Terrified of my little girl dying

[Belle82]

Hi,

I have a real problem, when my little girl was born I had bad anxiety, I would have fears that my child would die young or that for any reason my little girl was going to be taken away from me because I had these terrible intrusive thoughts and if anyone knew they would take my little girl from me.

I didn’t realise it for a long time, she was almost two before I really realised and did something about it. Saw my old counsellor and she helped me.

During the lock down we found out that my daughter has epilepsy, passed down from me.
I have a great great deal of guilt & the bad thoughts of her dying are back, my intrusive thoughts are of her funeral and not being able to live another day without her, I refuse to even entertain the idea.
I am seeing my counsellor again next month (earliest I could get into see her).

We are looking to have our second at sometime soon, as we’re not getting any younger. But one thought that makes me feel sick is the thought that when I have my next, and if my little girl then goes, I will have to live without my little girl and with the pain for the rest of my life and I just can’t let myself imagine that life.

Please tell me I’m not alone in these fears?
I hate intrusive thoughts so much and I desperately do not want my little girl to experience any anxiety due to my own. I try to shield her from my thoughts as much as I possibly can.

I just feel lost.

Oh lovely, I didn’t want to read and run. I had these thought with my son, but I was diagnosed with depression and PTSD after about 10months following a traumatic birth which was where my intrusive thoughts stemmed from. Might be helpful if you could find out the ‘root’ of yours? I think you prob sound like you might need a bit of help/ support with it and maybe start with your GP while you’re waiting on your counsellor? Be kind to yourself in the mean time and try to go back to basics. If I feel like this I always have to go over my check list: sleep enough, eat to nourish my body and get out in to nature for a walk even if it’s just 10 mins a day. And hugs for you, it’s exhausting to worry so much

Op bumping for you. So sorry you feel this way, I've been there and still am to some extent, it's horrific.
Hope someone has got something helpful to add and they come along soon.
Love and hugs and solidarity xx

Ah OP, take a squeeze this is so common it hurts my head that there isn't more awareness about it included in pregnancy and post natal info.

It doesn't mean it will happen again but if it does, recognise it and nip it in the bud early by talking about it and asking for help. I had a terrible time with that sort of shit with my first but she was a traumatic birth. My other 2 weren't and I was fine. No idea if there's a connection though. Just keep talking.

@Xiaohei
Thank you so much, I definitely haven’t been taking care of myself enough.
Unfortunately only god 4 hrs sleep the other night and 5 hours the night after.
Had a proper sleep last night so do feel a bit better.
Looking forward to seeing my counsellor again soon, she’s a lady I trust implicitly.
Thank you again for your kind message.

@pollylocketpickedapocket
Thank you very much, so sorry you’re going through this too.
I hate my brain sometimes for giving me these terrible thoughts.

@gamerchick, thank you. That helps me hearing that it may not be the same with the next baby.

I’m sorry to hear about your birth experience, that must have been hard to move past.

I definitely will get help much earlier if it happens again, when they first started they were just crippling. 😔

Intrusive thoughts are horrid. I had shocking ones when dd was born, I actually thought I had something wrong with me.

Sadly many many people have them.

Hope your feeling better today

I had thoughts like these with DD1. I used to lie awake at night thinking of how to minimise risks throughout the next day to ensure she was safe. It got to the point where I became so controlling and fearful I didnt want anyone else holding and i would feel extreme panic that someone wouldnt be as careful as me and drop her and she would die. I started to even not trust DH! I thought of how I would take my own life if something happened to her. I was convinced I couldn't be lucky enough to get to have her in my life long term. I thought eventually, she would be taken from me in some way. I was diagnosed with Post natal psychosis. I received some on the phone mental health help but I was scared of people taking her so I refused CBT. I eventually sort of managed it myself and she is 21 months now. It still creeps in but I can talk myself around.

I am pregnant with DD2 now, due November. I am being so much more open with DH and my family. My parents knew nothing last time. They are gathering around me to support when the baby comes. There NEEDS to be more care for mother post natal. Nobody ever checked on me. I was just left. The mental health team even took 3 weeks to ring me initially.

