Non judgemental advice from older mums

[WheelsOffTheBus]

I don't know where to start and I guess I'm just reaching out to see if anyone out there has felt similar to me. Hoping for some non-judgemental advice.

I had my first baby this year, and she was born on my 41st birthday. Life circumstances meant I didn't meet my husband until later in life and so that's just how it happened for me. Before the baby, I was a very sporty, fit and healthy "young" 40 year old, and my DH is also younger than me. Overall, mentally I felt fit and full of vitality. I had a tough pregnancy made worse with the pandemic, and a c-section and my baby is now 4months old. Various issues with my c-section wound meant i wasn't up and about very soon. I realise I'm still in the recovery phase, although it's hard not to feel like I'm not making progress when all the stuff you read quotes "6 weeks" as being the recovery time.

Anyway, I love my baby and happy to have her, but I am feeling really rubbish within myself. A lot of it is rooted in my self esteem and how I look and feel and losing my "attractiveness". I know that sounds very shallow. I have suddenly aged what feels like 15 years. My hair has started going properly grey, and I have noticeably way more wrinkles and lines on my face. I have 2 stone of weight extra compared to my pre-pregnancy weight which really ages me, and my body is looking awful in the mirror. I'm still wearing massive sweat pants and due to semi lockdown there's little incentive to make an effort, but I find myself glad that I don't have to socialise as I'd feel embarrassed for people to see how much I've aged and put on weight.

When I get out of bed in the morning I feel about 80 - my joints are incredibly sore since the pregnancy and I've had terrible back pain. I'm no longer able to do any yoga due up my c-section, which I used to do every day and high impact exercise is also impossible. I wanted to swim but due to Covid it's not possible and walking is ok but I find I can't power walk like I used to with the baby and so I find it boring and don't go as long as I could.

In the evenings I've started drinking wine (not breast feeding as wasn't able to) and having one or two glasses most evenings which I know is a terrible idea. I just feel exhausted at the end of the day and like there's nothing to look forward to and a glass of wine gives me a momentary feeling if reward I suppose.

I feel like this lockdown (Tier 3) is the ideal time to invest in myself and lose weight as well as find a way to sort out my hair and my skin, but in reality every day is just a monotonous blur. Again I know it sounds so shallow when what's important is that I have a gorgeous baby and she is doing well. But if I'm honest I want to feel like myself and just having the baby is not enough. I feel like a blob.

Are there any older mums out there who have felt something similar? Is there anything I can do to help myself? Did you ever get back to feeling like you, abs feeling like you had your vitality back? Or is this it?

@WheelsOffTheBus

I don't know where to start and I guess I'm just reaching out to see if anyone out there has felt similar to me. Hoping for some non-judgemental advice.

I had my first baby this year, and she was born on my 41st birthday. Life circumstances meant I didn't meet my husband until later in life and so that's just how it happened for me. Before the baby, I was a very sporty, fit and healthy "young" 40 year old, and my DH is also younger than me. Overall, mentally I felt fit and full of vitality. I had a tough pregnancy made worse with the pandemic, and a c-section and my baby is now 4months old. Various issues with my c-section wound meant i wasn't up and about very soon. I realise I'm still in the recovery phase, although it's hard not to feel like I'm not making progress when all the stuff you read quotes "6 weeks" as being the recovery time.

Anyway, I love my baby and happy to have her, but I am feeling really rubbish within myself. A lot of it is rooted in my self esteem and how I look and feel and losing my "attractiveness". I know that sounds very shallow. I have suddenly aged what feels like 15 years. My hair has started going properly grey, and I have noticeably way more wrinkles and lines on my face. I have 2 stone of weight extra compared to my pre-pregnancy weight which really ages me, and my body is looking awful in the mirror. I'm still wearing massive sweat pants and due to semi lockdown there's little incentive to make an effort, but I find myself glad that I don't have to socialise as I'd feel embarrassed for people to see how much I've aged and put on weight.

When I get out of bed in the morning I feel about 80 - my joints are incredibly sore since the pregnancy and I've had terrible back pain. I'm no longer able to do any yoga due up my c-section, which I used to do every day and high impact exercise is also impossible. I wanted to swim but due to Covid it's not possible and walking is ok but I find I can't power walk like I used to with the baby and so I find it boring and don't go as long as I could.

In the evenings I've started drinking wine (not breast feeding as wasn't able to) and having one or two glasses most evenings which I know is a terrible idea. I just feel exhausted at the end of the day and like there's nothing to look forward to and a glass of wine gives me a momentary feeling if reward I suppose.

I feel like this lockdown (Tier 3) is the ideal time to invest in myself and lose weight as well as find a way to sort out my hair and my skin, but in reality every day is just a monotonous blur. Again I know it sounds so shallow when what's important is that I have a gorgeous baby and she is doing well. But if I'm honest I want to feel like myself and just having the baby is not enough. I feel like a blob.

