Please say it gets better

[firstbabyworries]

Don't really know why I'm writing this, just to rant I think so please no judgement. I have a 5 week old. He wasn't planned at all, and came as a huge shock to DH and myself. DH wasn't happy at all and to be honest I thought it may split us up. It didn't but the first half of the pregnancy was really stressful. We worked through it. The birth was pretty traumatic, Emergancy c section, ds had to be resuscitated and we both stayed in hospital a few days.
Since we've been home it's been so stressful, I knew it would be with a newborn but it's at another level. We have dogs who seem quite depressed because as much as I try I can't give them the same attention they had before, although DH gives them lots and the last few days I've made a conscious effect(they were the first babies after all and didn't ask for this)
It's not so bad when ds is happy or asleep but in the evening, specially dinner time he screams and screams and screams and it's every single dinner time. He's generally not like this apart from when we eat. This then really stresses me out so I can't eat, DH gets pissed off because he cooks everything from scratch so we are healthy and then everyone's just so unhappy.
I know I've bonded quickly with ds because of what we went through at birth and hospital etc and DH will take longer to bond(that's just his nature) but can anyone tell me it gets easier? Or am I just going to have to live this hideous life where I can't seem to make anyone happy anymore?

Just to make it clear, I love ds so much and although I didn't want children I wouldn't change him but it's just so difficult atm. I feel so sorry for the dogs because everything has changed for them and I want them to know it will be ok.
Also has anyone else's DH taken a while to bond with newborn?
Please say it gets better

This post took me right back to those Baby Days when our under 6 months old seemed to have a radar for when DH and I sat down to eat and they’d just blow a gasket.

We ended up putting the bouncer on the dining table (not advised, but they aren’t going to throw themselves out of it at 5 weeks)- if we were closer they would generally calm down. If not, we’d just eat separately.

It does get better. You’ve been through a lot so be kind to yourself, and don’t be afraid to ask for help, whether that’s from family friends or the GP.

DP needs to stop loading additional pressure on you at mealtimes. No new mother with an unsettled 5w old gives a flying fuck about cooking from scratch. He needs to support you in ways that are actually helpful.

@TerribleCustomerCervix thanks for your kind words. It’s hard to be kind to yourself when you feel like you’re failing constantly and because the table is so small there’s not an option to put bouncer on it. But I will keep looking for solutions!
@MissLucyEyelesbarrow sorry I think I gave the wrong impression. DH has said on numerous occasions he couldn’t give a damn about the crying ruining dinner, however he makes everything from scratch as I have some health issues which means I need to eat well and keep strength up, he’s not the one putting pressure on me, it’s the situation. He is now currently trying to figure out how to attach Ewan the sheep to the cradle to get baby to sleep and not stress me out, he is very supportive. Thank you for the post though, you’re right, no new mother needs extra pressure

Hi OP
I also have a 5 week old and can relate to your post!! My baby girl cries in the evening at the same time for a couple of hours and my health visitor said that's classic colic....is this possibly the issue with your little one? We've started her on infacol yesterday and added slight incline to next to me crib to see if it helps. Not sure if this is worth exploring for you but thought I'd let you know about my experience x

Oh god OP. I don’t have the relationship issues that you do but at 5 weeks I think I was on the edge of my sanity. Cried daily, wasn’t sleeping, couldn’t imagine ever being able to eat a meal at a table again. DH was just a blurry thing on my horizon who could occasionally hold the baby so I could cry.

DD is now 7 months and it’s miles better! Yes I’m still sleep deprived and a bit loopy but nothing like that horrific 4th trimester where I couldn’t see the wood for the trees. DD will play with toys while I cook and occasionally we chance putting her down to bed before we eat a takeaway or something and it’s amazing to lounge on the sofa with a movie and a pizza while she slumbers - almost like old times.

I wouldn’t trade our daughter for the world but sometimes you need a reminder you exist as a person in your own right and at 5 weeks post partum you’re not going to get that, before even factoring in relationship troubles.

