So fed up

[nmin]

I'm so miserable. I spent my entire pregnancy being so excited to have a baby and now I feel nothing of the sort. Everybody told me that I was low risk and that I could have a stupid water birth. It all ended in being put under and having an emergency c section. After all this, my baby got sepsis and had to spend a week in NICU, I looked at him and he just didn't feel like he was mine. I watched everyone that was looking after him whilst I couldn't sit down without it taking forever. But it's been 4 weeks since that happened, and I still don't feel close to him. I resent my partner, why did I have to quit my job but he can go out everyday and I'm stuck inside? I miss my old life and I feel like a crap mum, my baby looks at me and I know he depends on me but it doesn't make me feel any different. Everyone tells me it will get better but who are they to know that, what if I regret this forever?

Just wanted to respond with a hand hold. The first few weeks are so so hard, especially when you are recovering from a traumatic birth experience. It will get better. Your hormones will be all over the place right now but they will settle down, your body will heal and your bond with the baby will grow with time. However there is no shame in reaching out to your GP or HV to express how you are feeling. You may be able to get some counselling or something to work through everything that happened with the birth and then the baby being ill. They will be able to help, and things will get better.
In a few weeks your lovely baby will be smiling and cooing and so much more engaged with you, and I promise it feels so much better when you feel like your getting a little something back IYSWIM.

Hi there and thanks for your reply. It's so hard to speak to people about this. I have my 6 week checkup soon so maybe I should talk about it I just don't want to seem like I'm crazy.

No one will think you are crazy. It’s incredibly common to feel overwhelmed in the first few weeks. You birthed a person and will be recovering from that both physically and mentally. The best thing to do is to talk about it and seek help early if you are struggling.

Hospitals often have a birth debrief service where a midwife will go through your notes with you and discuss why everything happened the way it did. This can sometimes be helpful in working through the birth and why things wernt as expected. Maybe ask about that.

I found things did start to get easier after about 6 weeks when baby started to smile and interact a bit more. My baby is 10 weeks now and I feel so much more emotionally settled than I did at 4 weeks, but it is worth expressing how you feel in case it turns into something like PND. You can get help early then

Hi OP, sorry you are having a tough time. I had pnd after having a difficult birth and baby in nicu and I totally relate to the feeling of not feeling connected to baby. I promise, it does get easier. It takes time. Can you have any counselling? You must talk about it at your 6 week check or sooner if you can - it is very normal to feel this way.

Also try and get outside each day. Honestly fresh air helps so much, even if it’s just a walk around the block with the pram or sling. How helpful is your DH? Ask him to take the baby for a few hours every now and again so you can nap uninterrupted/have a shower/go to the shops for a break etc

I had a similar but different birth, not as traumatic as yours. No NICU. Sounds like you have had it tough.

But I also got sold on a water birth with hypnobirthing and things were very different to what I wanted. I felt the same as you described. In fact I remember thinking at the time, this is like taking care of a pet!

I was obsessed with how wrong my birth went and I couldn't move past it for ages. Crying my eyes out to a health visitor and then my mum helped, I must admit.

then I felt angry and like I didn't want to do it anymore. I felt the same about my husband and resented that his life stayed the same but mine had changed so much. A shower became a luxury. Two minutes is all I'd get and then half the time he'd bring the baby up while I was getting dressed, I resented that. It caused friction.

Coupled with the sleep deprivation and the fact i seemed be breastfeeding constantly, it was rough.

It was at around 4-5 months that my baby started taking regular ish naps in her bed. 3 or 4 times a day if I remember correctly. I suddenly got a bit of my life back. I could sit with a cup of tea and watch daytime telly for half an hour. Or log on to my laptop and do an hour of work.

At this point, one day I just looked at my baby and it hit me, how much I loved her. Like it snuck up on me out of nowhere.

I promise things will get easier when you're out of the newborn stage.

Another thing that helped: baby wearing. I found putting my baby in a sling and getting on with some jobs or going for a walk/to the shops really helped. If this isn't something you've considered before, the baby wearing UK Facebook group is a good place to start. Lots of experts in there.

Just remember the baby is permanent of course. But the situation isn't. They change so quickly, routines change, they become more independent and things do get better. They're not newborns for long. And even if you got to the six month mark and hated your life still, it's ok to look for a job and put the baby in nursery! Lots of people say it's the only thing that saved their sanity.

Spend a few months on mumsnet and I promise you'll notice the way you feel is totally normal and loads of people will say things do get better x

Hi OP

I felt the same way as you, my 7 week old was 5 weeks early and ended up as an emergency c section. It does get easier, the first few weeks were so hard emotionally for me. I just wanted my old life back, going back to work and being independent. Then I would feel guilty for feeling this way. I found talking to my partner and friends and crying lots helped. But each day got better, I still have down periods more so lately as she has colic so the lack of sleep makes me feel low in mood. But I promise it does get better!

I completely understand the feeling. My birth was completely normal, this is my second, but I just feel right now I want everyone to Jeff off! I've never been so lonely and never been alone. My husband is working and sees my job on mat leave as the easy option which is always wonderful to hear.
I hope you feel better as you get into a routine and remember you may not feel like yourself right now, but this first year doesn't last long and things get better and easier quickly.

Hey op, just wanted to check in and see how you're doing?

Hi sorry for the NC. Thanks for your replies. I'm slightly better although still a bit down. Baby has started smiling at me which is nice, still don't feel 100% though. My checkup is in January so hopefully I'll feel better after that.

Hi OP, I'm glad you are feeling a little better. I was almost in the exact situation with DD 1. Emergency section, baby poorly and in an incubator for days after. When we finally got home I remember saying to DH "I don't feel like she's mine!" I think loosing that time together really affected me, and I was still quite traumatised by the difficult birth. At my 6 week check the health visitor could see I was struggling. She arranged for me to meet with a senior midwife and go through what happened during the birth. This really helped. I promise it does get easier and you will adjust. There are plenty times I have thought "what the hell have I done" but I wouldn't be without them now.