Reassurance Please. Suffering with PND

[Firstimemum77]

Hello all,
I have never posted before but I hoped that if I reached out to this community I might recieve some advice or support from women who are also struggling or who have overcome their struggles with post natal depression.

I had my son 10 months ago and had quite a difficult birth. Pretty much straight away I started feeling anxious. Awful in the hospital then with a brief reprieve. I don't feel overwhelmed with his care I find that bit easy and he's such a wonderful child. sleeps well, happy, gorgeous and when I have my good days I feel so in love with him. But on my bad days I find it so hard to connect with my emotions. I worry till I'm sick about not loving him enough and not appreciating him. I feel terribly guilty and ashamed that I have brought this innocent life into the world and now I'm failing him. I feel like I want to have that feeling of ownership 'he's mine' but sometimes I feel like I don't know where he came from. I want more than anything to connect with my darling son but when I can't, I hate, hate, hate myself. I also have a funny thing about when he sleeps as I really enjoy giving him a cuddle when he's fasto. but I tell myself that I only enjoy parenting when he's unconscious and I get anxious about how I'll be when he wakes up.

in my worst days I feel so extremely anxious. I think about the next hour or day and I feel blind panic 'what will I do with him?'. I feel unable to look forward or back happily or with enthusiasm. mostly I'm just wrangling with myself to FEEL what I want to feel. I cry all the time and feel robbed of what was meant to be 'magical', which is of course all worsened by covid. even though that's not really the issue. Mostly I just feel like a nasty horrible monster, who shouldn't have been allowed to have a child.

Anyway, I thought maybe if I got it all out and others identified then I would have confirmation that a lot of these feeling ARE down to PND and not just me?

Please help if you can xx

OP I have been in your shoes. Please, please , please see your GP ASAP. It does sound like PND. There is treatment for how you are feeling and you do not need to go on feeling like this.

I ended up going on sertraline to get those feelings under control. It was a life saver.

thank you x I am on stetraline and under mental health team. I have had counselling and I do have better days... but I just keep going round and round in circles. and I guess I just want to not feel so isolated in these horrible confusing emotions. so I have the conviction to say... these thoughts aren't real and these feelings aren't totally uncommon or evil! xx

Hi ladies first time mum hugs your way I’m so sorry to hear you feel like this. I completely understand my baby is 6 weeks and I’ve also been feeling very low with anxiety however I have good days and bad days. I’m due to have cbt treatment soon for me it’s more I can’t get out of bed in the morning. I also worry about how I will get through the day. I definitely feel overwhelmed. I’m so scared of taking medication as I don’t know if I could cope with the side affects as I have 3 children and homeschooling at the moment. Did you find the medication helped? They say you can feel worse before you feel better? I have found going for walks and watching telly has helped.. are you getting any help? Any me time? Xx

Hi OP, I missed your response. you have done the right thing seeking help. Have you discussed your current feelings with your mental health team? Is your medication at the right dose for you? I know I had to have mine increased to really get my anxiety and ‘dark days’ under control. Is it worth exploring this?

@Sleepdeprived2021 medication is a personal choice but for me it was absolutely the right one. When they say ‘it gets worse before it gets better’ this is only for the first couple/few days where your anxiety slightly increases. It’s a really short period in the grand scheme of things. I wanted to be feeling better for the sake of my older children and to be able to bond with my baby. Most GPs advise to start any meds at the weekend/quieter times when you might have other support around to help you get through those first few days.

@mintbiscuit I’m so pleased for you that medication has helped you I’m not ruling it out. As I’m only 7 weeks post birth I thought I’d give it a few weeks yet to see if it’s my hormornes. I have found praying, mindfulness has helped also. I’m also trying to be more positive as and looking forward to the cbt treatment.