People have told me with DC2 is may not happen as I am more aware of it, DH is more aware, and basically my brain has done this before and can rationalise better. I have my fingers crossed for both of us. Its a very dark place to be. Surround yourself with those who you love who can help you. Let DP help.

I really feel for you but you are not alone! I had terrible unimaginable thoughts when I first had my little girl. I had post natal and got counselling for it. Funnily enough these awful thoughts are actually just reinforcing how much you love her and reminding yourself how devastated you would be if anything were to happen to her. I was ashamed to tell the counsellor my thoughts at first but once I felt more comfortable she didn’t even bat an eyelid. The more you try and block them out unfortunately it doesn’t help, apparently the trick is to acknowledge them and go about your day and not let yourself become panicked or frantic about them - apparently it’s some form of OCD. Pregnant a second time round and I’m already terrified I’m going to die in child birth and it’s going to take me away from my little girl but it’s important to not to focus on the ‘what ifs’ and focus on the chances of all these hypothetical things being really slim x

Thank you so much too all of you lovely ladies for responding, had a bit of a low day today, I would have about an hour of playing and having fun and then I would remember my daughter has epilepsy and my stomach would sink.
Then when doing housework / laundry feel like I’m failing her.
I think this is all building up as she’ll be starting nursery for the first time in two weeks and it will be the first time anyone but people I know have looked after her. Just don’t know how that’s going to be 😔
Thank you so much for all your help and advice though really means a lot.xx

If its any help, my post natal psychosis was made a lot worse by the idea of my DD going to nursery and people not looking after her as well as me.

In reality, she LOVED it! She is very happy going in the morning. We have had no issues. You will worry, but the likelihood is she will be better than fine.

I hope speaking to your counsellor helps with these thoughts.

@SqidgeBum
Thank you so much I’m hoping that’s the case for our little girl, she gave me about 5 hours sleep last night so feeling quite fragile today :(

Could I ask how what it was about how you were feeling that gave you the PP psychosis diagnosis rather than PPD/A
I’ve had intrusive thoughts and worries about people looking after her like you but I was diagnosed with PPD. PP psychosis is something that worries me for the next baby?

Thank you again

I dont really know to be honest. I think because my thoughts were pretty extreme (I would rather not go into detail but lets just say I thought the very worst of the people closest to me and I totally convinced myself that these thoughts were reality) the doc diagnosed me with psychosis. I was very reluctant to speak to the doc or the mental health team so I didnt ask many questions about my diagnosis. I kind of just focused on trying to convince them I was ok because I was afraid of them taking DD. This time around, I will be asking a lot more questions and talking a lot more ..... I hope.

NHS Perinatal Mental Health Services have really improved in the last couple of years in a lot of areas. It might be worth contacting your local one in advance so they can support you when you’re pregnant with your next baby.

Thank you so much to everyone who responded. I saw my counsellor and she always has a way of bringing me back to reality. I’m so grateful to have her in my life x

You're def not alone. I suffer from this too. Every night before I go to sleep I torment myself with scenarios that I could lose my dd in. Sometimes it occupies me in the day. She's nearly 7. My mum just says the worry is the price you pay for the love. It's very hard though.

Thank you so much for all your kind responses. I felt the need to share with this post in case any mums are feeling the same way after their birth. I have only just started to feel better and my daughter is two years and eight months.
The reason I feel this much better is because I’m going through IVF and I’m on a high dose of progesterone. The progesterone has returned me to my normal self to a certain extent.
There are apparently studies I was never told about that women who have previously suffered anxiety and intrusive thoughts before birth are 68 to 87% likely to get them once your babies has been born. Please speak to your GP or doctor about this if you’re feeling the same as I did, The thought of any other mother going through what I went through for over 2 1/2 years is soul destroying. Apparently the study shows that the women who had progesterone suppositories and possibly progesterone injections for two months following the birth chances of their intrusive thoughts and anxiety dropped to 10% instead of the 67% chance.
If any new parents are feeling the same as this and I’ve suffered this for as long as I have please speak to your doctor don’t suffer this silence. If anyone ever wanted to talk to me about this if they’re suffering the same please reach out to me I have been more than happy to help at all I must go through this xx

I’m really glad to hear you are doing so well and I wish you and yours all the best for the future with the IVF and your family. Hugs to you all xx