Forseps delivery - feeling sad

[PollyPocket245]

This post is mostly to vent because I feel more upset by the day and I had expected time would make it better but it’s not. It might be helpful to get it out in the abyss and hope someone knows how I feel. I’m currently 14 weeks pp and my body feels a mess. I had an uncomplicated pregnancy, but ended up having an induction as baby was still clinging on with no sign of arrival at 42 weeks. The induction was fairly straight forward but when I got to pushing they told me that my baby was trying to come out forehead first and she was never going to come out like that. They said I would need to have an assisted delivery but if that failed move straight on to a c section. I was in shock and went into myself, neither was something I wanted and I had these papers waved in my face telling me to sign them. In theatre, a consultant who was just finishing his shift tried to turn my baby’s head to do the forseps delivery but couldn’t. While this was going on I tuned in more to what was happening and told my partner I wanted the c section - mainly because I had no idea what a forseps delivery was but I was scared for my baby to be born like that. At this point the consultant came to me and said they were moving on to a c section because he couldn’t turn her. I said it was fine that was what I wanted and off he went home. The next thing I knew I was being screamed at to push. I later found out that the consultant taking over had insisted that if she was doing a c section she wanted to know where the baby was but in finding out had managed to turn her and the forseps where used. I had a third degree tear, episodemy and lost 800 litres of blood. My DD wasn’t in great shape either she had two big gashes down her face and screamed constantly for the first week of her life, she couldn’t latch properly because her head was in so much pain.

Recovery has been really really rough. I didn’t have any support before leaving the hospital, I didn’t even know how to look after my wound and what not to do. A women’s physio rang me at 5 weeks pp (she was meant to see me on the ward after I had given birth) and told me not to lift anything and how to take care of my already healed wound... I kept telling myself that things would get better and ‘oh that’s probably normal’ but in the end went to my gp. I was in pain when sitting and standing, could feel all kinds of odd pressure, bizarre discharge, irritation and had passed something completely solid, bigger than a golf ball. I was put on antibiotics for a urine infection which didn’t cure it, more antibiotics, still didn’t cure the symptoms. Managed to speak to a different gp who asked me to go in so they could check for prolapse. There was no prolapse but they said there was a lot of discharge and gave me thrush medication but took a swab anyway. The swab showed an infection, took more antibiotics, symptoms didn’t go away, went back to the doctor but had a breakdown this time and said I couldn’t do anymore speculum exams or swabs. Gp said she wanted to explore the possibility of retained placenta. I had a scan for this last night, the radiographer said she can’t see any ‘retained products as such’ but to call my doctor in a week and don’t panic in the meantime. I’m so fed up at this point, I had more substantial discharge again this morning, it looks like tissue to me and can’t be broken up. I have so much hatred for my body that I didn’t have before, I never want anything near me again. I just feel so sad all the time, I constantly feel sore, uncomfortable and I wish so badly I could go back in time and change things. I feel like I’m going to be like this forever. Sometimes I get so angry that forseps are still used like that because my poor baby was in an awful state.

This is just me moaning and I honestly hope that no one can relate to this story. I’m just hoping it gets better in time

Sorry for what you have been through. With DD I had to have forceps and episiotomy but thankfully DD only had a small mark on her. I found the recovery very difficult and could barely walk or sit for a week.

I focused on my DD and how lucky we were that all was ok in the end until I got pregnant again and started having flash backs to the birth and having horrid nightmares. I spoke to my midwife who suggested a birth reflections session. It was called rewind at my hospital.

I was very skeptical about it but it was so good. The midwife listened to my birth story and explained why certain decisions were taken and asked had this been explained to me at the time. She never defended the hospital which I thought she would have done, just listened & agreed at times things were not done as they should have been done. Afterwards she did some meditation with me to help me file my birth memories in another part of my brain, not to forget but just to store them away from the forefront.

Since that afternoon I never had another nightmare & really have to think about the finer details of the birth. I still remember well the good bits like when she was first handed to me but all the people and chaos is not there anymore unless I concentrate on those memories.

I had a ELCS for 2nd baby.