Be kind to yourself lovely, but yes - it does get better. X

Thank you @HungryHippo20and @Dollywilde. we’ve started using infacol also, helps a little which I’ll take!
Some days are better than others and I guess we all just need to figure out a new normal. I’m trying to allow DH and myself to feel sad about the life we had but also look forward to new things we didn’t expect to experience. I’m sure it will just be a massive rollercoaster and we’ll just have to go with the flow.
One things for sure, I wouldn’t want to be going through this with anyone else, we’ll get there

Oh how I could have wrote this myself ! My son was like this also. He screamed constantly around teatime - the witching hour as we call it. Not really an hour, more like hours ! He had colic. There were times in those early days in my sleep deprived state when I’d doubt everything about motherhood. It puts so much pressure on a relationship too - the dynamic of the house changes once a baby arrives.
My son is 9 months now & things are much better. I found once he turned 6m & we established some sort of routine things were so much easier to manage.

Yes, my first used to be unsettled all evening and if I dared put him down to try and eat dinner - my god. We used to take turns to eat. My partner eats quicker so he would eat and then me. I thought we would never get to eat calmly again.

He would typically be unsettled and scream for 3 hours a night - what changed - infacol, cranial osteopath, tried a different formula.

Eventually by about 8-10'weeks we got out evening back by starting to put him to bed and eat after. A calm consistent bed time routine suited my son and he would be down for 7.30. One of you does bedtime, the other cooks.

In a similar place with a month old colicky baby following a difficult birth, trying infacol and everything else google suggests. It's hard enough without any dogs, and with a planned baby, so I feel for you.
My dh is devoted but my bond with baby has come easier due to me spending more time feeding etc.
It's worth reaching out to other new parents, online groups etc and also making the most of health visitor and other pros, and soaking up all the support you can get. People have given me little helpful tips, one was to batch cook meals for the freezer at weekends, would this be a way to help your dh free up some time in the evenings?
Hugs, you're not alone and it won't be like this forever.

Hi OP! Yes, it does get better. The first six weeks are just shit, I literally wished them away with my second. Things will calm down gradually and you will develop a routine. Don't underestimate how hormonal you will still be. My second is 2 months old and I'm only now starting to enjoy him. With both my boys I felt like the rug had been pulled from under me and my world turned on its head, with a clear wtf have we done mixed in. Then the love kicks in and things calm down and you're happy again and can't remember your previous life. Good luck!

It's so nice to hear I'm not alone when this actually does feel like the loneliest part of my life. Ive felt so guilty thinking what have we done. I feel so anxious everyday. It just doesn't feel like my life anymore and I struggle to see a new normal.
On a brighter note we've had 4 evening meals with note crying! Woohoo! I'm under no illusion it will be every time but I'll celebrate the little wins everyday!

My baby used to scream every evening. From like 5pm on the dot, you could set your watch by him. Inconsolable misery for up to two hours, and then he'd chill out and fall asleep. There wasn't anything wrong, specifically; I think he just got overwhelmed by being a person and had to shout it out at the end of each day. But it was a horrible, stressful sound that was really upsetting and if your baby is doing something similar, I'm not surprised you and your husband are feeling at your wits ends.

I would consider how you can rearrange your day so you aren't attempting to have a big meal then. You may be right that your baby is crying then because you're eating, but it's quite common for babies to have an evening 'witching hour' (Google 'purple crying') which would coincide with the time you're having dinner. If you can take that stress away from yourselves, it may help. And to add a little more light to the end of the tunnel, the crying didn't last forever! People usually say it stops about 12 weeks - I'd say with mine it was more like 14 but it was suddenly just gone.

Congrats OP!

It does get better! Remember it’s a huge adjustment for both of you. DH may be feeling displaced as your partner whilst you’re busy bonding with baby. It takes them more time, but you will get there.

Evenings are the worst! Babies usually cluster feed, and I have been there - taking turns to eat. It’s awful. It will end, so try not to worry.

I felt it was the loneliness that was so depressing. Long stretches of being alone, then when OH came home it was stressful and we didn’t have time to reconnect.

