Am I going through PND?

[togethelpptsd]

I’m really struggling with guilt. I had my first child back in May, in the first lockdown. He was a healthy weight and full term when he was born. I was a breastfeeder, and he was a very disrupted sleeper and seemed to cry all the time. He also would projectile vomit milk after every feed. By the time he was 8 weeks his 0-3 months clothes were still hanging off him and he looked tiny, I kept asking my mum and partner if they thought he was okay and they convinced me he was. Eventually I phoned the health visitor asking for a check up. When they weighed him he had barely gained any weight since his 2 week check up, and had dropped so many centiles that he was actually below the 0.4. I was transferred to the GP straight away who phoned the paediatrician at our local hospital while I was still in the room calling him an “extremely malnourished baby, failure to thrive” etc and it absolutely broke my heart. We had a few days in hospital and he was prescribed on to an amino acid formula which he’s thriving on, now 7 months and actually on the 75th centile for weight! I still can’t help feeling incredibly guilty and like an awful mother for not raising it sooner, and I can’t bear to look at old photos of him because he honestly looks like a skeleton. I cry whenever I think about how hungry he must’ve been and that I didn’t know. I’m really struggling and honestly feel like I’m traumatised by what the GP said and the whole experience. Don’t really know why I’m posting, guess I just don’t have anyone I feel I can say this to in real life. Thanks for reading.

I'm sorry to hear what an awful time you've had. It was not your fault, especially when others around you were reassuring you that your baby's weight was okay. Being a new mum is so overwhelming physically and emotionally. I wonder if you might be experiencing some PND and maybe trauma symptoms. I would recommend finding a therapist who specialises in perinatal and postnatal mental health. Hope you feel much better soon

@togethelpptsd I hope you are doing okay, I read this & it struck a cord with me. I had something similar & only for a midwife (who I was not impressed with at the time) telling me that my baby girl had lost too much weight I'd have carried on until 8 wks too- she put me on a feeding plan & I wasn't discharged from midwives care until there were satisfied breastfeeding was working.

The thing is boobs don't come with a way to measure how much your baby is getting so you didn't know there was anything wrong & especially if he was vomiting too it wasn't your fault at all! You can be breastfeeding with the best intentions & baby isn't gaining & that was a very difficult thing for me to hear!

The good thing is you were proactive & asked for a check up,- definitely not an awful mother but more a great mother but I can only imagine how hard it would be to hear the GP say those things so no wonder you feel traumatised - I do think GP's etc need to be more careful of how they say these things to new mums- the midwife I spoke to had me in tears for going so long between feeds- but I didn't know any different & feel so stupid now thinking back on it!.

Try to focus on how well he is doing now & if possible only look at those early day photos at a time when you feel ready & have processed everything & it won't bring up any guilty feelings - I know this is easy for me to say! Would you consider speaking to a different GP about how you are feeling, maybe they can offer some reassurance or check you for PND? I'm considering phoning mine as I'm really anxious & it seems to be not easing. Be kind to yourself it's not been easy having a baby in lockdown

It’s really hard to hear those terms, my daughter who has an incredibly limited diet due to her autism once had blood tested during a hospital admission for asthma. and they found she was “malnourished”. She’s as much loved, cared for and well fed as your baby sounds, and that term was heartbreaking to hear. Please try and remember that the words they used were medical terms with very distinct meanings, and that, whilst they can be associated with children who aren’t well looked after, they directly mean children whose weight, or blood nutrient levels are at a specific clinical criteria.

You monitored your baby’s health, you trusted yourself when others around you - others who love your baby too - thought that he was doing fine, and you sought appropriate help. You did right by your baby boy, and he’s now thriving.

Get some support for yourself to work this through, but don’t doubt that you performed your ‘mum’ role well.