I hope you & your DD are recovering well. Enjoy those cuddles and I hope the reflections session works as well for you as it did for me

Your labour sounds just like mine and the after math! I also had to have a transfusion due to the blood loss. I had to go back to my gp several times due to bleeding and blood clots being lost months after it is relentless but it did stop (eventually!!!) I used witch hazel in my pads to help heal down below and also try not to do too much housework or walking if I did then I found I would then have a heavy bleed! It is shit but it won't last forever

I had a similar hideous forceps delivery getting on for 10 years ago now. Similar story, unbelievable pain, huge bloodloss, massive episiotomy, emergency buzzers, DS heart rate dropping, the works. I like you felt completely traumatised, so much so that I requested an ELCS with DD which fortunately was granted.

I never quite got over it, until the day I went in for my ELCS with DD. They had left my notes lying on the side in my room and as part of the notes was the very detailed, almost minute by minute account of DS' birth.

It turned out that none of it was my fault, I wasn't being dramatic or unable to cope with labour as I'd thought. He was just much bigger than my body could handle and had become completely wedged in the birth canal.

After reading those notes, so much of the trauma resolved and I have given it so much less thought ever since. A birth debrief, or even just the opportunity to read your notes might really help.

Thank you so much for all your replies, I honestly didn’t expect to have so many. I thought forseps deliveries weren’t that common. I’m really upset that so many have had similar stories but when I feel really bad and alone, like no one understands... it’s so comforting to know it wasn’t just me and my feeling about it are validated.

I was told immediately after that I would never be able to have a vaginal birth again so in terms of more children Im not so worried and the birth aspect... the experience in general is what worried me, and the lack of care. But after Christmas I will draft a letter to pals and maternity voices... so much more happened during labour and birth that I think needs to be looked at by the hospital.

After reading messages here and seeing how helpful the debrief was I have emailed to make an appointment but haven’t had a response yet. I have got together a list of questions and to stop things spiralling in my head as soon as something pops up I write it down. I also went back to my gp who said the scan showed a thickening of the uterus lining but with my symptoms she didn’t know what that meant. Over a week and I haven’t heard back from her.

Thank you for words of encouragement and reassurance that over time it will get better. The last thing I want to do is wish my babies first year away but I’m looking forward to feeling like me again one day

I've pm'd you x

Hi OP,

I'm so sorry you had to go through that and how much it has affected you. As others have said the birth reflections and other services may help you process what happened.

I had an episiotomy and ventouse delivery which was not great to go through for me or my baby. I don't know your opinions on more alternative treatments, but some find a cranial osteopath can help with your babies experience, I had a session for my little one, I don't know if it made a difference but I took the view that it may do and every little helps.

Best of luck with your recovery.

I'm so angry for you.
At a time where you were meant to switch off your mind and birth your baby into the world, this was snatched from you.
I'm so sorry they did this to you.
The system is there to catch babies and provide a safe space for them to be birthed in an emergency.
Babies CAN be born sunny side up, vaginally without any interventions.
Your estimated due date is exactly that - ESTIMATED.
Birth should never be how much you're willing to survive/go through. It should be supportive and reassuring and an environment where you feel safe and trust those around you.
With regards to your vaginal discharge still continuing, I would probably ask for the letter that the radiographer sent to your GP and then read the results and do your search yourself. Then I would go private for the rest of your treatment.

"I was told immediately after that I would never be able to have a vaginal birth again"
I would ask for a second opinion. I would also look at making a formal complaint with the aim to have someone suspended if they had caused that much damage to a human being when they are meant to be an expert in their field of work.

I had a similar experience and was an awful mess after it, had trouble sitting walking and was in nappies for a few weeks after, honestly i felt things would never get better but they did for me. I was induced a bit earlier than you as I had a few health complications and it just wasn’t a nice experience, thankfully I had an epidural though very late not through choice as I was waiting hours, but didn’t feel the forceps or epistomy. I had to get the forceps as my baby was in distress and needed to come out fast. She was in the icu a few days so I really struggled as it was agony even walking down to see her and took me about an hour for what should have been a five minute walk! I am pleased to say that although I struggle with sitting on a spin bike, all else has returned to normal again in every department. Lucky really as I’m pregnant again and facing another induction, though I have been offered a section due to my last experience. I’m hoping to avoid it if I can purely because im fearful.I second the person that recommended the birth review, I had this and it did help me. I also got an apology as errors had been made which helped me move on a bit better. Forceps deliveries can be extremely tough and the healing slow, the trauma can be horrific. I’m really hoping this time around is better, but I am a lot more mentally prepared. I am definitely left with a lot of anxiety around giving birth after it!

