Traumatic birth

[hananasa]

Hi everyone I was just coming on to have a chat really. I'm pretty young and everyone was telling me how I should have a water birth and it'll be all natural and beautiful and baby will come right onto my chest. Baby was late and my waters broke they told me to go home and wait for contractions so I did.

Once I got to the hospital they said there's two sets of waters and only the one behind the baby has broke so they had to break the others. I thought okay not the end of the world and I was put into a different room. My contractions weren't coming quick enough so I had to be put on the drip to speed things up. Again, I just kept telling myself it will all be over soon. I had pain relief through a drip and you press it during contractions but they did tell me they'd have to take it off me when they thought I was about to give birth.

I was pushing and nothing was happening it must've been going on for over an hour until I decided I couldn't take it anymore I was in agony. They kept telling me they could see babys head but nothing was happening. The doctor came in did an internal and told me baby was sideways and that they could try and turn baby around. I said okay whatever needs to be done. They tried to give me an epidural 5 times all of which failed. They ended up holding me down and tried numbing me but I was in pain screaming for them to get off but wouldn't so they ended up putting me to sleep.

Once baby was out turns out baby weighed 10 pounds and 3oz and the doctor told me I would've been ripped open if baby did come out.

Despite all of this, I thought it's okay baby is safe and I just need to recover. My partner was able to be there so be grateful I thought. Baby was crying uncontrollably and nothing would make baby stop crying. My partner had to leave at night but I couldn't get up and get to baby so I lay there crying and the midwife came. She tried winding baby and nothing happened, she said it's normal it's what babys do. I knew it wasn't normal. Me and baby were on antibiotics and I could tell my baby was still in distress.

Someone came in in the morning and told me baby had to be taken due to thinking baby has sepsis and meningitis. This was the last straw for me, I broke down, I felt helpless. I couldn't even get up to change my babys nappy and now baby is being taken from me. I went down to NCU with my partner and we saw baby in the incubator, baby was more relaxed but I still didn't feel relieved. It felt like my baby had been taken away from me and still does. I only got to hold my baby and cuddle for barely anytime before baby had to be put in an incubator.

Anyway, they think I can be dispatched from hospital and that I would have to come back and visit baby. We get the results back tomorrow on how long baby needs to be on antibiotics for but it's at least 5 days but could be up to 21. I feel a terrible guilt and only got the tiniest bit of sleep last night due to exhaustion.

I just wanted to feel like I've let something out somewhere anyway, wanted to say how I'm feeling. I feel like my baby will come out and be confused as since only being a few days old baby is already away from me. Thanks to whoever read this anyway.

I forgot to add, baby was born via c section which is why I couldn't get up.

Don't feel guiltily. In all this process you just wanted your baby safe. You raised the alarm when you said it wasn't right. You've done all the right things. Your baby will not forget you, I promise. I could understand you feel robbed. You had an expectation in your head which where other people's births and that doesn't help. I wish people wouldn't big up a birth plan to other mums because every birth is so different. My DS was back to back and was pushing for around 5 hours in total. You need to take care of yourself and remember you did an amazing job of bringing your child into this world. Your baby is in the best place at the moment whilst they are a bit poorly but this is none of your fault. Congratulations on the birth of your baby and I hope both of you have speedy recoveries and you can take baby home soon.

@hananasa it sounds to me like you have done amazingly well getting through what was a really difficult birth, so well done - you are out the other side now and your baby is here! I know it’s not the start you thought you’d have but believe me, it often never is with labour!
The important thing now is that you rest and take care of yourself whilst baby is in hospital. Baby is in the best place with the best people looking after him/her. Baby needs you to to be well when they come home.
My DD was in NICU for two weeks after her birth and it didn’t affect our relationship at all. You know when that baby is placed in your arms that it just felt right! I’m sure you will be the same.
Take care of yourself

I have nothing useful to add but didn't want to read and run. Hopefully someone with a similar experience will be along shortly. You have nothing to feel guilty about, and it sounds like your baby will be ok. You've been through an awful lot. You are doing wonderfully so far. I hope you and baby are ok.

It sounds like a terrible time for you.

You have however already shown yourself to be a wonderful mother, trusting your instinct about your child and being a great advocate for them.

Baby will be out of hospital soon and the two of you can snuggle together.

Thank you all for your kind messages. It's been hard but seeing baby improve is helping, I just feel so fragile whether it's the hormones or because I wasn't mentally prepared for this to happen I don't know. They said that they could get a bed downstairs so I could be with baby but it's draining me being in hospital I'm so depressed. I'd feel guilty for leaving but I'm not doing anything because the nurses are the ones looking after baby. I could come back and see him 24 hours a day.

