Struggling with a newborn

[Nellie850]

My LO is 5 weeks old now and I am finding that I am struggling emotionally. I didn’t have the birth I planned and stayed in hospital a week as baby was unwell.

I love my baby so much but whenever she is awake all she seems to do is cry and I have found myself dreading her waking up because I won’t know what to do with her. She cries every time her nappy is changed, for every bath and whenever she is put down anywhere. I find myself crying everyday, several times because I just feel like I don’t know what she needs or wants and I don’t ‘know’ my baby. Everyone keeps saying that ‘you know your baby best’ but I really don’t feel I know her at all.

I have suffered depression before but this feels different so I don’t know if what I am feeling is just normal for a new mother. I just feel a bit helpless and I hate to say it but I have questioned on more than one occasion if we did the right thing having a baby at all. My DH helps with the baby a lot when he is not working but I just cannot see how I will be able to fill the time when he is off.

I also find myself being overly worried about instilling bad habits. For example, she will sleep on me but I worry about getting to 6months and she will only ever sleep on me. It also means I can’t get anything done if I’m glued to the sofa.

I know every parent worries to a certain extent but this does feel extreme. I can’t focus on anything on tv or a magazine even. If she is sleeping I am constantly anticipating when she might wake up and when she is awake she needs constant attention so I feel guilty if I even go to make a slice of toast.

First - congratulations

Second - speak to your HV about how you're feeling. PND is really common, and really treatable. You can get help and support and feel a LOT better.

Third - speak to your HV about how your baby is doing. There could be a reason your baby cries so much, reflux or an allergy or something, or she might just be the sort of baby who hates being a baby, but your HV will he able to help you get to the bottom of it.

Fourth - before 6 months there are no bad habits. If your baby gets to 6 months and is still only napping on you (mine was) you can change it then. Please don't worry about that yet.

Everything you've written here is so normal. So, so so normal. It sucks and it's so hard and i think it's really normal to feel like you might have ruined your life. But you haven't. You can and will get through this.

Sounds like the possible rumblings of PND- the lack of being able to switch off, being on edge, bubbling anxiety, unable to concentrate. Of course many of these feelings are normal to an extent but I think it’s worth speaking to a trusted family member, HV or GP for support and discuss it further. I talked myself into thinking my feelings were ‘normal’ for a first time mum but in hindsight I was actually quite unwell and it’s taken a long time to get better. Parenting a newborn is tough but I don’t think it should feel unbearable and to an extent that you can find no respite. Treat yourself with extra kindness. Your baby needs you to be well so it’s worth whatever you can do to find your way through this. It will get better.

Hi OP

Sorry to hear you’re struggling. I’ve got my 5 week old asleep on me, though he’s number 3 and much easier than numbers 1 and 2!

It sounds like you might have a Velcro baby ie one that wants to be on you all the time, which is really common. Have you heard of the 4th trimester? Worth having a Google if not. The premise really is that these first 12 weeks after birth are an extension of the pregnancy, where baby has to learn, very gradually, that it’s safe to be away from you. There are NO bad habits forming now, any so called habits won’t form for months yet, so you just need to do what you need to do. Lay in bed with her, snuggle up on the sofa with a box set and a thermal cup of tea, pop her in a sling so you can do some housework (if you want) - anything you do is fine.

One thing I would say is try and get out for a walk a day if you can. Pregnancy and birth in a pandemic is honestly quite shit. On the days I haven’t got out, I’ve felt much worse. Also don’t worry if she cries in the pram - totally normal and she’ll get used to it. The mum guilt is real and it won’t go away (unfortunately!) so you have to push it away and ignore it so you can take care of you and your mental health.

Hey OP, I have the exact mirror situation as you. I didn’t get the birth I planned either & also had to stay in hospital for a week. I never got to do skin to skin or really give a good go at BF because I was so ill. I feel I also get really down about all this & I really struggled during the first couple of months.

My LO is now nearly 5 months & I promise it gets easier. The newborn stage is so hard cause their so tiny & you don’t get anything back from them to know they are happy. I also felt I focused a lot on routines & trying to fight baby to sleep in crib & not be put down which really made me feel worse. I learned that I really just had to pick my battles & it became much easier. I am only down just being able to put my LO down for naps in his crib. Please don’t be so hard on yourself, when your DH is around to help take yourself completely away so at to relax fully. Go for a bath or for a nap & make sure he takes baby away from you completely so you can’t hear anything, it’ll help you relax.

It is so hard right now, especially being so isolated due to lockdown, but I promise you it does get better

I also second what PP says about trying to get out a walk everyday. It has saved my life & it helped LO sleep as he had the movement but not having to be on me

I could have written your post when dc1 was tiny. I remember walking around the local park crying because I knew that when I got home she would wake up and I didn't know what to do with her.
I would lay awake at night worrying, even when she was asleep.
I am finding DC2 much easier because I am just going with it and not allowing myself to worry about doing everything the right way. So he naps on me, if he won't settle we cosleep, if noone gets dressed for the day-so what.
Some things that helped me
-go out every day if you can. Walk, supermarket, see someone in your bubble.
-get a sling. DS spends most of his life in his. I can get on with things, eat etc He naps better there than anywhere else.
-it is ok to leave them to cry for a few minutes while you shower, make food etc. You will not damage them.
-make sure that you do eat.

Newborns are not easy. Please do talk to your HV.

Thank you for your kind replies. It’s good to know that I am not the only one who has ever felt like this.

@LikeSilentRaindrops I hadn’t heard of a Velcro baby but I was aware of the fourth trimester. Googling Velcro baby does sound like my LO. I get 5 minutes after a feed to dash about and clean bottles etc before she wants held again.

