normal first time mum feelings or post natal?

[NZBD]

Don’t quite know where to start. I’m a first time mum to a beautiful 11 week old boy. Mumsnet has been my go to google search for absolutely everything these last 11 weeks so thought it would be a good place to ask for some advice.

First 2 weeks after having baby were fine. Felt tired and physically exhausted but mentally ok. However since then I have really been struggling. I cry most days, I’m quite an anxious person in general but I now spend all day googling/mumsnet every little thing about baby and obsessing about his sleeping, eating etc. He’s EBF and gaining weight well, sleeps well at night too but will only nap when being held.

I’m probably not making much sense but I just feel sad a lot of the time. I love my baby so much but I feel like I’ve completely lost myself. I can’t do any of the things that made me me anymore. I can’t even manage to comb my hair or brush my teeth some days. DH is at work and with the lockdown I feel I have no support and nowhere to go. I tried taking baby for a walk today after seeing so many mums swear by it on here, but 5 minutes into it he just started crying and I had to turn around and come back home. He naps a lot but won’t really settle unless at home so I feel as though I’m just stuck on the sofa for hours on end and can’t do anything. I took him to the supermarket last week and by the time I got to pay he had a complete meltdown so now I’m scared to take him anywhere.

I feel as though my DH is getting sick of me constantly being sad and crying but I don’t know how to snap out of it. I’ll have the odd day where I’m feeling better and try to be productive but it always comes back to feeling like this. Does it sound like I have post natal? Or is this normal? I guess I just thought it would be better by now.

Hi OP,
Some of it sounds normal to be honest, I have 4.5 month old and he is my third baby and even though he is my 3rd I still have days where I feel like this. The one thing I do know is that time does pass by and they really do get easier as time goes on.
Honestly the days are so long aren't they but the good news is it will pass, that's what keeps me going because I've done it before and I know it does. My baby is super fussy and just wants to be held all the time but he is getting better as the weeks go on.
Lockdown does not help at all but because you have a baby under 1 you can create a support bubble, is there anyone you could bubble up with?

Also could you pop out to the supermarket/a walk by yourself when your DH is home, you could go alone and even if your out just for 30 mins by yourself you'll really appreciate it

Some of it sounds like normal first time mum stuff, others could be post natal depression. All I ask is that you let your doctor check you out for it, as I waited 12 weeks to ask for help after DS and those are days I will never get back. It's my biggest regret that I didn't ask for help sooner. Part of my reason was I was terrified they would take him away if they saw I wasn't coping. The health visitor said they only take babies away who are at immediate risk, and if they took every baby away from a mum who had PND very few mums would still have their baby.

What you are going through may be normal may be not. But please call your GP. At least if nothing else it will put your mind at rest. And be kind to yourself, let yourself have days where DH takes the bulk and you rest. It's hard work but I promise does get easier as they grow older. Wish you all the best

It wouldn't hurt to have a chat with your health visitor if that is possible. Or even a chat with a doctor. You have unfortunately had a baby in a time that is so unlike normal and your lonely and down. It's completely understandable but only a doc can tell you if they think it's more. Have you spoke to your DH about how you are feeling? Is he supportive?

Your comments about not having time to brush your hair or teeth some days is a little concerning. Do you feel you can't leave the baby to cry/fuss for even a second? It is okay to leave them for a couple of minutes to sort yourself out. I think you are perhaps putting too much pressure on yourself.

Did you give your baby a chance to stop crying on the walk, or just come straight home? It does seem you would benefit from speaking to your GP or HV.

Thank you for your quick replies.

@Icloud54 that’s what I’ve been telling myself, that it’ll get better with time but it doesn’t seem to be the case. I’m getting better at handling him but emotionally I still feel the same. My son is quite fussy too and won’t settle for anyone but me and DH. I’m in a bubble with my mum but he won’t nap well if I take him there and then he’s just cranky and cries and I regret going in the first place! It’s so irrational but I feel like a failure for asking for time to myself, like I’m a bad mum even though I feel I desperately need it!

