 8 months and have had no problems at all since. Of course it takes some people longer and that's OK, I just want to give you faith that you will recover. Because you will.

[quote RainbowMamaThree]@Januaryblue2020 thank you so much for commenting. It really does give me hope to know you’ve come through this.
I’m worried it’s gone too far for me, my little one is almost 11 months now and I still struggle with bonding and my internal feelings. I do absolutely everything for her and more, it just doesn’t feel as it should. I so so want to just get a rush of overwhelming love and for this fog of constant worry/intrusive thoughts to lift.
I’m totally willing to give it time. Was it a while before you felt the bond solidify?
I have had support from that team, but my therapist left and my block of sessions ended. So now awaiting CBT but would possibly rather pay someone who is really good, and who I can stay with long term.
Thank you for giving me hope xx[/quote]
Oh no, it really hasn't gone too far for you. It took me ages to 'bond' with my son, truly, maybe until he was talking and it was irrefutable. A lot of my bonding worries weren't based in reality, they were part of my anxiety/ocd- perhaps it's the same for you? I was constantly seeking reassurance that I was bonding ok, and constantly questioning the bond. It was so self defeating. There was no magic rush of love for me, just over time I felt more relaxed in his company, and the more relaxed I felt, the less I questioned the bond. Honestly, when I'm feeling anxious, it's the first thing my head still goes too- do I love him enough? Do I feel the same as other mothers? But over time I've come to accept that it's part of my anxiety, and not the reality of my bond with my son.
You are doing amazing honestly, but maybe you could do with some extra help? OCD is a bugger to shift and need quite a strong dose of medication. At 11 months, you should still be able.to get help from the perinatal service, could you be referred back? Xxx

I promise you can get through it. You may need medicating (fluxotine has helped mine in the past) but you need someone to guide you through the process. CBT was expensive but worked.

Just remind yourself it is an illness- you can be well again but the thoughts are not 'you.'

@Januaryblue2020 thank you so much for your honesty - sorry it has taken me such a while to get back to you. I’ve gone up and down since I first posted. I agree, I think the bonding concern is very much part of my OCD. I am constantly questioning whether she likes me, and if I love her. I will see her do something lovely, and instantly my mind tells me I don’t care, then I get a numb but sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I KNOW that I adore her, but it’s just like I can’t feel it. I too get panicky when we are alone. I will often try to go out or make plans so that we don’t have to spend too much time at home - it makes the worry worse and it’s like I struggle to know how to play with her - although anyone looking on wouldn’t know. At time it’s torturous and I can’t stand it! I try to keep her close to me as I just want her to know I love her, but constantly looking for the ‘right’ reaction to me is exhausting. Did you experience the same?
@Anon1544 and @Springingintospring thank you so much for sharing and for giving me hope! I just keep trying to tell myself that there is a way out of this. I’m getting private therapy which will start soon, and I’m really hopeful it will help. Anymore reassurance and advice is welcome - although I know that’s part of the OCD too 🙄

hi op. feeling similar, i see this is a few years ago, how are you feeling now?