@ first time mum I’ve found omega 3 tablets have helped, I’m also going to try magnesium and zinc and which are meant to help too. Along with breathing meditation/prayers I’m a muslim and find the praying we do 5 times a day really helps to calm me down and reflect. Have you tried cbt treatment as well as counselling? X

Thank you both for your kind words. The problem with your practical suggestions is that I have literally tried EVERYTHING. Before PND I have suffered chronic depression on and off for 13 years now and been on 3 different meds. Sertraline dose is going up next month I think and I've finally been referred to secondary care rather than just primary. I might have an underlying medical condition like hypothyroidism - which hasn't been explored yet? CBT can really help but actually posting on here for me was a way to connect with others about my feelings, because despite knowing MANY women suffer from PND, I haven't talked to any of them and finding people to relate to/ reassure me has not been something I've been able to do the whole time I've felt ill. With lockdown and covid I also have NOTHING to do to distract me that's outside of my own design. Cooking, sewing, making memory books, exchanging on the stock market, writing stories and poems, going on long walks with dog and baby, listening to music, watching TV, decorating the house, doing chores, puzzling, quizzing, watching films, reading, doing art, practicing mindfulness, meditating. .. I do it all to try and take time for myself and relieve symptoms and I practice my CBT but when I have those 'dark days' I'm a different person with seemingly no control over my ability to perceive things or grasp the reality of the situation. It's like having a delusion or being paralysed with inescapable negativity and fear. But I feel like if I can look on this forum and have written acknowledgement that this is just an illness... it will pass and hey... others have felt just the same too, I will be able to get through it. I hope that makes sense and I'm really glad you're better @mintbiscuit. @sleepdeprived2021 I will definitely try the supplements you suggest. Good luck with your CBT and don't fear medication. it has overall helped me and noone would be reluctant to have a cast if they broke their leg or take antibiotics if they had an infection... so if you need it, take it and don't see it as something that has to be permanent, lots of people have it for a short time while they need it and later wean themselves of it x good luck to both of you xxx

I have a ten month old baby and I'm a FTM and I can relate to a lot of what you describe. I have a similar mental health history, have seen the CMHT and perinatal MH Team in the past and am on fluoxetine (SSRI), which I've been taking since the middle of my pregnancy when I hit a real low point. I feel constantly guilty that I'm not a good enough Mum and honestly today I wished I could just turn my brain off as I was so sick of my own thoughts. I have a beautiful and according to most people a very "easy, happy baby" so I feel worse that I'm struggling when I should be enjoying her. I think I'm definitely depressed, as for PND, I guess it technically IS pnd, as I'm depressed and in the postnatal period. But honestly for me it feels more situational - I'm struggling to adapt to being (or trying to be) selfless and my own mental health is taking a hit because of the lack of alone time/relaxation/sleep. Plus all the media ideals/stereotypes of happy mothers enjoying every moment and being 100% attentive & attuned to their babies at all times, which logically I know is unrealistic. But emotionally I feel not good enough for wanting "selfish" things like a full nights sleep, a whole day on my own and for someone to ask how I am instead of asking about what milestones my baby is reaching. Writing this has made me get in touch with some of my anger about how unfair the expectations are for new mums.
I'm sorry if this reply isn't helpful but essentially I wanted to tell you that you're not alone.

It is helpful! I think it's so crazy that all we ever hear about or see is a presentation of mums being in blissful happiness! I wish so much that I'd known that parenthood is a lot about going through the motions and a big period of adjustment is needed for many, if not most of us! People just aren't honest until you start digging. I can pretty much only do washing up, shopping or household chores without feeling crippling guilt that I'm being neglectful. I also feel like I'm faking sometimes with my sing song voice and silly faces and I'm bored inside and that leads me to self hatred that I'm a horrible person for not enjoying nursery rhymes or enjoying his smile enough to complete me. the idea that our children's lives are enough to sustain us for the rest of ours with no other stimulus - I think it's all down to comparing what I should feel, what the rhetoric has 'told me to feel' with what I actually feel and I've set the standard for myself so high that I'm bound to fail to live up to it. I'm my own taskmaster/ overseer! I only really feel better when I give myself a god damn break mentally... but it's sometimes IMPOSSIBLE to get perspective and that's where this current situation is so shit! I hope this makes you feel better and anyone else reading can relate xxx 😊