I think I have PND and I can't cope

[LilaBard05]

NC for obvious reasons.

DD is 16 weeks old and she cries all the time. All. The. Time. If she's not feeding or sleeping, she's crying. I get maybe ten minutes a day of her being calm and smiling and then the howling starts again for no reason. I try cuddling her but she doesn't want it. I try carrying her in a sling and she just screams and claws at my chest. We have no family life because of her. I dread waking up in the morning because every day is just a relentless endurance test of misery.

She wasn't like this at the beginning. She seemed like a really easy baby for the first 7/8 weeks and then something changed and she's just got worse and worse. I was just about keeping my head above water but then two weeks ago DH was made redundant and that has pushed me over the edge.

Every time she cries it's like a knife stabbing into my skull. My body seizes up and it's like I shut down. She's my second baby (I have a 4 year old DS as well) so it's not like I wasn't prepared for the reality of having an infant but things were never this hard with DS. This morning it got so bad I put her in her Moses basket, went upstairs to calm myself down, and ended up self-harming, hitting myself in the face and scratching my arm with nail scissors. I haven't self-harmed in years but it helped, I felt calmer afterwards, and I went back down to her. But I know I can't let that become my coping strategy.

I don't want to go to the GP. There's no point. There is no support available because of Covid and I don't want to go on antidepressants. I tried taking Sertraline when I was pregnant (I had high anxiety due to having recurrent miscarriage before conceiving DD) and I had a really bad reaction to it, vomiting uncontrollably for hours. I tried taking Citalopram years ago as well but had to come off it after three months because it turned me into a zombie. I was on Fluoxetine about 7 years ago which was okay but there's no way I could deal with the side effects of the first few weeks when I have two children to look after.

DH is helping as much as he can (he's taken her out for a walk now) but he has his own stress with the redundancy and now looking for work in the middle of a pandemic and recession.

I do love her but I don't like her. I feel sick typing that but it's the truth. We fought so hard to have her and she was such a wanted baby but I never imagined I could feel this bad. I know it won't be like this forever but I don't know how to make it through.

Are you a SAHM or are you on mat leave? Could you go back early? Could you go to the gp but about her not you and see if it’s something like a diary allergy, an issue with colic etc? There’s lots more I could say to help but I just don’t want to make things worse by assuming your circumstances.

This is an emergency situation OP. Your DH needs to step up and do the childcare for a few weeks to get you through the side effects of the fluoxetine. I've been there, I know exactly how you're feeling. And you will get through this. But you need to get on some medication to help. It will change everything, I promise. I feel so so sorry for you OP, having a high needs baby (maybe silent reflux? dairy allergy?) and PND is absolutely hellish.

Both previous posters give excellent advice.

You need practical help, advice on medication to make you feel stronger, and a big big hug.

MN will give you all the (virtual) hugs and encouragement you need, but only your GP, HV, DH and family/friends can give you the rest. Have you told anyone on RL how you're feeling? Have you sought help from HV about DD being so restless?

You've got a hell of a lot on your plate OP. I really feel for you. Please ask for support so that you can start to enjoy your little baby.

You need help

Also DD needs assessing for silent reflux, my 3rd was the same - she was fine until 6/7 weeks and then the screaming started. It was horrific.

HV said "oh a touch of colic is it" My poor baby slept (passed out I reckon) for 6 hours out of 24 and the rest of the time screamed unless being fed.

Just to add, I had severe PND with my wee girl (who had a dairy allergy and silent reflux and also screamed for the majority of the first 3 months of her life and NEVER napped!) and thanks to fluoxetine I made a full recovery. I went from attempting suicide (thankfully saved by my HV) to adoring my little girl within the space of 6 months and it's got better and better since there. I never thought I could get better. But I did and you will too.

Hi OP,

please speak to your health visitor or GP for an emergency referral. You have depression and were already in a high risk category - were you on the high risk team with your ante natal care? Please feel free to PM me for more direct support. I am not aware of what is available in the UK as I work in Ireland. Also please ask your DH to step in and mind the children.

Can you talk to the mental health team at the hospital where you gave birth? You should be able to access full psychiatric and psychological care until the baby is 6 months old.

You poor poor thing. Please don't think there is no help out there. Perinatal mental health teams exist, speak to your health visitor or GP about being referred. If you say you are self-harming that should hopefully mean you meet eligibility criteria. If that help us not available to you, there are perinatal mental health charities that can support you- Cocoon for example have free online support groups for parents and also offer individual therapy sessions. If you want to pm me with your location I can have a think about local services for you.

