Struggling with my mental health as a first time Mum

[alightdepression]

I have a ten month old and I feel like I've been swimming against the tide with my mental health since before my baby was even born. I had tokophobia, insomnia and a bereavement of a parent during my pregnancy. I then had a premature baby and emergency c section and some other trauma in the days and weeks following the birth. The last ten months have been up and down but at the moment I feel like being a mother will be the undoing of me. I'm constantly struggling with mum guilt/feeling not good enough/worrying that others are thinking I'm a bad mum. I know that objectively I am "good enough" and my baby is happy and cared for. But I feel guilty about everything (eg working 3 days a week and leaving her with our nanny, sometimes doing things like hanging the laundry up rather than playing with my baby, finding parts of parenting tedious and boring). My mental health was already rocky due to childhood events and long-standing depression and anxiety. I'm taking an SSRI, having therapy and exercising every day but I'm wondering if this is likely to pass soon or what else I can do. I do love my baby but sometimes feel like I can't bear these thoughts and feelings.

Also I feel selfish for wanting a full nights sleep, a day and night totally on my own and for someone to ask me how I am rather than what milestones my baby is reaching. Maybe I never should have been a mother. By all accounts my baby is happy and healthy and I do love her but this transition feels so much tougher than I expected.

I think a lot of these things that you are experiencing are pretty normal but you've also gone through a huge amount.

Does your DH know how you feel? Could you talk it through with them? How are they are looking after LO?

My lo is also 10 month and I feel exactly the same not good enough, he fell off my bed last week and I still feel sick about it. I spoke to my friend today and she put things into perspective. The world is going through a tough time let alone having your first baby during national lockdown with no support etc, there's no book to help you. We need to remember our babies are happy and healthy and were doing our best

What everyone else said - but I would consider adjusting your medication and looking at what therapy is doing to help and whether you need to move on to something else/more with either xx sending courage and resilience xx

Being a mum is hard enough without a bloody global pandemic! Be kind to yourself OP. I had a not so dissimilar story to your with my first, very traumatic birth which left me hospitalised for over a week and baby in SCBU for A week and my beloved gran died a couple of hours after the birth. It was a difficult time and the first big step is acknowledging that something isn’t right which you have done. I too had therapy (over the course of about 9 months) and took medication. Things started to improve for me when I returned to work, also 3 days per week, I really enjoyed having something for me, the adult conversation and not talking about baby stuff! So much so I actually increased to 4 days quite quickly. My little one was very happy in nursery. I’m a better mum when Iv got a balance of working and having my own time too. There is nothing selfish about meeting your needs to enable you to meet others. My little one is nearly 5 now and we are incredibly close and Iv now got a 6 month old too! Another helpful factor is a supportive partner or family. My mum and dad started coming to stay one weekend per month so I could have a full nights sleep/dinner out/get on top of the house etc and my partner does 50/50 nursery runs/housework etc and we are very mindful to give each other our own time e.g Tuesday evenings he goes out with the boys for a few games and a beer, Thursday nights I plan something with a friend/out of the house (easier per covid!) there is light at the end of the tunnel I promise. The first year is tedious the baby stage is hard (cute but hard!) but before you know it you have a small human and they are much more fun.

Also if you have any specific issues around your pregnancy/birth there is often someone at your maternity unit you can debrief with. At one point I didn’t feel I was getting anywhere with therapy and I had a birth debrief and reflections appointment where I went over my notes and birth with a senior midwife and doctor. It was very helpful for me to understand what the issues had been.