@Whiskeylover45 I tried to speak to my HV about it when she asked how I’ve been feeling but she just brushed it off and that’s made me reluctant to ask for help now

@trevthecat I’ve tried to speak to him. He is supportive but at the same time he doesn’t understand it all because life hasn’t changed much for him and he’ll say things that just upset me more. I know he doesn’t mean it maliciously but last time we spoke about it and I was just upset at how none stop it is caring for a baby he said ‘but what did u think it would be like’. Which as you can imagine just upset me even further so now I feel as if I can’t talk to him

He helps where he can but at times it feels as if he’s doing me a favour rather then it being his responsibility too. I just feel so bad because I’ve wanted children as long as I can remember and I tried so hard to get pregnant through fertility issues and now it’s happened and I’m not enjoying it and feel like I’m failing at it

NZBD in that case I would by pass the HV and go to your GP. I was the opposite way around, went to the GP and he told me to be happy with my baby. The HV was incensed and raised it with the practice. Seriously PND is a common but can be a serious illness that certainly can be treated. The peri natal teams entire purpose is helping people struggling post birth. If your GP is no use, then ring them direct. Pre covid times they would come to the house, so it might be over the phone now, but there were a few occasions in-between visits that I rang them up feeling I was going out of my mind. They helped every time. I'm incensed on your behalf that your HV was so minimising tbh. If you need to talk please PM me. I know how hard it can be

I've ebf 2 DC and a few things jump out at me from your post.

Firstly ebf is relentless in a way no one can really prepare you for. It will ease up but you probably have another 3-6 weeks before the spaces between feeding and growth spurts slow down.

1. You need to make sure you have at least 30 minutes to yourself every day with no baby (and probably no DH). This doesn't include washing/dressing time. So if DH has to get up 30mins earlier in the morning to care for DC while you have a wash then that is what he HAS to do. Then when he gets in you go for a walk on your own/with a coffee/sit in the car with a magazine for 30mins. If baby screams for the full 30mins tough cookie- what does he think you've been dealing with ALL day?

1. Are you using a sling for walks? Neither of my 2 would tolerate a buggy until they were 6m+. Added advantage of a sling is that you can bf while walking. I'm sure there are some YouTube videos you can find. V neck tops are useful for this, you will feel more exposed than you are - I can't count the number of time someone (usually a woman) came to gaze at Ds1/2 4 inches from their face in the sling and didn't realise they were feeding. It's the same in the supermarket; they were probably (over) hungry.

1. I think you need to seek some support from other mums. Playgroups and the like were what saved my sanity because we were all going through/had gone through the same things. A lot of groups have moved online; try to find them. Your HV might be able to point you at some local ones.

Being a new mum can be really hard. I can't express how thankful I am that I had Ds1 and 2 before all of this.

@Whiskeylover45 she asked me how I’m feeling and I told her it’s been hard having a baby in lockdown and I was finding it really difficult which I didn’t expect, and her response was ‘oh well baby is doing well so I’ll see you at the next appointment’. While it’s reassuring to know my baby is doing well I just felt a bit disregarded. Which is how I feel in general to be honest, even with DH and family I feel as I’m invisible and the only conversations anyone has with me is about baby and that is my only worth now. I’m really sorry if this just sounds like a big whinging session but I don’t feel like I can speak to anyone else about this

@User0ne thank you for your detailed reply.

breastfeeding hit me hard. Nobody prepares you for now relentless it’ll be and you can’t share the responsibility. I’m getting better with it now but there is part of me that thinks I should have FF for my own sanity.

DH will take baby when he gets home but then that time is spent preparing our meal, cleaning, laundry etc otherwise I don’t know when I would get that done. Going for a drive on my own sounds like heaven but I feel like DH is going to think I’m a bad mum and trying to get away from baby. I left him once to run an errand and he ended up calling me saying he won’t stop crying. He has got better at settling him now so maybe I could try again

I don’t have a sling, I contemplated getting one but friends/relatives keep telling me I need to put him down more and I’m getting him into bad habits so I was reluctant with a sling in case it makes him worse with wanting to be held.

With lockdown all the groups are shut. I will try to find some online but I feel like I’ve missed out massively on that shared experience with both my pregnancy and birth being during this horrible time. It’s so isolating.

@LemonBreeland

Your comments about not having time to brush your hair or teeth some days is a little concerning. Do you feel you can't leave the baby to cry/fuss for even a second? It is okay to leave them for a couple of minutes to sort yourself out. I think you are perhaps putting too much pressure on yourself.

Did you give your baby a chance to stop crying on the walk, or just come straight home? It does seem you would benefit from speaking to your GP or HV.

Tbf this was more of an issue the first couple weeks when I was finding my feet and didn’t want to leave him alone. Now he plays for a little while when he first wakes up so I’ll rush to the bathroom during this time. I just feel guilty leaving him crying to do anything other than what’s absolutely essential (bathroom).