Are there any older mums out there who have felt something similar? Is there anything I can do to help myself? Did you ever get back to feeling like you, abs feeling like you had your vitality back? Or is this it?

I'm not an older mum so maybe you might not want to hear from me, but I'm 26 and feel the exact same as you (although I definitely wasn't sporty before them) I feel like crap now and I know I look terrible, cba to make the effort. I think it's a mum thing to feel like you've aged too and probably differs depending on age. But remember she's still so young, it took 9 months to grow her so be kinder to yourself. I should probably take my own advice but you never do that haha!

I agree, I was 32 when I had my first still had 3 stone of extra weight on at 5months. Had back pain and numb feet until 8months. Back to normal at 1year! (Still have the weight from my second who is 4😳) Hard to get used to the changes in life straight after having a baby. It may be the adjustment is even harder the more years you’ve ‘been you’ if you see what I mean? You will get your health and vitality back though- you were fit and healthy before and you will be again, you’ve just been hit with the biggest thing your body will ever do, plus you’ve had an operation, and now you are not allowed to sleep, and we’re in a pandemic. 😬.In the future when you look back at this time you’ll think goodness me no wonder I was lethargic/unmotivated. All the best.

Same as PP, also not an older mum, but wow I relate to your post so much. If this is how younger mums are feeling too, you really shouldn't berate yourself so much, it's clearly a postnatal thing not an age one. Also had a c section and my baby is three months. I did a 10000 step walk at the weekend. It was a sedate walk with a friend and when I got in the car afterwards I smacked my ankle on the side of the car. My legs and hips were so achy and sore I didn't manage to lift my leg high enough to get in

I feel like a decrepit old lady. I was still mucking out horses three days before my section, but even climbing the stairs now I can feel the burn in my thighs. And my house only has one flight of stairs, we aren't talking many. It's like my body gave up on me when I went under the knife. I keep thinking I'll try some youtube yoga but I struggle to get the time, or if I do, I'm so achy beforehand I worry I'll get stuck in downward dog. I have done a couple postnatal core strengthening videos which include a modified side plank, can't do that without my body shaking violently either, and they say it's fine to crack on 6 weeks pp.

It's a cliche and everyone says it but I really think we have to give ourselves time and do it gently, we didn't get heavily pregnant over night. I'm trying to do little and often dog walks, even if it's 2 x 15 min walks a day. It's good to get me out of the house and I think it will help my joints start to cope a bit better instead of infrequent 10,000 step mooches round country parks. The wine won't help you lose the lbs but then I'm breastfeeding and that isn't helping me to lose any either, I feel like my body is just a bit stuck at the moment. Do you drink lots of water? That definitely helps my skin look better.

I also am not an older mum (was 29 was DS came along) but can absolutely relate to everything you're saying - I don't think it's necessarily related to age!

4 months is still so little, just be kind to yourself!! I didn't start feeling at all like myself again until DS was about 10 months old. Try to take little steps to build up your confidence and self esteem again - a family friend told me during a particularly blue time around 4 months that I needed to "fake it till you make it". How about:

• Going to the hairdresser and getting a nice colour/cut (is this allowed where you are?)

• Going on date night or a lunch date with your husband (you are allowed a childcare bubble - is there someone who could watch your daughter?)

• Make sure you shower and put proper clothes on every morning. No more trackies. Moisturise and clean your face (do you need to get some nice new products?)

• Try to start eating well - easier said than done sometimes. Do a week without the wine. Give your body a bit of a health kick.

• Get a personal trainer experienced in post-partum training (can you do this where you are, maybe even remote sessions?). Book a group of 10 sessions and commit to doing one a week. Hopefully they can give you some appropriate exercises to do in between.

Your body has done an amazing thing and you have a beautiful daughter now for life as a result. The early baby bit is so hard, but IMO they get sooooo much better once they are a bit more interactive. Don't beat yourself up, you will look back in a year and wonder where the time has gone.

I had my one and only at 38, by section.

Before pregnancy I'd been a regular gym goer and fit by office worker standards. I had a difficult pregnancy and so couldn't exercise and then the section, plus lack of energy from newborn sleeplessness and the general relentlessness if it.

I was desperate to start running again and my consultant gave me the go ahead at my six week check but I tried once and it felt so wrong! Everything was moving about and it was just awful. I didn't do anything that a bit of gentle Pilates at home for a long time after that. It took me a long time to get back to full fitness, although that was in part because I was working full time from 6 months and mornings and evenings had the choice between exercise or spending time with my baby and baby won.

4 months is still really early days - give yourself time.

It's really very hard becoming a mum. And it's even harder when you're older in my opinion because you've built up a nice life before children (I was 38 when I became a mum).

