Sorry you went through that, OP. That is very tough, but you did a great job! After the first 2-3 days, the BF thing offers diminishing returns, so you‘ll have given your babies the majority of the benefit of it.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I think I might have had this when I had DD last year.
It’s hard to describe the feeling of absolute bottomless sadness, but I certainly had it. It was very strongly correlated to both BF (for about 7 days) and especially to pumping (for 6 weeks). I had a lot of milk and DD was EBF for those 6 weeks, via expressed milk, because of undiagnosed tongue tie that took a while to fix. I even once summoned DH home from work, while hooked up to my double pump, because “everything was just awful” and when he got home 45 minutes later I didn’t really know what was so bad about it all. 🙈 I eventually convinced myself that maybe it was because being plugged into a pump you are just still with your thoughts and it’s the time for it all to catch up with you, but that explanation never felt good enough as this didn’t also happen in the bath, for example.
I can’t prove it wasn’t PND or “baby blues”, though I was closely monitored for both because of antenatal depression (which this also didn’t resemble) and nothing like PND or “baby blues” was ever picked up. It was far more fleeting, but no less affecting.
I eventually stopped expressing for similar reasons to you - DH and I agreed it was just making me miserable in these random bursts and I wasn’t sure why. Once I stopped, I was immediately noticeably happier and my mood was steady again. I even said to other mums that no one seems to talk about how much happier and more like yourself you feel once you stop, they all looked at me blankly. But I really felt that way!
It definitely wasn’t guilt or things like that for me. I was very relaxed about whether we BF or FF before the birth, we prepared for both and I was reassured by studies that while BF is v beneficial for lots of reasons, formula isn’t as poor a choice as some say. Like you, it wasn’t anything to do with those sorts of feelings. Though I certainly had/have those about other things!
I did also grieve BF a bit, even though it hurt and was marred by midwives being awful and judgemental in hospital. I missed a closeness and the physical feeling of it that was there underneath the sadness and the painful bits. Then I spent ages beating myself up about the fact that I can’t miss and grieve something that made me so sad and I sort of buried it all.
Your post gives a thoughtful insight and I’m grateful to have had a bit of light shed on that whole thing.
I’m afraid I don’t have any advice other than to listen to your body as you have done and really think about what’s happening. I wish I’d done that more. Also treats! Lots of treats. 😊