You have my huge sympathies OP - my second baby was like this and it really did a number on my mental health. After months of him screaming for hours on end the GP finally accepted this wasn’t normal and referred him for investigations. He was eventually diagnosed with reflux and cows milk protein allergy and was like a different child once on appropriate milk and medication. Crying to the degree you describe is not normal and I really urge you to get your gp to investigate. Make a diary of his crying spells over the space of a few days and take videos if you can.

It is not suprising you are at breaking point and I remember it well. Please please talk to your GP and health visitor as a matter of urgency. There will be other antidepressants they can try if necessary, and if sertraline is the only appropriate one (ie you are breastfeeding) then they can prescribe you anti-sickness meds to get you through the first few days / weeks in the event it makes you sick again. Talk talk talk to your family and friends and confide in them. There is also an organisation called CRY-sis (apologies I don’t have details but you can google) who have a helpline for mothers dealing with the stress of a screaming baby.

Finally, if you find yourself reaching the end of your tether, put your baby in its cot, shut the door and walk away while you calm down. I love my baby with every fibre of my being but during the worst of the crying episodes I understood how people could get to the point where they lose control and shake their babies. No health professional should ever underestimate the impact that prolonged and sustained daily crying has on a parent.

Hugs from afar and a promise that you will get through this and come out the other side.

Thank you everyone. I've reached out to my health visitor and she's going to call tomorrow to talk about DD's issues.

I will tell her I'm struggling but I really, really don't want to go on antidepressants. The thought of dealing with the side effects terrifies me. I also co-sleep with DD which I wouldn't be able to do, which would just mean she wouldn't sleep. But I'll see if there's any non-medication support out there.

That's smashing news. I'm so pleased she's calling you tomorrow.
Try to be as open as possible, work with her to find a way to get you through this as quickly as possible.

Well done Lila

It is of course your decision but do remember that they're available. For me PND was so primal and chemical that only medication to reset that balance would have worked. I do understand your reluctance though.

Do talk to your HV, there may be helplines that you can ring or some socail distancing help. I know locally there is a group aimed at mums withpnd but it may not be on. She may give you some info on coping strategies as well.

We had similar with my third baby. Turns out he had a milk allergy and was screaming so much because of a poorly tummy and being in pain. Was fine for the first few weeks then developed after that. We ended up going through many different milks that took the cows milk protein out and with the milk that had none in at all, that was when ds was fine. Wish we had realised sooner. Maybe speak to the hv as to whether that is a possibility. Also, try and get some time to yourself, I know it's hard with a baby but hopefully it will help.

Well done OP, I hope the visit went well to-day.

My daughter was admitted to a Mother & Baby mental health unit on Monday, 3 weeks after giving birth.

A highly competent ER & Critical Care Vet (I mention that only to establish coping skills) I cannot tell you how devastating it has been to see this illness take her over. She had a difficult birth and to some extent her pregnancy was not the easiest, perpetual sickness, high blood pressure and because of COVID she had to work from home on video consulting, cut off from work colleagues and friends.

COVID has been a huge contributing factor in mental health illness across all sectors not just PND

What didn’t help;

1. 6 different MD/HW each giving different advice.

One of the triggers for her off the scale anxiety is feeding. She had to give up breast feeding. Baby does well being fed the “old fashioned” way a break after every couple of ounces, no break and she throws everything back. Professional voices telling her yes, stop, others no give her the full amount, babies don’t need burping and if she brings it up it doesn’t matter???

2. Doctor Google!!! There were many other things of course.

If you or someone you love is obviously struggling then please work hard to get them help. I did, I screamed from the rafters!

Whilst partners are the first line of help and involvement, Mothers should not be excluded. I know my daughter better than anyone else on this planet. 4 days, 4 weeks or in my case 40 years, we have an instinct about our children that never leaves and we could be key in supporting and recovery. I know my daughter was torn between reaching out to me and not upsetting her partner, I did my best to help balance that for him but could see that his behavior only added to her distress.

These situations are not a competition for supremacy or control, a young Mum’s health and well being as well as her relationship with baby is paramount, please park egos and self ..,this illness is not about you.

Above all please don’t suffer in silence, you know when you or someone you love is suffering, help is available you may have to fight to get the right help at the right time but don’t give up.

It’s not a broken leg, you can’t see a broken mind but it can be mended.