I tried to continue on the walk as he was tired so I thought he may just fall asleep but he was just working himself up more and more so I came back home and as soon as I took him out of the pram he fell asleep in my arms. He’s very fussy with sleep, if he doesn’t get nap at the right time or for long enough then he gets very upset so because of this I’m reluctant to take him out and mess with his routine but this in turn is really messing with my mental health.

Babies want to be held a lot. Have you read anything about the 4th trimester? And tbh it doesn't matter what anyone else says you do what works for you; neither of mine would settle unless they were "on me" so a sling was a life saver. It might be worth a try even if you just use it round the house. It really helped me to get things like cleaning and cooking done as all of a sudden I had 2 hands again. I also found I could go out with both Ds1 and Ds2 in the sling and they would fall asleep at normal nap time regardless of where we were or what we were doing so I didn't have to worry about disturbing their routine.

You do need that time away from baby and DH for your own mental health. Your DH will probably see a benefit from this too as you will feel better and less stressed afterwards which will make the rest of the time more pleasant. I felt similar for quite a while (worrying that needing a break made me a bad mum) but actually having the break made me a.much better mum and it still does now they're 2 and 4.

Baby will be reliant on you for a lot of comfort of DH is back at work but that won't improve unless he spends more time with him. It's really important that that time is not spent with you running around trying to do other jobs because that isnt a break. Jobs can happen when you get in after your "break" (the only one you get in 24 hours) or DH can do some of it if baby needs settling when you get back.

You need looking after too. If you're health is suffering so will your baby. There's no better reason to prioritise your needs for a brief period each day.

@User0ne I have read up on the 4th trimester and my baby is definitely as described, he’s getting better at being put down for a little play time but naps he just wants to be in my arms. I really enjoyed it at first but now I’m struggling with feeling like I can’t do anything for large portions of the day. Is there any particular sling you recommend? There’s so many out there!

I think if I could have a little time to myself each day it would help a lot, just to get me feeling like a person again and not just a mum. Maybe with the weekend coming up I can try and get DH to take over for a while.

When did you find things got easier with your two? And when were you more able to start having a life outside of the house again? Just looking for that light at the end of the tunnel!

Going for a drive on my own sounds like heaven but I feel like DH is going to think I’m a bad mum and trying to get away from baby. I left him once to run an errand and he ended up calling me saying he won’t stop crying. He has got better at settling him now so maybe I could try again
Please do. Think about how much time your husband has to himself everyday when he's at work as well as on his way to and from. Looking after a tiny baby is not comparable to a normal job, there's no lunch break, no tea breaks, no conversation, not a lot of time to even think your own thoughts as you're constantly trying to anticipate the baby's needs. I know work isn't always a barrel of laughs, but at least there is a distinction between work and home life. When you're on maternity or a at stay at home mum to young children it's more than a full time job as you are working from the second baby wakes up to the second you're both finally asleep. There's no feeling of finishing work for the day as even once the baby is asleep they can wake up at anytime and you never know how long they'll stay awake for either!
I recognise the 'guilty' feeling as I always felt the same, but after finally telling me husband he told me that he never feels the same when he's away from the children so he had never expected me to be rushing home to 'save' him from childcare. Your husband may not appreciate how important it is for you to have time to yourself as it sound like you're both new to parenthood, but honestly it will benefit all three of you if you take regular time to recharge.

[quote NZBD]@User0ne I have read up on the 4th trimester and my baby is definitely as described, he’s getting better at being put down for a little play time but naps he just wants to be in my arms. I really enjoyed it at first but now I’m struggling with feeling like I can’t do anything for large portions of the day. Is there any particular sling you recommend? There’s so many out there!

I think if I could have a little time to myself each day it would help a lot, just to get me feeling like a person again and not just a mum. Maybe with the weekend coming up I can try and get DH to take over for a while.

When did you find things got easier with your two? And when were you more able to start having a life outside of the house again? Just looking for that light at the end of the tunnel![/quote]
I remember it easing off at about 4m, though there were definitely patches where they reverted to very hard work and it was a gradual change.

Definitely try to get some time to yourself this weekend. Talk to your DH as well about him needing to help you have that time.