The debrief for me was with a midwife (there's a team and they dedicate x hours a week to reflection appointments), but it was someone who wasn't involved with the birth. I really struggled with birth trauma until I had that, I found it gave me a bit of closure, I understood a bit better, and it really helped me- hopefully it will for you too. I had forceps but they did offer a c section straight away (baby was definitely not coming out unassisted..) but I consented to forceps as I wanted to avoid a c section so badly! Thankfully after a month or two I felt fully healed, but if you feel there's still healing to do, womens physics are great, or your GP (luck of the draw though) might be able to signpost to help.

You poor thing, it is so hard but I'm so pleased to see all the great advice on here for you. I had a very similar birth 17 years ago and was never offered any debrief or any acknowledgment from anyone that it had been an upsetting experience. It was difficult to cope with mentally and physically as I felt as if I'd been in a car crash. Looking back I wish someone had noticed how traumatised I was. I still find it difficult to think about even now. My second birth was so very different, actually enjoyable in some ways, and that also makes me a bit sad about the contrast. It's really good that you've taken steps towards healing physically and mentally. Better days will come.

I had a very similar delivery, I even said I didn’t want it but the doctor lent me forward and gave me the spinal block even though I said no.
It took a while to heal, I saw a physio in the hospital, pre covid, it was a tick box exercise at best... but I was told to roll up a towel long ways and the bend it around into a semi circle and sit on it so my stitches weren’t touching the seat.

My baby’s fave was also horribly bruised in the shape of the forcepts. Have you thought about taking baby to a cranial osteopath, they are amazing for forcep babies but expensive!

Oh OP, my story of my first pregnancy is nearly identical. No sign of baby at 42 weeks, so was pressured into an induction that I really didn't want. Ended up in theratre with forceps after also having papers thrown at me when there's no way I had the mental capacity to make that decision at that time. Also left off physio ward list and left with no aftercare advice , also got an infection in the wound and had to go back to hospital multiple times to have laser treatment on my hoo ha to help clear the infection. Took about 10 weeks before walking wasn't very painful or uncomfortable. It was a really horrible experience and has taken me 2.5 years to get to the point where I felt ready to ttc again purely due to my experience of birth. All I can say is I'm so sorry this has been your experience and I know how horrible it is, I also promise that over time it does get easier to see a little bit past it as your little one starts to show you why the horrors of birth were all worth it! Look after yourself and hope you keep recovering OK xx

Should add my ds also had latch difficulties in part due to the forceps and we never got around that despite lots of nhs and private advice so I ended up expressing milk for a year, so can empathise with that too!

I also ended up with a forceps delivery, significant tearing, dozens of stitches and a prolapse to boot. It took me about 9 months to recover physically. God it was a dark time in my life.

I remember all of my NCT friends being so happy and enjoying their babies and I was on the verge of a breakdown, couldn't even walk without this girdle type contraption holding my vagina in

I'm so sorry you are going through this, it really is fucking awful. However, to shed a little ray of light, I did heal, my body will never be completely the same but it's honestly fine now.

Never dared to have any more children though......

I'm reading through all the posts on this thread and it makes me so sad an angry that so many people have been through this- I don't think anyone can understand the trauma unless they've been in the same boat. This time 4 years ago I had had my second sweep and was going to bed not knowing that the morning after I would be in labour, 24 hours later and I had my own forceps story to tell- at this time every year the memories come back even more and makes me feel like absolute shit once again!

I would definitely push for some sort of “debrief” in whatever form it can take. I didn’t after a forceps delivery and wish I had.

In the mean time try not to be too hard on yourself and take the time you need to recover. Don’t rush things and take whatever help you can get xx

@baubled I feel exactly the same!

I’m so sad and angry that so many people have been through this and had this horrific aftermath. There is very little education on this from the hospital (or at least I didn’t receive any and it sounds like many others didn’t!) I could honestly write reams in response to every post because I relate so much and I’m just so sorry that others have had such awful times with it.

I feel sad that people don’t talk about forseps deliveries, but I understand why. It’s such an emotional subject, but if one good thing has come out of this it’s having a space to share our stories without judgment and maybe someone who’s struggling will find it in the future and also realise they are not alone like I have

@mummabubs my DD was the same, she was in so much pain she wouldn’t latch, we never managed to get around it either. I had my heart set on breastfeeding and since birth had gone so so wrong it was important I fed her. It’s something that still hurts now so much . I like you exclusively pumped for a few months but it’s so time consuming. You did so well to do it for a year!!