@hananasa

Thank you all for your kind messages. It's been hard but seeing baby improve is helping, I just feel so fragile whether it's the hormones or because I wasn't mentally prepared for this to happen I don't know. They said that they could get a bed downstairs so I could be with baby but it's draining me being in hospital I'm so depressed. I'd feel guilty for leaving but I'm not doing anything because the nurses are the ones looking after baby. I could come back and see him 24 hours a day.

Personally I'd stay with baby. I know you can't do much as you're recovering but at least you're there. I think you'd feel worse going home and that won't help with your recovery if you have to keep going to and from the hospital.

Hello, I had a similar situation with my first baby. I held him briefly before he was in scbu in incubator. I felt like you describe, that he had been taken away and that he wasn't my baby. I nearly went home as they said they could discharge me and I hated being in the hospital. But a midwife told me to stay, and she was right. Even though the doctors and nurses are providing all the medical care etc it is your baby, and only you can provide the maternal love and care so hold on to that - you are doing something and the baby is yours. Your baby will not be confused about who their mother is and your relationship with them will only get stronger and stronger and closer and closer.

I think you're right. I'm already distressed so leaving baby will make me even more distressed. I'll see if they have a bed for me.

Babies are very safe in nicu and have lot of staff looking after them. If you are not pumping, you can go home and try to relax. Have a long shower, drink a nice hot cup of tea, then decide when is the best time for you to visit baby.

Your baby won’t forget you. Can I suggest you ask for kangaroo care. Where they help you get skin to skin contact with baby. It is good for both of you. I used to enjoy those a lot and were one of the best memories I have made with my children while they were in nicu.

Praying for your baby's quick recovery

I just think it's a shame no one helped you putting thw baby tonsleep woth you. When DD1 had a difficult birth (I say as far away as possible but atill considered natural bitth) and I could only get out of the bed with nurses help to go bathroom. Baby slept on my arms (and afterwards always refused to go to the cot....)

Hello @hananasa, first up I'm so sorry, what a tough time you've had. You and bub are both fighters for getting through that - well done! Strong mumma

I had a similar birth. Dd's head was stuck in my pelvis awkwardly. I had CS after 2 days in labour. Then a week in hospital because of feeding problems.

It was just a fluke, I did nothing wrong. I later had 9lb5 DS who came out quickly and easily. You've done nothing wrong. Nature is not always gentle.

You're trying to process the trauma of birth at the same time as the ongoing trauma of your baby being ill and learning to be a mum, all at once. It's horrendous. Be kind to yourself.

It helped me to try to mentally get outside the hospital - stepping outside for a bit to see the world was still turning. Having some personal bits by my bed to feel less institutionalised. Talking to friends on the phone.

You'll be ok, it just takes time. Congratulations on the birth of your baby. This is just a few days in a very long time you'll have together. [Flowers]

I found the birth of my first daughter traumatising and remember feeling in a bit of an anxious fog - waiting to feel calm and ‘normal’ again. What I didn’t know at the time was that actually that was my ‘normal’ for considering that my brain and body was trying to process trauma and that it was okay to cry about it all and to feel a mix of emotions. It was also my ‘normal’ to feel hypervigilent because my brain was in fight/flight mode. What helped me the most was getting some support around the birth trauma from a trained and compassionate professional. In my personal experience, a couple of sessions with a trained psychotherapist specialising in birth trauma made the absoloute world of difference and then the rest was time. I went on to have another two children and am pregnant hopefully with a fourth. I hope that things get better for you and your little girl. Please please be kind to yourself. You didn’t ask for the birth that you had and most people would feel in shock and would struggle to relax and sleep after the experience you have had...just reach out for some help if you need it. Congratulations on your baby xxx

Also want to echo the previous pp who said get outside the hospital if you can. I stayed in a room with DD but after a few days went home for a couple of hours to have a bath etc. It done me the world of good to get out of the hospital so don’t feel obliged to stay there every minute. There is no right and wrong way about how to deal with a baby in NICU.

