I love my baby but I don't feel like shes mine

[AnonymousNurse]

Hello all. My baby is 6 weeks old and I am desperately in love with her. She really brings me joy and I love looking after her and all of her little mannerisms, but I don't feel like she is mine. I just can't shake the feeling that someone is going to come take her away, like shes on loan or something. When I look at her I'm filled with love, it's a love deeper than anything I've ever felt before but I don't see her as mine.

I keep waiting for it to sink in, I can see some family resemblance in her but she does look alot like her dad. She was an IVF baby and this was a very long road getting here, maybe that's a factor? I just feel like I have this stranger almost, who I love, but any day now her real mam or someone is going to come and take her away. I then start to feel almost a sense of loss. I take loads of photos and part of me almost thinks its to remember her by?! I'm also struggling with how fast she is growing. Rather than seeing the changes as exciting they make me really sad, again like a weird feeling of loss.

I'm so confused. Has anyone experienced this before?

Hello there. Congratulations on your baby!

What you describe sounds related to the stress and trauma of infertility/IVF tbh. Those years of longing, dashed hope, renewed hope, worry, anxiety, uncertainty, grief etc etc etc don't just disappear if you eventually have a baby unfortunately. Your baby doesn't rub out all the pain that you went through to get here.

It might be worth talking to your GP and/or Health Visitor about your thoughts and feelings. There may be a local service eg support group that could help.

Sounds like the sort of headmash that comes after long years of infertility.

I’ve experienced similar with mine.

Spend some time getting to know her. Cuddle, skin to skin, observe her, coo at her. You're her world. Motherhood can bring up all sorts of funny feelings, but bonds grow from time and attention.

I felt similar with my DS1. I didn’t even love him at first. I felt like I was just babysitting him. I cared for him in the same way I'd look after any baby, but there was just no big feelings for him. I felt like the babysitter until he was 4 months old and suddenly it all seemed to click into place.

I had him by c-section under GA and it was like I was hugely pregnant then blinked and there was a sleeping baby next to me that they said was mine. I've always wondered if that led to those feelings.

I can definitely relate to this and, speaking to friends, I don't think it's that unusual at all especially if it's been a hard journey to get there. I remember thinking DS was like an alien for the first few weeks/months. At some point it does gradually shift and all of a sudden you realise that you're completely bonded with this little person. I think, for me, it was as more of his personality began to emerge and he seemed more real.

Could you talk to your doctor about this? It could be the start of PND. Don't forget that even if you think this, in your daughter's mind you are very much hers! At the moment she doesn't even know there's a difference between you two, she feels so close to you.

What you're feeling is completely normal!
Even now, my dd is 10 and I still sometimes look at her and think 'how is she mine?' I too feel sad sometimes at how she's growing. I suspect that I had PND and I think this is why I don't have any of her firsts written down. I regret that.

Thank you for responding everyone, and for all your kind words. It makes me feel better knowing it's not just me. I did wonder about PND but I suppose I ruled it out as I do have this major love and happiness, it's just laced with a sense of impermanence and finality.

The infertility most likely is having an impact, as much as I hate to admit it. I wish I could just give my head a shake and enjoy this time with her rather than being so in my head all the time!

I like what you wrote @HollowTalk I am hers. That's a really good way to look at it. ♡

Thanks again, I'll maybe try talk to someone about it. Without sounding like a complete idiot !

I had this with one of mine. The only one born under GA so maybe that was related. I felt a very definite fierce love towards her but I didn’t feel like she was mine, I felt like if someone turned up from the hospital and said “oops mistake, we’ll be taking this baby back now” I’d have been devastated but not surprised.

It wore off with time, and nobody ever did come to get her so I think she’s mine to keep

I lost consciousness on the operating table and felt exactly the same with dc1. I was told trauma/stressful experiences around children/childbirth made it fairly common by the psychiatrist I ended up in front of. In my case it was flashbacks to a previous trauma just before I passed out but I imagine infertility would tick the box too.

By the 6 month mark, I stopped panicking everytime the doorbell rang. Definitely have a chat with your GP/HV.