There's A Light has it right regarding going to work. I remember doing keeping in touch days and being amazed at how much time I had to myself (while teaching in a secondary school with a 25 minute lunch break)

I was going out to playgroups quite soon with both of mine; maybe 3m with Ds1 and 6 weeks with Ds2 (Ds1 was 16m at the time and needed to get out the house every day). But playgroups/most places aren't open at the moment. You are allowed to bubble with someone because your Ds is under a year. If you know someone locally in a similar situation (newish baby) then it might be worth buddying up for "play dates". Play groups and playdates are really for adults until your child is about 2 - there's nothing wrong with wanting adult company, it's essential for keeping your sanity

I've used Connecta slings but I think you can only get them 2nd hand now. The Izmi baby carrier looks very similar. Lots of towns have "sling libraries" where you can borrow a sling for a month (might cost £10-20ish) to try a sling out. They can normally give advice as to what might work for you, show you how to put them on etc. The ones in my area are still doing individual "consultations/fittings".

@User0ne that’s reassuring to know, hopefully it’ll ease off for me at 4 months too.

I never ever thought I would miss work but I’m so jealous of DH when he leaves for the day and miss my job too.

I feel reluctant to see anyone as DS can be really whiny and unsettled at times and I worry about being judged as a bad mum, but then you ladies have all been so lovely and I guess every mum must have experienced this to some degree.

I’ve just had a look at sling libraries, nearest one to me is 30/40 mins away so not the easiest to get to right now. I may just order the Izmi sling online and give it a try.

@TheresALight I never thought of it in that way. I feel bad waking DH at night or handing baby over as soon as he gets home because he has been at work all day, but I never thought of it the way you’ve just put it. He gets breaks, adult conversation and a finishing time whereas it’s none stop 24/7 for me.

We are new to parenthood, it’s our first child and I guess I’m more reluctant to speak to him because he isn’t struggling with it at all. He adores DS and likewise DS lights up when he sees him. But then he gets all the fun parts, the playing and cuddling etc whilst I’m left with the constant feeding and night wakings. And he still gets to have a life outside of the baby too. I will try to speak to him and hopefully we can come up with a solution whereby I get a little time to myself. Thank you for taking the time to reply

You've had some great advice here OP - you really need more practical support from your partner and to articulate your needs to him. having a newborn is hard specially in lockdown.
Apart from that I'd suggest trying the following:

1. Swaddling - for me allowed me to put baby down and he goes to sleep by himself ( mostly!)
2. A dummy - he was using me as a human dummy and feeding for well over an over hour but wouldn't actually be sucking
3. Consider mixed feeding or expressing - could your partner do a late night feed whilst you sleep? Also you don't have to continue to breastfeed if you don't want to - your baby needs a happy mum and to be full.
4. A special baby cushion - like a sleepyhead basically it supports baby and allows me to cosleep and feel he is safe and he settles well in it as it's like he's being cuddled.
5. When putting baby down to sleep make sure you don't put him on a cold mattress or blanket as he will get grumpy

With these things I get a total of 4-5 hours a night, so still not much but I can function.

Good luck!

Well I had a bit of a meltdown this morning. DS was very unsettled all night and kept squirming and waking up, so between that and DH snoring I managed about 2 hours of sleep and just broke down sobbing this morning. DH then took baby down so I could get another hour of sleep.

@user1471518119 I have tried most of the above. I swaddle him at night as he has a bad startle reflex which was waking him up a lot in the early days. Was thinking of transitioning out of it gradually now but he has just discovered his hands and so knocks the dummy out trying to get his hands in and then gets frustrated because he hasn’t quite mastered it yet.

He sleeps with a purflo sleep nest inside his next to me crib and settles ok in it at night. He was doing really well, sleeping 4-5 stretch then a feed and then another 3 hours but the last few days it’s all gone haywire. He’s up every 2-3 hours wanting feeding and in between that he’s not sound asleep, but constantly rolling about and kicking his legs.

I have considered giving up breastfeeding but I just feel it would be really selfish of me to do so as he feeds well and is gaining weight well too. My worst fear is that I switch him to formula and he struggles with it. I do express occasionally and have a few feeds in the freezer for emergencies but DH is such a deep sleeper that he would probably sleep through DS night wake ups and I would have to get up regardless. He also has a habit of just giving up if DS is resisting sleep and just playing with him instead, which we all know leads to an overtired screaming baby at which point he gets handed back to me! All of this just puts me off asking him to do a night feed.

I don’t know how much babies can pick up on at this age but it seems to be a vicious cycle, when I’m feeling at my lowest is when he suddenly becomes much harder work too