I could cheerfully strangle the people who spout nonsense to pregnant women about birth being gentle, natural, easy, “your body knows what to do”, etc.
As you have discovered, it frequently is dangerous, brutal, life threatening and needs the full range of hospital intervention to get mum and baby through safely.
Globally, 800 women a day die of the complications of pregnancy and labour. So please do not feel any misplaced guilt whatsoever that your birth wasn’t like the fluffy fantasy you were sold!
Also, forget any further nonsense about not “bonding” - you and your baby will establish a loving relationship regardless of the time spent in NICU. My own second DD was born almost dead and had to be ventilated and spent a week in NICU. I had to leave her and go home to care for my 16 month old toddler. I visited for a measly hour a day.
She is now almost 30, and we’ve had a great bond for her whole childhood and adult life.
At present you are probably suffering post traumatic stress. There is a risk of postnatal depression, so it is important that you vent your feelings and have some support, as you come to terms with the events of your labour and the aftermath.
Try to focus forwards and look to the day when your baby comes home, all this is behind you and you can be a normal happy mum and baby together. The horror of it all will fade with time, I promise, and be replaced by happy milestones like your baby’s first smile, tooth, steps, etc. Hang on in there, and I hope you soon feel more yourself again.

Thank you so much for your replies and sharing your experiences - you're all so kind. I do think I am dealing with postnatal depression. I'm almost scared to have my baby back because of the intense crying, it scared me. I go to see baby and baby just takes milk and goes to sleep, so peaceful. I spoke to a midwife who had twins in the neonatal unit and she told me she discharged and came back all day so it's whatever I want to do. I said I'm going to try a bed downstairs and stay with baby, I can go for a walk or go and get dinner just to feel a bit more normal but sleep there. Hopefully I will feel better soon. I might try and get some support understanding everything that has happened and see if I feel any better in my mind. Thank you again for your support.

Congratulations. I had a very similar experience with dc1, long labour, pushing, failed forceps, emcs and a nicu stay. Be kind to yourself first. Next sleep is so important, I let myself get so exhausted I was seeing things, please try and avoid that. With the benefit of hindsight I should have used the time he was in nicu to recover/sleep so I was functioning when he came home. Make sure you eat as well. On many levels, I consider ds's birth to be the day we came home as a family.

I also found the birth trauma association useful. They have a website/Facebook page.

How are things going, OP? Thinking of you and baby X

@Dinosauratemydaffodils

Congratulations. I had a very similar experience with dc1, long labour, pushing, failed forceps, emcs and a nicu stay. Be kind to yourself first. Next sleep is so important, I let myself get so exhausted I was seeing things, please try and avoid that. With the benefit of hindsight I should have used the time he was in nicu to recover/sleep so I was functioning when he came home. Make sure you eat as well. On many levels, I consider ds's birth to be the day we came home as a family.

I also found the birth trauma association useful. They have a website/Facebook page.

So sorry that happened to you it's truly awful. The NICU stay is the worst part in my opinion. You think you have gotten through it all and then it gets worse.

@WoolyMammoth55

How are things going, OP? Thinking of you and baby X

Baby is getting better which is good but they're trying to tell us we HAVE to stay two nights to 'prove we can look after baby' otherwise they won't discharge. They're saying to me that we're not bonding but I sat with baby on me for 3 hours last night and baby KNOWS its me, whenever a midwife picks baby up baby doesn't care but with me it's different. I really just want to go home with baby. Antibiotics are finished tomorrow but I have a feeling they're going to try and keep me and DP there another night. It's tiring.

Thank you for asking by the way

Hi op, I think there might have been misunderstanding somewhere. Because the same thing happened to me. The first nurse I spoke to talked about training that was highly recommended, but she made it sound mandatory. I spoke to a different nurse who explained to me the training offered was highly recommended not mandatory. Which basically was watching a video about first aid. This was back in 2016, things might have changed but I found that video very informative but slightly boring and long. I would recommended for anyone to watch it. It might prove to be useful one day. That is if they are offering this.

The doctors decide who gets discharged, I would discuss that with them. What does the baby need to do to be discharged?

They say they need to know I'm ready before baby is discharged but baby is finishing antibiotics tomorrow so why can't I go home. They're trying to keep me here saying I'm not bonding with baby when I held baby for 3 hours last night and cuddled. It's draining me and it doesn't help with bonding when people say you aren't bonding. I need to be at home.

They're trying to keep me here saying I'm not bonding with baby when I held baby for 3 hours last night and cuddled. It's draining me and it doesn't help with bonding when people say you aren't bonding. I need to be at home.

I had a similar issue. Is it the midwives saying that?

Ask to speak to the midwife in charge of the ward, explain that you're feeling like you're in a goldfish bowl, hospital isn't helping you relax/sleep and you would prefer extra home visits from the community midwives along with an early discharge. Is your baby back on the ward with you now?