I know exactly what you mean. My first was born by emcs under ga after several years of IF and 3 IVF treatments and after a miscarriage at 11 weeks. I woke up no longer pregnant, was wheeled to my room (not uk realise I was lucky to have a private room) and then they wheeled in a baby and said this ones yours. It was a very detached experience. I loved her and was very protective of her but I remember that feeling of unsureness and was she really mine after all the struggle to get there. I couldn't quite believe it. My second was elective c section but I was awake and he cried when he was born. I spoke to him as he was being checked over and he immediately stopped crying and listened. And was brought straight over to me. Very different. They're both grown now, first has just left for uni. They've been stuck with me all these years 😊 definitely mine 😊

I know exactly what you mean. My first was born by emcs under ga after several years of IF and 3 IVF treatments and after a miscarriage at 11 weeks. I woke up no longer pregnant, was wheeled to my room (not uk realise I was lucky to have a private room) and then they wheeled in a baby and said this ones yours. It was a very detached experience. I loved her and was very protective of her but I remember that feeling of unsureness and was she really mine after all the struggle to get there. I couldn't quite believe it. My second was elective c section but I was awake and he cried when he was born. I spoke to him as he was being checked over and he immediately stopped crying and listened. And was brought straight over to me. Very different. They're both grown now, first has just left for uni. They've been stuck with me all these years 😊 definitely mine 😊

I felt like this with my DTs who are also ivf babies. I knew I loved them, I know they were my babies, but I just didn’t feel like I was their mother until they were about 12 weeks old. It was quite weird, it just hit me one day that I was their mum. The feeling of mad overwhelming love came later than that, and I did/do have pnd and was traumatised from the ivf.

I can relate to this. Rainbow baby arrived 3 weeks ago after 3 miscarriages, and I’m still not quite believing he’s really here and I get to keep him x

Yes I had this (and subsequently diagnosed with pnd and ptsd). I had an emcs, and although I was awake, I went into a bit of a ‘I’m not really here’ state during the op- I was terrified- and then spent the next six months trying to feel like my son was really mine.
It could be a PND, or traumatic birth thing BUT from talking to other friends who didn’t have any pnd, it also is quite common by the sounds of it. And I think some people are more troubled by it than others. Do you think you could benefit from chatting to someone, a therapist? Even if you’re not experiencing mental ill health, it might be helpful just to chat through the pregnancy and birth.
I think the truth is- most births are traumatic to some degree and a lot of women have this feeling. It actually makes a lot of sense- when you think about it rationally it seems crazy that you created a human! I personally couldn’t get my head round it and was amazed at other women who acted so nonchalantly about it, like it was totally normal to create and keep another human. Really, it’s mad!
Take good care of yourself- these feelings do fade in time. I think I expected things to fall into place instantly, but really, I’ve ‘grown’ into a mother, over two years. Take care x

Thank you for replying everyone. Seems the consensus is that this is normal especially after a traumatic birth and IVF.

@GoldenOmber spot on! That's exactly how I feel. Very strange.

Congratulations @Littlegoth hope you are enjoying these first few precious weeks!

@MuchTooTired good to know that feeling kicked in for you! I'm sure the IVF plays a huge role in the massive head mash of finally having a little one

@Anewmum2018 I think you're right, every birth must carry some level of trauma. Mine was tough and long, everything I didnt want to happen happened. That being said I never had a rigid plan so went with the flow. Still struggling with healing which compounds things I think.

My HV and GP aren't great, I really don't want to jump back into a therapy cycle but think I'll have to if this feeling doesn't lift. Do you mind asking if you sought therapy? It's harder when we have a rough day with colic or crying, but I know that's normal.

I agree its mad making a human like! Almost unbelievable!

@AnonymousNurse yep I had some really good trauma focussed cbt, as well as compassion focussed therapy for the pnd (was quite ill for a while). Would really recommend either, has made a big difference to how I view motherhood and the expectations I had.
But the main thing I guess is, just go easy on yourself, and don’t beat yourself up for how you feel. Feelings are not facts- they will change. X