Newborn help?

[blvdbrokendreams]

I have a 2 week and 3 days old daughter. She was born 3 weeks early. She stopped growing inside the womb so we induced at 37 weeks.

I have a couple of issues I hoped someone could help. She likes to be clean before she eats. She takes about 50-70 mil of formula milk per feed and its every 2 and a half hours . So she will not eat unless she's got a clean nappy. She spits and plays with the teat no matter how hungry she is if the nappy is dirty. So by the time she is clean she's so worked up she wont take the bottle anyway. It feels like a battle i can't win. Any suggestion?

Secondly I feel so useless. My husband is so natural with her and i feel like I'm putting on the fake happy voice when I talk to her. I love her but I don't feel happy around her. I feel anxious. I feel absolutely useless. She screams being changed. She screams being unchanged. She screams before feeding and sometimes I feel like I'm forcing the teat in her mouth until she actually realises hey im hungry. I sometimes pass her to my husband and then I feel even more useless.

Sorry for the rant. Any suggestions are great cos I feel like I'm drowning

Oh sweetheart, 2 weeks isn't long. She still teeny tiny and you went through birth onky 2 weeks ago. Cut yourself some slack. If these feelings you're having continue beyond another 2 weeks then maybe seek some help from your go or health visiting team.
With regards to the nappies, it seems quite clear to me but in the post lnatal fog it may not be screaming out at you... Just change her before you feed her?! I think I did that with ds for a fair few months.
We all feel like we are shoving the bottle at them sometimes, don't worry. It's such a huge shock having a baby. Sometimes you need to hold the teat there because they don't realise if they stop screaming then the food is there! We used to call infacol 'shut up juice' because it helped colic but because it was given before a feed it did shut the screaming up for long enough to make the bottle!!

You're doing really well. You will be a natural at it you just don't see that in yourself as easiiky as you do in your husband

I didn't want to read and run and I don't have any tips on formula feeding but just an idea on bonding with her, how about a warm bath together?

Having a baby is a massive shock, be kind to yourself x

@Phillymouse what a great idea. We usually bath her in a baby bath but I'm just running myself one. Don't know why I thought I couldn't stick her in with me. She loves water. It makes her go all floaty

@Pearsapiece thank you for that. I feel lost. I was discharged the same day as the birth. I had an episiotomy and she came early hours of the morning and we were home same evening. I dont have a clue what I'm doing. We do try to change her before a feed but its hard to see her so hysterical. I'm glad someone else holds the bottle in the mouth. Then I stupidly googled it and it said I could make her scared of me and the bottle and now I'm terrified of that. I'm going to have a bath with her. And see how that goes

I’m sure you’re doing a great job! At this age they change all the time and you might well have forgotten this weeks issues by next week. Be kind to yourself and know that even though every day feels long, it will pass.

You will get there @blvdbrokendreams even if you don't feel like you have instincts, you do and you're using them without realising it. Of course she won't be scared of you! My top tip is take it easy, give yourself some breathing space and know that a good mother is one who cares. She doesn't necessarily come in the form of a fairy with all the patience, answers and rattles to wave

Maybe try and change her nappy a bit earlier than you usually would, so she's got some time to settle before she feeds? So if you usually feed her at 12, for example, change her nappy ten mins before, settle her, then feed her.

DD was the same and loved having a clean nappy before a feed. And DS loves a clean nappy to poop in even now, and he's almost 3, so it continues on.

And, if the anxiety is still there after another few weeks, speak to your midwife/health visitor. Post natal depression is more commonly known, but post natal anxiety isn't always talked about/mentioned, and I absolutely know what that's like and it can be awful.

Be kind to yourself. You're both learning what this new life is all about at the same time. It does get easier

A couple or weeks ago I was feeling the same way. One way I found that helped me and my DS bond was skin to skin. When he was calm I'd strip him to his nappy and place him underneath my top and watch telly/zone out and relax for awhile. I was so convinced that he wouldnt bond with me as much because I wasnt breastfeeding but it couldn't be further from the truth now. He is 12 weeks old and we are a little team.
Baby massage is also really good for bonding and I try to do a little after his nappy change or bath. He loves when I massage his legs in particular.
But with all of this aside just trust yourself. You had a difficult birth from the sounds of it and have been thrust into caring for this tiny little thing without being able to fully recover
mentally/physically. You kept her safe and healthy for 9months, your voice and smell will be so soothing to her even if it doesnt feel like that right now. Remember she is also trying to figure all this out too and is learning to deal with new sensations everyday. The two of ye will learn together and will soon forget the struggles of the first couple of weeks. I remember telling my DH at the 3 week mark that I was never having anymore - now I'm thinking when can we try again!