You have done something amazing by having a baby. Your body has grown another human and you have both come out of the other side alive and (mostly!) undamaged. Well done you (and your amazing, powerful body)!

I think the best advice is to be kind to yourself. Treat yourself like you would treat your best friend if she was going through what you are. Get some sleep. Eat healthy food (and unhealthy food!) Rest. Say nice things to yourself (if you wouldn't say it to your best friend, don't say it to yourself).

You will one day feel better. You will do yoga and exercise again. You will feel good about yourself again.

In the meantime, relax. We're in a pandemic - everyone is feeling fat, wearing sweatpants, drinking too much wine and not exercising. It's what happens when you're stressed. But it will pass (I promise).

Hi, I am 41 and also had my first baby in May. We struggled to have a baby- I had 4 miscarriages before this successful pregnancy- so I feel like I should be the happiest woman in the world, but it's not always like that.

The first hurdle I had was breastfeeding, it didn't work out at all and I still feel crap about that to be honest. I was reasonably active before I had my baby, I ran until I was about 14 weeks pregnant and then continued with yoga and swimming. Now, my back feels really stiff and sore all the time, one of my knees feels like it's packing it in already and I have a nice grey witch's streak at the front of my hair. I am also worried about my pelvic floor which is definitely not what it used to be! Which concerns me and I wonder if I will ever get back to running. I also get paranoid about my "mum tum" and feel fat. although as my sister says, I should be proud of it.

Covid lockdown is crap but I'd encourage you to be good to yourself and think about what you can do to help yourself feel better. I recently went for a massage and leg wax and felt amazing afterwards! A haircut also felt like a real treat! I have also enrolled in an online postnatal yoga course to try and help with my achy back and pelvic floor. It's just an hour a week but I really value having that time to myself and it's on an evening so I know my husband is home from work and can take care of baby.

Simple things also help - a nice long bath
Buy some new comfy clothes that are not sweat pants that you will enjoy wearing eg a casual dress. Have you been able to enrol in any baby classes? If you haven't I'd encourage you to do so as I really value the social contact with other mums. Also be warned some are crap! But if you try a few you'll hopefully find one or two you like.

I didn't start to feel motivated to do much until my baby was about 4 months so please don't be hard on yourself. I have accepted that it takes a lot longer to recover from birth than I thought- both mentally and physically. I thought I'd be back doing park run after 6 months but I think I'm a long way away from doing anything like that! Also I think when you are am older mum you will have lived an independent life for so long it's hard to accept all the changes a baby can bring- in particular the changes to your body which I think must hit harder than with a younger mum. But in time I think things will improve- it's just going to take a lot longer than I thought.

Take care xx

I’m older had my last at 40. Yes it’s normal. You do have to put in more effort but it’s doable!! It’s also very easy to look at yourself and feel horrible and it makes you want to give up. Don’t. You’re not past it at all, but I do really recommend trying to look nice everyday to start with, wear nice clothes, makeup etc. For you.
That’ll kick start you a bit. Then you can start thinking about diet and exercise etc.

Oh love. Your age has nothing to do with it. Your post is probably how most new mums feel. Be kinder to yourself.

every day is just a monotonous blur

Yeah, that's life under COVID controls!
Or with a little baby.
And you got both in your life right now.

Are you sure about no yoga? There must be special yoga for ladies who had C-sections. Sorting out the backache would help a lot.

I had three babies in my early forties. I have aged about a hundred years, I think.

@WheelsOffTheBus - I’m 33 & I feel exactly the same !! My son is 4 months & I love him to bits but I feel like I’ve lost my sparkle. I’m 2 stone heavier then pre pregnancy & it’s really getting me down. My body looks nothing like it used to, the saggy tummy is hard to look at, never mind the car crash that’s my lady bits! I have started walking a lot & being a lot more active but the weight isn’t shifting. I think being a new mum is really hard, no matter how old you are.

I'm an older mum and had my first at 35 and second at 40. I can totally relate to what you are saying. After my first, it took me a long time to "feel like me" again... literally months. Pregnancy and childbirth were a massive shock to the system and my body didn't feel like my own. I didn't realise it at the time but in retrospect, I clearly had PND/ anxiety. It can manifest in so many different ways. Could this be the case with you? Do you have any baby-free time where you can indulge a hobby? Not necessarily fitness related but something that you take pleasure in. Then just take small steps towards getting yourself back... book a hair appointment, go for a massage etc. Motherhood is a massive adjustment to make and in my experience it took a long time. I'm still carrying too much weight and wonder whether I'll ever get back to where I was before kids. I feel like I've lost my looks (not that I ever really had them) and that the lack of sleep has aged me immeasurably. But then I start to plan how I might get my confidence back in small steps. You will get there. I think maybe consider speaking to your GP also if you think there might be an element of PND