I have been diagnosed with PND and I'm on antidepressants which I think are working as I feel much better, but I have anxiety about being away from my baby which is causing problems for all of us so I need some help/advise please.
My son was born in early April 2020, right at the beginning of the pandemic. I was shielding before his birth and have been for most of the time since. Although the government guild lines stated that we were able have help and support from family some of them are key workers (my dad, and brother in law) and some are clinically vulnerable (my sister and both my MIL and FIL). We therefore decided to not see any of them for the most part. He hasn't met most of his extended family.
I have been lucky enough to be able to successfully breastfeed this time round too (I was unable to with my first son) so I have been the sole parent taking care of all the feeds and night wakings.
All in all this has resulted in both me and the baby being super clingy with each other.
My other half is sleeping downstairs in the lounge on a blow up bed while me and the baby cosleep upstairs. We sleep trained our eldest son at 10 months old so my OH is keen that we do the same this time round now (baby has just turned 10 months old).
But I just can't get myself emotionally ready to do it. I feel like I am suffering with separation anxiety more than the baby is. I know that I am using him as a bit of a crutch to cope with the stress of lockdown and PND. I can't bare the idea of not having my nighttime cuddles with him. But at the same time the nights have become hellish because he can't settle for more than 30mins to an hour at a time. I am his comfort so he has to be holding into me all night and it's getting worse. I will consider it a good night if I managed to get a couple of hours sleep. When my OH suggests that he takes over and watches the baby at night I get anxious and paranoid that something bad will happen to the baby while Im not with him, so I can't sleep anyway. It's driving us all mad. But I don't know how to break the vicious cycle.
We always put him to sleep in his cot after a bath and bedtime routine and he usually sleeps for around two hours with a couple of wakes where I just stroke his back until he settles. But from around 11pm onwards I can't seem to settle him in the nursery so he comes into bed with me. The longest I've managed to keep him in his cot was until 1.30am (and I stayed awake the whole time)
How can I overcome this and do what's right for all of us?