@babbafett i definitely will try the baby massage. Sounds like it really helps your little boy. I talk to her pretty much all the time but feel like its pointless when shes screaming at me. I definitely love her but it's intermixed with a very deep anxiety.

My first baby was like this or rather I felt like this when he was tiny and it made me more and more anxious and tense which was a vicious circle. But honestly it all worked out ok and he was a very contented baby by about 8 weeks and we have a lovely relationship now.
It sounds as if you are a great mum as PP said because you care so much. You've got this !

The anxiety is scary, it still rears its head for me from time to time. Its worth talking to your public health nurse or gp. I did a preemptive call with my gp and discussed options if it got worse or didn't pass. Luckily it did but now I know what will happen if it gets bad and what path l can take to feel better. That alone can be a weight over your shoulders

I felt like my baby's caretaker up to about 8 weeks and she started interacting a little. I loved her but it didn't feel how i thought it would. I also formula fed and held the teat in/ near her mouth until she realised she was hungry.
Also, i didn't expect a formula fed baby to cluster feed(thought it was only breastfed babies) but she definitely did and was a relief to realise it.
You're doing great,as others have said you had a baby less than three weeks ago, your body is still going through changes and adjustments so definitely cut yourself some slack xx

Oh another tip about taking the bottle when upset is I would bring the teat to his nose instead of his mouth just as if he was breastfeeding. This seemed to work as he would open and lift his mouth to the bottle.

I have an 11 week old and she used to scream whenever I changed her nappy. Then I'd try to feed her and she'd refuse the bottle (turned out she had really bad reflux) I used to sing to her while I was crying because I felt so shitty. I wanted to post to say, it all changes; it changes every day. Now my baby talks to me and smiles the most when I change her and it's all getting so much better. It's hard to imagine anything other than what you're dealing with just now but honestly it gets easier everyday. In 2 months you'll look back at this time and think how much easier it's gotten. Be kind to yourself, you've just had a big shock to the system and you're doing amazing xx

Oh lovie please stop being hard on yourself.

I was ‘super maternal’ and was desperate to be a mum, then DS arrived and honestly I think he was at least 10-12 weeks before anything felt normal, natural or nice. I felt awkward and for so long. It’s normal, I think for new mums it’s very often a ‘fake it till you make it’ x

• awkward and anxious

It'll get easier just keep persevering. Some babies just SCREAM during the "fourth trimester" it's normal and even more so if your baby is prem . I took my baby to A&E at 3w as he was so inconsolable for days on end & everyone around me told its "not normal" . Turns out it was, for him. ( He was my second by the way so not new to this malarkey )
Let your husband take the baby when he can , try to get the rest you need when you can.
Repeat to self whenever a horrible thought enters your head : My baby absolutely loves me & I'm doing the best I can for us.

Thank you everyone one for your helpful advice and kind comments. I am definitely still recovering from the birth. And I feel like i should be superwoman and have it all together. I am under the perinatal team for mental health and was thru the pregnancy. I had an awful pregnancy. Lots of episodes of reduced movement episodes and ended up induced due to her dropping to the third percentile. I definitely haven't processed the pregnancy or the birth. I have just had a bath with her and a baby massage which was lovely then she decided to chew my hair and wee on the bed. I'm going to speak to my therapist and mention what's going on. Thank you for the kind comments. I needed to hear it. I love her so much, hopefully this anxiety eases

Glad having a bath helped a bit, it's finding little ways like that to help but it's all a learning curve.

Another thing is did was to sing my baby a couple of songs over and over so she knew they were "hers" and I would do tickle face whilst singing them, so when she did kick off I could "deploy" said song and tickle face Lol. Something like "you are my sunshine" or "baby mine" from dumbo