Make sure you have a good support system- talk to family and friends. Get out lots for fresh air. Try not to feel guilty. It’s wonderful you have bonded so well with baby. Give your DH opportunity to do the same

We've now had 7 days where no screaming at dinner, he's not slept every time but has sometimes gurgled away to himself. I know there will be a day when he doesn't stay quiet though and I just feel so anxious waiting for it! DH has been so chilled about it since, but I just can't seem to relax. To be honest, I just feel like a failure at this, being a mum and wife. I'm so tired all the time and I want to be intimate with DH, but come 8 o'clock I just want to sleep 😔 just feel like I'm letting everyone down and only doing my jobs 50%

Please don’t feel your failing. It’s super hard to do anything except be with baby and heal right now. You’ll get through this stage and your mental health will recover.

Don’t put too much pressure on your relationship right now. It will all fall back into place in its own time.

Here for a hand hold if you need it x

Oh you poor thing, I'm so with you with everything you said, I could have written it (except I feel bad for my cat being neglected, not a dog!).
I'll start at the end - yes it does get better. But that doesn't help much, I know. Mine is now 9months old, complete shock pregnancy having been told I was unlikely to conceive, and having not conceived throughout 10 years of marriage!
My baby cried for 4 hours every night, 9pm-1am, as in screaming the house down. I was told colic, cow milk allergy, bad tummy, nothing helped! And then...4 months old, the screaming stopped. But, awake every 2 hours. Then suddenly, before I knew what had just happened to me, baby is 9 months old and I'm back at work. And baby decided to start sleeping through and we haven't looked back.
Practical advice - just tell your partner how much you love them, and you're a team, but you've got to just get through the next 6 months. Like climbing a mountain, one foot in front of the other, don't think about how far you have to go, just keep going. Before you know it, I promise, you're on the descent. Write the next year off, laugh about how shit it is/will be (if you can!). How rough you feel. My partner started to just head over heels fall in love with the baby when he relaxed and saw that I was going to be ok. I think some men struggle to adjust from prioritising their partner, and maybe he has the same concerns, just keep talking, holding hands, and promising each other you will come through this. He may be struggling with his feelings having watched what you went through and feeling completely helpless. I know my partner later admitted he couldn't bear knowing what I was going through/went through, and couldn't take my burden for me. We're stronger than ever now (and yes I sat there at 3weeks post birth weeping at the fact that we were surely going to get divorced because of how crap our lives were!).

Thank you so much for all the replies. Things have got slightly easier in terms of DS, we tend to understand how to calm and sooth him better and can enjoy him a bit more. Things with DH are still a bit stressful, sometimes it feels we are on the same page then he'll say something and I think how far apart we are. It just makes me feel like I've let him down.
I have hope it will get better, just right now I've never felt more alone or unwanted

We used to call it The Bitching Hour, every night from 6pm to 7pm my son would cry constantly. I think the health visitors called it purple crying or something, but I might be remembering that totally wrong. We would eat much later as I wouldn't get a chance to eat as would have a screaming baby in my arms. He would always stop at 7pm. it was weird.

White noise helped, specifically the cooker hood.

It does pass, I have a lovely, funny, charming 16 month old! I mean he still cries (probably more like tantrumming now) BUT a lot more positives than a lil newborn potato. Solidarity. It will pass.

@firstbabyworries when your son starts to smile and response, your DH will bond more. My son was also a surprise and DH wanted to terminate, I didn't want to. Pregnancy was okay but the newborn days were really hard, as soon as my son could do more the bond grew and grew and they're inseperable now. I would just say don't let him drag you down, if he is constantly negative and bringing you down or making you feel a type of way consistently for a long time, just know you don't deserve that and you shouldn't have to put up with it. If he made the decision to stay, then he needs to make the best of it and if he doesn't like it, then he should think about leaving. Sounds harsh but you can't live with someone who resents you for years and years, isn't good for anyone.

Thank you 😊 no he isn't constantly negative, we are both just stressed. Last night while trying to settle DS I heard DH telling him how much he loved it. It made my heart so happy and there was a little thing he did yesterday that he hasn't done for ages which he used to and it's given me hope. We've had quite a few very intense conversations over the last few weeks and I'm sure we will again but today I feel more hopeful that in time we will find our new normal and the fur babies will understand we love everyone exactly the same