@Newmama29 sorry you also had a rough time. It really is harder than I had imagined it to be the whole parenting thing. What you say does resonate about being hard on myself and also not worrying about routines. Everyone says babies thrive on routine and it’s got into my head a bit.

I have been trying to go at least one walk a day and she seems to settle ok in the pram while it’s moving which is great, until we stop!

@Nellie850 honestly all I heard from friends & family was “my baby naps at this time, this time & this time, sleeps from 7-7” etc so I felt so inadequate when I could only get my LO to sleep for 15 mins by himself 🤦🏼‍♀️ I longed for an hour to myself during the day to eat, clean —sit on my arse watching shit tv— but I just stressed myself out over it all. I decided to let my LO sleep where he was most settled which happened to be in the pram out a walk, or on me, then one day he let me put him in his crib & stayed there for an hour sleeping, I could of cried happy tears! Now me & him have a sneaky afternoon nap cuddling cause I missed holding him

It is so hard so please be kind to yourself. Just do what you need to get through. I remember people saying "you know your baby best" and "trust your gut/instinct " and all I could think was 'I have no idea what my baby wants!'. I found it really hard to bond with my baby in those first few weeks/months. Try to remember that it is temporary and things will change (and change again and again) although easier said than done. One day with a newborn can seem like an eternity. Things that helped my baby settle were a Bouncer, Ewan the Sheep, Walking with baby in a sling, bouncing on a maternity ball. Sending lots of virtual hugs and support.

Op the first weeks are SO hard 💐 my DD is 4 months, when she was a sinalr age I had the exact same thing. It felt like the only time she wasn't crying was when she was asleep or eating. It does get easier when they get a bit older. You just have to get through each day as it comes. Your emotions are all out of sync and you worry about everything and whether you are doing it right. But honestly for the first few months you can't instill bad habits, let your LO fall asleep on you and just do what you can. Bath times will get easier once LO gets used to them, my DD stopped crying at bath times when I started taking her in with me, and now she loves them! Have you read about the 4th trimester stuff? Also please talk to people in your real life, your DP, midwife, health visitor etc about how you are feeling because they can advise if you are suffering a bit of depression. I think that in my DDs case she was crying because she was overtired and I didn't realise that when they are that young they are only awake for an hour or so before they need more sleep.

Also, your feelings about wondering if you have ruined your life are normal, it's such a shock to the system. But you haven't, you will be okay op 💐 massive hand hold. It only gets easier

Please don't worry OP, all this is completely normal. That said, you might have a bit of PND which your HV can help with.

As regards practical steps for your lovely baby girl, I would recommend:

• using a sling around the home when you can't hold her
• trying a swaddle (large square muslin folders into a triangle) for some of her sleeps. Helps them feel all wrapped up and safe like in the womb. Stopped my baby's cries.
• walking daily which I see you've been doing
• try having a bath with her- mine loved it and it felt like a nice easy part of the day
• no need to have any routines yet. I started trying bedtime routine at 3 months which is a long way off for you, and many wait until 6 months.
• don't worry about "doing" anything else. We're on lockdown till at least March anyway. Forget about housework, no need to shower if you don't have time, and don't feel guilty just sitting on the sofa.

Also, and above all, it's a boring cliche but babies change so much. At 5 weeks you're not quite at the stage where she's developed her little smiley personality yet. At about 7/8 weeks she'll suddenly change, you'll see her smile, and then after that the changes keep coming. It honestly won't be long! By the time we finish lockdown you will know how to make her laugh! Hold onto that thought and go easy on yourself. You are doing great

Get a sling, wear her about the house so you can get stuff done.

I remember fixating on the routine stuff so much. I think it's because you panic that your life has changed and think that everything that's happening now will happen forever. But it changes really quickly.

5 weeks was the worst for me both times. You're really tired because it's been ages since you slept for more than 4 hours and it feels like this will go on forever but from 6 weeks onwards things will gradually start to improve.

You don't need to give her a bath yet if she doesn't like it. You can just wipe her down with a flannel.

And WHITE NOISE all the time, it really does help to calm them. Play hairdryer sounds from your phone or I think there's an app.

Yes to the sling, DS was a Velcro baby and the only way I got to do anything was with him in his sling. He still naps on us now at 14 months but I quite like the cuddles. It's hard and it's so normal. I suffered really badly with PND so please speak to your health visitor, they can get you help.

If she cries when you stop walking, have you tried a swing? Was an absolute godsend for me with DD1 - I remember buying it after I was literally holding onto the the fridge swaying, with her in the sling, trying not to cry with sheer exhaustion. She and DD2 had all their daytime naps in it for about 2 months before I started even trying to get them into the crib.

Also second what PP said about overtiredness - at this stage they should only be awake for max 30-45 mins, so if she’s going any more and / or crying, it’s worth trying to get her to sleep any way you can.

It does pass, I promise!

@HappierTimesAhead yes ‘I don’t know what my baby wants’ also true for me!! Glad I’m not the only one.

@Whyistheteacold I have read a bit about 4th trimester but granted not too much so I will look up a bit more about it. I have spoken to my DH about how I’m feeling and he is great but if I’m honest I did feel I needed a woman’s perspective on it, really just to know I’m not going mad. These replies have made me realise I am not and I will really try to open up to my close friend who has older children now.

@TwoSwans you make a very valid point re lockdown, that has actually made me feel much better. It doesn’t matter if I look a mess at the moment.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to respond.

We got a baby swing and that totally saved my sanity. My baby never liked being put down only in that. She loved the gentle motion and it gave me a much needed break. The first few months are so hard but once you get through them it gets much better. Also as a first time mother, I worried about everything. I realised there is no particular way things had to be done and just went with what baby wanted. I also napped when baby napped. Sleep deprivation makes everything seem so much worse..